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Friday 6 April 2018

Not Just Another Bandwagon

This post will most likely resonate more with ttwd folks like ourselves, those stumbling around in newbie land ... but as usual, comments are welcome from all :>))


When Frank and I first agreed the end of January, to make 
this lifestyle change to ttwd/DD, his biggest concern was that he would commit (and trust me, he was eager to do so) but he feared I, on the other hand, wouldn't stick with it. Unfortunately, I understood his reasoning. I have had us jumping on more than one lifestyle bandwagon in our history together, only to find me or us, not be able to maintain the path, whatever it was. Although, in my/our defence, I think no matter what it was, we still were able to gain knowledge, or strength from whatever changes we made. 



One of the biggest changes came after I took a seminar through my work, called the Phoenix Seminar, which focused around the writings and teachings of Brian Tracy. Frank and I followed the lessons from the course package for many months and it made a great deal of difference in my career and our home life. This was long before the power of positive thinking became a mainstream trope. Frank reminded me of some of those teachings as part of our 'Self Talk' discussions .... 



but I digress ... 


Yesterday was not a good morning. The details I won't share as a long involved backstory is required before it would make sense. However, the gist of it was, I got upset, got out of bed and 'flounced' away to the shower. Frank came after, pulled me in to him and hugged me. Then, in his words, 'I pushed him away' with a comment that I'll paraphrase as me saying 'I can't do this!'. I don't remember physically pushing him away but in retrospect, I certainly did so mentally. He turned and left.


After I showered and calmed down, I sought him out to say 'we need to have a talk'. However, I was devastated to find him visibly upset. Yes, he'd taken those words and interpreted them to mean I didn't want to continue down the ttwd/DD path - in his mind, his biggest fear had become a reality. I had to leave for an appointment but hugged him and assured him that I hadn't changed my mind and we would have a sit down later in the afternoon.


When we finally sat down for our chat, one of the things I asked him was how he thought an experienced HoH might have handled the situation - ie. not letting me get away with such behaviour. He said he didn't know where to go with what happened as he didn't want to upset me further, especially when he was thinking I was abandoning ship. And again, as he often does, he reiterated how we have a lot to learn about how to navigate this ttwd/DD world. In the end, I explained and made a commitment to him that this lifestyle shift was so significant for us, there is no way I would ever 'quit' with merely a comment ... that a full sit down '3 C' discussion would have to be part of it, with the 'Compromise' C being the most important outcome. 


So we are good again ... things are still a little quiet between us but once the weekend is here, we will be able to have some reconnect time. 



Have a good weekend all! ... nj ... xx

30 comments:

  1. Trust me ...most of us, if not all, have been there.
    A wise person once told me...anything worth having, is going to take working for...and trust me the working does not stop. Hang in there..hugs abby

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    1. Thanks Abby ... hanging in there for the long haul, is the plan ... nj ... xx

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  2. NJ,
    Abby is so right! At the beginning, ttwd requires time and communication. Ttwd takes time, lots of time. Even five years in, I know ttwd takes thinking, time and talking....... the three t's if you will. I would also add to include emailing your blog friends as we have all been right where you are as you and Frank begin. Ask some questions, exchange some answers and see what happens. Great post........... we are all newbies once and that I know for sure.
    Meredith

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    1. I like your 3T's, Meredith ... especially the thinking 'T' ... I find I do a lot of that these days ... maybe even a bit too much as overthinking is a specialty of mine :)
      I appreciate your support in every way ... thank-you! ... nj ... xx

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  3. Hi Nora Jean, all of us have been down this route. Plod on......hugs
    Love Jan,xx

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    1. Ah yes, plodding ... there are days when I think it's like watching paint dry. Then I remind myself, or Frank reminds me ... slow is good. Thanks for the reminder also, Jan ... nj ... xx

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  4. Hi Nora Jean, this is familiar here too. I don't know how many stops and starts we have had with ttwd. I hope you get that reconnect over the weekend.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. I have read a fair bit of your blog, Roz, so recognize you are definitely someone who can talk about the all the ups and downs and stops and starts that go into trying to make this work. And thank-you ... we had a great weekend! ... nj ... xx

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  5. NoraJean, it’s early days yet - Rome wasn’t built in a day! I promise you, we all have our ups and downs along the way. Even after five years, Harry and I still have bumps in the road; I think most of us do!
    Rosie xx

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    1. Hi Rosie ... we haven't hit too much in the way of bumps this last little while ... which is maybe why when one comes along, we're not so sure as to how to proceed. Thank you for your words of support! ... nj ... xx

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  6. Great post and as the other ladies said, we've all been there. No one ever gets through the transition to this lifestyle without plenty of mistakes or lack of communication, at least from what I can tell. There's always bumps in the road. Enjoy your reconnect.
    --Baker

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    1. Hi Baker ... see my previous comment re bumps in the road. And thank-you, we had a great reconnect weekend! ... nj

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  7. We've all been there - everyone has their days.

