Friday, 10 May 2019

So how do you feel about spanking now, NJ? ...

I love this vintage Robert McGinnis illustration ... his knee at the ready, his submissive woman by his side

.... the question posed in the title of this post has been running through my head over the past couple of weeks or so, as I thought about how I was going to approach the current Tell Me About Dominance and Submission topic 'Spanking'. Considering we've been living in the DD/ttwd world of spanking for nearly a year and a half now, you wouldn't think writing the post would be so difficult ... 

Some of what I have to say is covering familiar ground for those who've been with my blog since it's inception. However, given that I am using a prompt and therefore potentially reaching new readers, I will give a short recap ...

Frank and I had a BDSM bedroom only dynamic starting in the late 90's. I would call it D/s light - kinky times 2-3 times a month and the rest vanilla, although the vanilla always had D/s overtones. Although Frank would have loved for it to have been more out of the bedroom, it wasn't something I felt I could do, so we didn't.

In 2016 I found a reading genre I'd never paid attention to before ... erotic romance (previously I'd been a reader of harder core erotica). I'd been binge reading for months when in early 2017 I came across an unfamiliar term - DD - Domestic Discipline ... I looked it up and was instantly fascinated. I read all I could about it for about a week before I took it to Frank with the idea that this might be an avenue for us to take our D/s into our everyday life ... in my view DD is a form of D/s, although a more subtle version. It was that subtleness that had me thinking 'yes, this is something I could do on a day to day, 7x24 basis'. Frank agreed to give it a go.  Very soon after I discovered the DD/ttwd blogging world and our life was truly turned upside down ... down the rabbit hole with Alice we went .... all of it in a good way.

I have grown to know and care for the people who live in this DD/ttwd corner of Blogland. Many (most) have harboured deep longings for a spanking dynamic for very many years before coming out to their significant others and sharing their secret. For some, those longings started as far back as their childhood. I too had early longings (although more teen than childhood) but mine were of a darker nature. One of the first books I 'borrowed' from my parents dirty book stash was 'The Way of a Man with a Maid' ...  and my second significant teen book find was 'The Story of O' ... yeah ... both of those definitely set the stage for what was to come. My point is I/we did not come into the DD world with a spanking fetish ... I/we came with BDSM kinks. Spanking, in and of itself, excluding the erotic impact play that was our experience, was something we had to 'learn' how to incorporate into our life - and the spankings came in very many flavours - from good girl to discipline to maintenance to reset (we've never gone down the 'punishment' path). In our learning, we deliberately avoided much of our previous kink ... bringing it out only occasionally as opportunity and need dictated. 

It wasn't long before I realized, from reading back in blogs and communicating with fellow DD/ttwd bloggers, I was the odd woman out. For most of the community, just the idea or hint of the possibility of a spanking, was a delicious turn on ... I did not have the same reaction. However, what spanking did do for me, was reinforce the submissiveness in me ... especially those spankings that happened in the moment - spankings, instinctively delivered by Frank in response to a situation, or when they happened for discipline, had me instantly submissive ... the feeling washing over me and settling into the very centre of me. 

Earlier this year, as I struggled through the SADS of winter, no matter what we tried, spanking did not seem to bring the release or reset I needed. Frank finally resorted to bringing us back into the D/s world. In doing so, we realized we were missing what we'd had previously and we began to re-layer our D/s dynamic and kink on top of our DD foundation. Erotic impact play, which to me is more than spanking, is back with us. However, the various other types DD/ttwd spankings have somewhat taken a backseat to our new activities ... except for one ...

... so how do I feel about spanking now ... 

