Saturday, 20 October 2018

Frustrated ...

Did you know there are 8000 nerves in the clitoral region? ... 

... this and several other interesting fun facts about the clitoris can be found in this article

Why do I bring this one little fact to your attention. I am just going to come out and say it ... I am having problems achieving orgasm. 

I am willing. I am eager. Frank is a wonderful lover. Physically, the signs are all there - wetness, heat, swelling, and colour (according to Frank :>)) but for some reason, more often than not, the effing engine will ... not ... start! I am not totally without as I am still able to have orgasms, some of them mind blowing orgasms. However, after having one, I need several days 'rest' before I can have another one. 

I have come up with three possible scenarios as to what I/we might be facing here ... 

Scenario #1 - 

You may have read my previous post about our libido issues (Our FSOG Story) - Frank and I have always contended with mismatched libidos. His is over the top (in my estimation, not his ;>)) and mine, until recently, has almost always been more missing in action than present. In the past, one way of getting me 'interested' was the use of a vibrator to get started which means I have been using a vibrator for a very long time.  I should also point out said vibrators were/are not of the dainty little bullet variety ... the first was a Wahl, followed by Wahl 2, and more recently we acquired a Magic Wand (aka Magic Mike :>)) and a direct clitoris stimulator called a 'The Satisfyer'.

Several months ago, we realized I could no longer come without using a vibrator. I can almost get there through various oral and/or hands on methods. However, as opposed to our previous experience where I used a vibrator to start, the vibrator is now needed to 'finish'. This situation had me researching whether or not long term vibrator use could negatively affect the ability to achieve orgasm. Although references to this issue can be found, there was no conclusive evidence to support my theory, which is ... 

.... I think maybe I have stunned 7500 of those aforementioned 8000 nerves into a comatose stupor through over vibrator use and the remaining 500, although mightily trying to pull the weight of all, are only able to come out to play after they've had several days to rest up .... 

... or maybe it's Scenario #2 ... 

The mismatched libido scenario also meant for very many years Frank often ran somewhat solo. I wouldn't deny him but I would tell him to not always expect me to be along for the ride. Don't get me wrong ... when the timing was right and it  happened for both of us, the sex was great - especially after the kiddos left home and we discovered our D/s kink. However, it just didn't happen all that often for me ... maybe once a week or so.

Also in our FSOG story, I talk about how, in early 2017, I had a sexual revelation that kickstarted my libido and my interest in sex and orgasms ... frequent orgasms, please and thank-you, Sir! That was followed by ttwd early this year - more sex and orgasms, please, Sir - along with spanky times. In the former 3/4 or so of this period, for me, my orgasm rate was three or more times a week. Now, it's down to once, maybe twice a week.

So Scenario #2 has me asking myself whether or not I am returning to my old normal, with the past almost two years experience being somewhat outside the norm. The kinky, erotic books I've been bingeing on for the past 20 months aren't getting my motor humming like they used to. Maybe, that's due to what a good friend of mine has referred to as the law of diminishing returns (she's a math person :>)). My interpretation is more of an ice cream analogy. If you ate your favourite ice cream every day for a year and a half, your body would eventually say ... nuh uh, no more ice cream! Going with the theory that the biggest erogenous zone in a woman's body, is the brain, maybe my brain is telling my body is there aren't as many horny times to be had and as a result, my body has returned to it's 'normal' count of once or twice a week orgasms .... but frustratingly, unlike before, it is with my newly found libido still intact ... the issue is definitely not due to a lack of interest.

... and finally, Scenario #3 ... 

The last scenario is one I really, really do not want to even contemplate, let alone put in writing .... 

... maybe my age (63) is a factor ..... arghhh!!! ... please say it isn't so! Not now, when we are enjoying each other so much!

Frank has been wonderful about it all. I have ended many of our sexy times in tears, crying into his shoulder, saying 'it's broken'. He will often console me by saying it doesn't have to happen every time or pointing out that it doesn't always happen for him either. At other times, he will dip into his bag of tricks, do a restart and turn things around, ending with a grin and a triumphant ... 'and now it's fixed!'. However lately, even those tricks aren't working. Giving me sufficient rest time in between orgasms seems to be the only thing that works. 

It's all very frustrating .... 

... chime in if you feel so moved ... I have a feeling I may not be the only one rowing this boat ...


thanks for dropping by ... nj


  1. Oh NJ, how frustrating alright. I'm sorry you are having this issue. I wish I had some words of wisdom.


    1. Thanks Roz! ... It helps just to be able to share with you and others in Blogland ... nj ... xx

  2. I wish I had something helpful to say. I know I get like this as well so it doesn't sound like age is a factor IMHO BC you mentioned the other physical factors are present. When we first started ttwd 2 years ago it was like a reawakening to my libido and sex was nearly every night for a time. Now, also BC of kids and schedules it is usually twice a week. My libido has gone down to match that routine and that leads me to wonder if your friend is right (which to me sounds like the same thing you were saying about ice cream).
    Are you stressed at all. Too much pressure to achieve an orgasm can also have the opposite effect.
    Can you get away alone for a couple of days?
    Are you self conscious? You could try having a drink first.
    I love how supportive Frank has been and how you've been able to connect to one another through this trial.

