... is it Friday yet?! ... it's been crazy time in our household this week between a couple of daycare days for kiddos, coordinating a big project for my work and a household project or two we, (ok, mostly Frank), have decided to tackle.
Consequently, we've both been very busy, up and at it early, each doing our own thing. By the end of the day, I often found myself grumpy and out of sorts, feeling a bit disconnected from Frank. I didn't want to bug him as he was tired and just wanted to chill. I'd find myself questioning ... are we still doing this thing we do, together, or are we back to our old 'normal'? Frank would notice, ask what was wrong (and caution me that I needed to be truthful) but I found it very difficult to explain what I was feeling so any conversation about it didn't go too far.
Regardless, when I get like this, I have to try hard to remind myself, that we agreed, and I must remember, "we are doing this slowly and making it our own" ...
On the positive side, spanking exploration, when we can fit it in, has been tons of fun. Who knew, maybe I am a spanko, one who got sidetracked along the way to ttwd :>)) I find the 'in the bedroom D/s kink' I used to look forward to, not at all on my radar. Instead I look forward to what we're calling JFF (just for fun) hand spankings going on any morning we are able to have our special morning time together.
Another positive ... we are still talking whenever an opportunity arises. The other day, in the afternoon, a sit down was at Frank's suggestion ... "Grab yourself a glass of wine and let's talk", he said. And wow! ... he shared - a lot ...
First, that he is very much liking ttwd; he appreciates there is a community of like minded people out there providing support and guidance - thank-you again, all of you out there and a special thanks to Meredith and Ella! He emphasized that he doesn't want us to follow anyone else's road but wants us to make 'what we do', our own.
And he likes reading my posts (he had the blog open on his tablet) ... we had a good discussion about the two Girly Girl posts from last week. It's his opinion that I am overthinking how people will see me which may be true as overthinking is one of my specialties :>)). Overall he really likes the changes he sees in me (with note that some of that change started last year, but I'll save that for another post).
Then he laid a big one on me, saying there have been times in the not too distant past, he hasn't liked me very much. So much so that he was almost ready to call it quits, but at the time, he didn't feel like there was anywhere he could go so he stuck it out (gulp!) ... I vaguely remember the time period but not the specifics. I am guessing it's not something particular I did but more because I own a pretty mean 'word sabre' and know how to use it. He on the other hand, has a tendency to pull back and avoid confrontation.
Also, a big share here ... Frank has had more than his share of health issues over the years and I readily admit I make a horrible nurse ... I'm sure there were several times when, instead of a hug and a 'what can I do for you', he got an eye roll and a 'here we go again'. That is until 2015/16 when he had a really serious health crisis and I realized there was a possibility I might lose him ... gut wrenching when you stare that feeling in the face - 2015 was a mind bending year and it carried into 2016 for a few months. When he brought up his wanting to leave yesterday, all I could do was acknowledge it with an heartfelt "I'm so sorry".... and thankfully, we moved on ...
He shared that he gets the theory of ttwd and he believes mentally, he won't have a problem getting his head around HoHing (his Dad was quite HoH ... we don't know about behind closed doors of course, but you certainly knew who had the final word in their house). However, he said he is struggling a bit with sorting out the whens and the hows. He said he has conversations with himself trying to figure out when he should act and what exactly he should do. He is also worried about hurting me or upsetting me and asked for my assurance that I will let him know when something is too much. I assured him I would. In the end, as he was standing at the sink rinsing his wine glass, I put my arms around his waist from behind and pressed my face to his back and said .. 'Remember these 3 words ... 'follow your instinct"
and a PSS ... the new bed arrived. It's higher than our old bed ... after a couple of christenings, Frank claims it's a perfect height for ... ahemmm! ... many things :>))
.... thanks for listening ... nj ... xx