We had an incident a week or so ago which brought clarity and gave me an answer to my self posed question. Per our DD agreement, Frank is the final decision maker in just about everything in our life, except for finances, which has always been my area of responsibility. A financial situation arose that caused us to have a conversation that got a little heated ... pretty much an argument. Fortunately, it was quickly resolved and an agreement was reached. However, afterwards, I felt uneasy, uncomfortable and soon realized it was our disagreement that caused the discomfort ... not the subject matter of the dispute but the fact the dispute occurred at all. I realized it had been a very long time since there had been any real conflict between Frank and I. Later in the day, I shared this with Frank ... he assured me he completely understood the decision we'd made. I then tried to explain to him that I was upset because we'd had a conflict - period - not what the conflict was about. He was a bit baffled until we had bedtime conversation later that night, where I explained ... if it had been any other topic, it wouldn't have got to a heated argument stage. I'd have been over knee, bed or whatever, getting my ass whooped, before we ever got to that point ... in conclusion I said "I should have asked you to spank me afterwards" ... 

With this incident I've come to realize just how important our foundation of Domestic Discipline is to our D/s relationship ... and therefore so is spanking ... spanking adds structure, discipline and the ability to wipe a slate clean. It reinforces our dynamic, including our D/s relationship - he is my Dominant yet he is still my HoH. I still am his TiH ... and his submissive. Without spanking, our TTWD wouldn't exist. 

I've gone back and reread the Domestic Discipline definition that resonates with me the most ... an excerpt from this definition reads ... 

"DD is the caring, consensual, consistently fair use of structure, accountability and discipline as a positive way to enhance communication, deepen intimacy and reinforce relationship commitment. The discipline normally includes one of many styles of  disciplinary actions or measures, but first centres around rules of behaviour asked for by one partner and agreed to by the other." 

... and spanking is the most commonly used disciplinary measure.

to see what other bloggers have to say about Spanking, click on the badge or follow the links at the start of the post


  1. My wife is the one who runs the household. Early on she knew I would be a handful and she would have to put her foot down. The love between us is strong, always been strong. When she decided that a spanking would get the point across i agreed, thinking it would not hurt. The spankings do hurt, they get the point across, I'm a better person. Being over her lap I feel like a little boy. So I accept and see the benefits. It is each to his own and not to be judge by others.

    1. Thank-you for dropping by and commenting, Anon ... nj

  2. I was really interested to see how you would respond to the prompt. Not being DD, I have always been aware that for most of those who are, spanking plays a large role and was interested to see how that varied from a more D/s use. I guess what I have learnt that whether D/s or DD, the purpose and impact of spanking will vary from relationship to relationship. I can see how important it is to the structure too - very interesting :)

    1. Hi Missy ... yeah, no pressure, lol! ... I don't think the idea of the spanking act varies much between DD & D/s, although there may be differences in the 'why'. I do like what you said you learned from the post ... how purpose and impact will vary with the relationship. Thank-you ... further insights for me as well :)) ... nj ... xx

  3. Hi NJ, I loved reading this and especially the importance of the foundation of your DD relationship to your D/s relationship.

    Like you, we started with, what I maybe could describe as very light D/s bedroom play and wanted to incorporate it into everyday life. In our case it was actually Rick that discovered DD and brought it to me, but then I was the one who did most of the reading and finding blogs etc.

    Our dynamic changed and evoluled over time with DD taking more of a front seat at times and back seat at others, but I agree with it providing that important foundation. Of course, we now haven't practiced ttwd at all for several years now.


    1. Yay, Roz! ... Happy to hear you enjoyed the read!

      It's intriguing to hear it was Rick that brought DD to you ... I don't think I remember that being the case for any of the M/f relationships I've read about ... but of course it was up to you to do the research :))

      I'm happy you've stuck around in blogland in spite of not practiced ttwd for quite awhile. I, along with many others, appreciate your supportive comments ... hugs! ... nj

  4. I shall respond to this (lol) " It wasn't long before I realized, from reading back in blogs and communicating with fellow DD/ttwd bloggers, I was the odd woman out. For most of the community, just the idea or hint of the possibility of a spanking, was a delicious turn on ... I did not have the same reaction. However, what spanking did do for me, was reinforce the submissiveness in me ... especially those spankings that happened in the moment - spankings, instinctively delivered by Frank in response to a situation, or when they happened for discipline, had me instantly submissive ... the feeling washing over me and settling into the very centre of me. "