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    1. Hi Leigh ... I am sure there will be more confusing days in our future but hopefully we will improve as time moves along ... nj

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  8. Eric is perfectly strong and on top of his role as HOH in every sense of our definition of it UNTIL my emotional downturn is as a result of something involving him. There have been times when I really needed him to step in and take charge if nothing else, to show me he's that guy, but instead he's backed away "not wanting to upset me more". We've had a few of these nightmares and we grow closer after each one - talking about what could/would/should happen the next time. It's a process, like everything else in life and marriage.
    Amy

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    1. Hi Amy ... so good to know that even a more experienced and confident HoH has those days when he's not entirely sure how to proceed. Thank-you for the reassurance! ... nj

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  9. Hi, Nora Jean. I don't know if it will help, but the Duke and I still have days like this, five years later. The thing about DD is that it makes us depend on each other more, be way more vulnerable, and be more open than ever before... and so it's easier to be hurt, but it's also easier to heal those hurts. To this day, if I'm upset, the Duke is unsure if he should put his foot down right then, or give me space. But he gets better all the time, I get better, and we keep getting closer to what we want. :) I know some people can go back to pre DD, we can't I don't think. We tried, and we started growing apart again. Just keep talking, the first year of DD can be really bumpy, but if you're both invested, if you both are willing to work at it, it really is worth it. :)
    EsMay

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    1. Thank-you for your words of encouragement, EsMay ... I truly don't think we could backtrack now and I think that is the core message of my post. Even if there was a change of heart from either of us, a compromise of some type would be the end result ... nj

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  10. I love that Frank was afraid of losing what you've found in DD - how much worse it could have been if he felt relief instead! Like everybody else said, I imagine this is part of developing a healthy DD relationship. But I find myself thinking about how you started this post - about other ways of living that you tried that turned out not to be what you wanted. I think you're so right - we learn and grow from trying a particular path. Wisdom comes from being able to realize when it's not the path to stay one, when to take what you've learned and forge your own path again. But you don't know if you don't try - and there's still something to be gained from trying. I had to go look up Brian Tracey - that looks pretty intense! And obviously, some of it has stuck with you two. :)

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    1. You are right, Olivia ... from the little bit of blog reading done in the past couple of months, it seems if there has been a change in the course of ttwd, it's more often been the HoH who pulled back not the TiH, so yes, the fact that Frank is the one who is more worried about us not continuing to move forward speaks to how much he is enjoying the role he's taken on ;)) He told me the other day that I've 'changed' and he likes it!

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    2. and I forgot to mention .. yes, the BT course was intense. The workshop I took was a solid week and I in turn brought it home to Frank. I have since lent the CDs to others who were at points in their life where goal setting and positive thought processes would be of benefit.

      Thank you for your thoughtful comments ... nj

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  11. Hi Nora Jean, :) I agree with the others- this is very much a part of developing a healthy dynamic. What is cool here is that Frank is determined to carry on. It takes time and loads of talking to get to that place where you feel as though you have both shaped the dynamic that works for you. The important thing is to keep talking and listening to each other- even when it is the hardest thing to do.

    As others have said above, even a few years in, ttwd takes work at times. Like all things, hard work will get you where you want to be. Sounds to me like you both are doing great! Many hugs,

    ❤️Katie xoxo

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    1. Thank-you for your encouragement, Katie. I have read back a bit in your blog and enjoy reading about the dynamic you and Nick share. We really haven't seen a need for a 'punishment' scenario in our ttwd world so far. I am also pretty much a 'good girl' these days and have been making a focused effort to colour inside those lines as much as possible ;) ... which of course is why there isn't a lot of discipline going on either. When something does come up that might warrant Frank taking a stronger stance, like it did the other day, it takes us both by surprise ... more time, more experience is definitely in our path ... nj ... xx

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  12. Think I am having a deja vu, here, NJ. Actually Frank is exactly where he should be. You are the woman he loves, and it is hard to change his spots so quickly.

    Until he has gone through the same scenario at least 10 times, he is going to doubt himself and ttwd. His first instinct is to love and protect you. To make you feel better. Sometimes if feels counterintuitive in the beginning.

    When he finally plucks up his courage to take the lead, he will be so surprised that a spanking can stop your negativity and bring you back to him. It takes time, my friend.

    You Are Amazing,
    Ella

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    1. Thank-you, Ella for your wise and kind words ... yes, he does love and care for me so much, seeing me upset definitely threw him for a loop as to how to manage the situation ttwd style. I am sure it will all come to both of us over time ... nj ... xx

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  13. Oh as the others have said, been there done that. At first I thought it was a case of BIKSS being able to figure out my moods and getting better at deciding when to give me space and when to put his foot down. Now I realise that he wasn't the only one making adjustments - MY responses to his reactions to me getting fussed/frazzled have also changed. It's going to take time, and then it will keep on taking time - but you'll learn to "push and pull" WITH each other, instead of against.

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    1. Hi F ... I do remind myself a lot that in handing over the reins, so to speak, I've handed over a great deal of responsibility ... I definitely do not expect Frank to be all and know all. I like your concept of pushing and pulling together instead of against ... nj

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  14. I'm sorry I am so late getting back to you all ... this past week has just zoomed by! Thank you for your kind words of support.
    ... take care ... nj

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  15. I, like the others have been here. We have had times when I was fearful that all was lost and it was over. The beauty of ttwd is that we quickly realize the amazing benefits that it gives us, and although it may take time, and the commitment is huge, it pays us back tenfold, and we desperately want it to remain in our lives. It’s taken me quite a while to realize that it’s not going anywhere and that it’s here to stay even though one or both of us muddles it up along the way on occasion. There are so many tools here to use to pull yourself out of the problems that arise we could never let it go. Have faith, stay positive, and keep working on it. It is so very worth having. 😊

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    1. Thank-you so much for your words of support Laurel ... it is good to know it has been the same for so many. We are in good company! ... nj

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