    I don't find spanking the thought of spanking 'yummy' or anything of the like. LOL. Never did. I enjoy being a spanked wife however. For me the spanking has to be about a power exchange ( which took me a long while to figure out why I didn't feel like everyone else seemed to in blogland). This is why we don't partake in erotic spankings. Sex often occurs after a spanking but that is because I am free of all the exterior layers I have piled on to get to the point where my submissive heartset is hidden and a spanking is necessary. Often however I can also get to that point of freedom if B makes me do some sort of endurance submissive exercise to 'wear me down' ie, ice on my inner wrists let's say, while holding a position. It wasn't until he started using other methods that I realized it was indeed the exchange of power than the physical act of spanking that was the turn on for me.

    Just wanted to let you know, you aren't completely the odd man out- not sure if having something similar in common is reassuring for you though...LOL


  5. I came across this the other day, Jake used to blog a lot when I first came into the blogging scene. I liked the example and moreover the reasoning why in this post:

    If nothing else it is another place for you to read.LOL

    1. Thanks for the reassurance I'm not the only odd man out, Willie :>)) ... but most of all, thanks for the blog link ... and yes, I think I might have to read through this blog a bit more. This specific post made perfect sense ... nj

  6. NJ, I had to read this post twice before I could really formulate a comment. Then I understood what was just out of my grasp in absorbing your response to such a general writing prompt.

    All the bloggers that I normally read came into DD/ttwd on the same road. Yes, everybody tailors the relationship and there are no two couples that does that exactly the same way. But we rode into it on the same road.

    You and Frank rode into this blog neighborhood on a totally different road. I think I really do understand the difference now.

    Found Missy's comment just as thought-provoking as your post. But directing my thinking to the topic of the post, the role of spanking could be very different in a D/s and a DD relationship. At least that's how it makes sense to me. In a D/s relationship, spanking could just be one more way to reinforce the balance of power. Whereas, in a DD relationship, the spanking is directly related to a behavior. Yes, there are spankings that are erotic or just to say "I love you," but in my head there is always a possibility that if I lose my self-control, that spanking will be for discipline.

    My thoughts are a little fuzzy just thinking about this, so if I have not made any sense, please help me understand.

    My Head Hurts From Thinking,

    1. Sorry to have made your head hurt on a Sat morning, Ella ... lol! ... however, if it helps, you understood perfectly and then described it with perfect Ella words ... yes, we did ride into Blogland on a different road :>)

      You also seem to have understood the reason for my qualifier 'why' in my response to Missy. I think there are similarities across the dynamics with spanking, in the 'what it looks' and 'how it's done' but the reasons for 'why it's done' I think is where there is the biggest difference ... in DD, more for discipline and in D/s more for power exchange reinforcement (and kinky sex ... lol!) ...

      Now you can tell Sam you really do deserve your Saturday beer at the pub - too much brain taxing going on for a weekend ... hope you have a great Ella and Sam Saturday! ... big hug! ... nj

    2. One of the biggest differences I see with Dd and D/s is the fact that Dd is primarily reactionary ( as in discipline as stated- the sub/tih does something undesirable and there is a consequence). D/s involves cultivation. The Dom helps the sub stay in his/her desired mindset through various methods.

      That being said, " You can have D/s without DD but you can't have Dd without D/s" I believe there are a lot of people out there who consider themselves 'only' Dd ( I know when I started I thought we were) but if they were to actually examine their relationship and dynamic they would see they are what others consider D/s. Meh. Just tossing that out there again ;)

  7. I really love reading the journey everyone took to get to where they are now. There are many many different paths, and I'm glad you found yours.

    1. Welcome, Riley! ... yes, the stories you will find here in Blogland are diverse ... all very interesting :>) ... I will have to hop over and have a read at your blog! ... again, welcome, nice to 'see' a new face ... nj

  8. A very interesting post to read, of your journey into Ds and DD. Everyone involved in DD has evolved to it in different but similar ways. Mine has been a life long fascination.
    I love the summary of DD, and will use it in a post in the future.
    Thanks for sharing your feelings.
    bottoms up