    1. Hi Jlynne ... I totally get your situation ... kids and all the routines that go with that definitely put a drain on ones libido. I guess my biggest frustration is I've been where you are ... except with zero libido (desire) and now that I do have the desire I can't always hit the mark. We will get through or around this ... we've resolved bigger issues in the past. Thanks for the support! ... nj ... xx

  3. ohhhhhhhhh boy .... aging is such fun isn't it?? I have a whole lot of questions -- but no real answers. My suggestion is to go see your doctor and have a heart to heart talk. I was terrified of going through menopause in case my libido packed up and left. My doctor told me that she knew women in their 80's still very sexually active. So I held out hope.

    I must admit I haven't had any problems with my libido -- though the orgasm can be illusive - mostly it is not a problem though - yet.

    I do know -- have been told -- that the thrill of kink can initially be a HUGE turn on -- but with time it loses it's luster and I have found that is true.

    I really don't have any miracle suggestions -- except go talk to your doctor..... there isn't any viagra for women -- but there might be some other suggestion they have to help you achieve orgasm

    (oh and I was told that too much use of a vibrator can lead to a dependency .... shrug... I have the Magic Wand - 4 speeds -- but Sir Steve doesn't use it... and I have adjusted)

    long rambling comment without too many concrete answers........ I really hope you can sort this out!

    1. Aging sucks!, Morningstar ... and its only just started getting noticeable.

      I have considered having a conversation with my Dr who is great and easy to talk to but I kinda know in advance how that might go. As a youngish woman with a busy practice, a physician hubby and two kids, she'll give me a cheeky smile and say "well at least you have a sex life" ... just kidding ;)) In all seriousness, I've been through hormone tests before when I had little or no libido. All was within expected ranges. Also I am not a good candidate for HRT as there is breast cancer history in my family. I suspect this is both a physical and a mental issue. We will manage our way through it ... starting with a focus on quality and not quantity :))
 ... nj

  4. I've always, always, always had this problem. Like you - I willing, eager, I have a great lover. But it's still a problem. I reached the point long ago where I wanted Nick to stop trying - I wanted to yell, "I'm not going to make it, save yourself!" We use the Hitachi Magic Wand, its really the only way for me. I do need it to finish up.

    I have no help to offer first except to not worry so much - use the vibrator if you need it. You have a great husband and you have a vibrator to help you over the edge if you need it. As you pointed out none of us are twenty any more, I'm just glad it still happens and that I (and you) have a husband that cares.

    1. I so get the "I'm not going to make it, save yourself!" .... LOL, PK!! .... that in and of itself can be part of the issue. The more I worry about how long I'm taking the worse it becomes. And yes, I am happy just to have someone loving, caring and understanding. As well, this foray into the ttwd world has added a wonderful dimension that wasn't there before and that is to be celebrated ... nj ... xx

  5. I might be too masculine to fathom this, although my Linda (63) at times just gives up, and lets me know that I might as well move on. Anyway, we never let her underachievement prevent us from cuddling.

    1. Thanks for stopping by Gary ... cuddling should never be underrated ... nj

  6. Okay...this theory may seem way out in left field compared to other comments, but here goes nothing.

    When we first started Dd this happened to me as well ( and I was in my early 40s at the time if we are concerned about age). In fact sometimes it still happens. Initially I believed it was because we went from having solo sex together ( ie sex but not to reconnect as much as it was to satisfy a physically need so each of us was somewhat wrapped up in achieving our own pleasure) to experiencing it wholly WITH B. I have since come to realize I think for me it is another way of loss of control. Giving over to not only to B but to the moment when I can't stop my body, or predict exactly what is going to happen. A great deal of times I found myself at the pinnacle only to have the flame doused ( by my mind) and it left me upset and B perplexed.

    When I wrote about this 6 years ago one blogger told me to stop overthinking. Pfft like THAT is EVER going to happen! I still can't tell you why in my case I sometimes find I am too afraid to loose that bit of control and embrace the vulnerability that comes with it during and after, but I muddle on. I can theorize that during these times the ups and downs of D/s has me grasping to maintain some sort of equilibrium and this is my body's way of 'protecting' myself ( how rude!) but I am unsure.

    I will tell you that this comes and goes for me now. Heck maybe it is all because I am peri-menopausal, but the timing seems off for that.

    Can I be so blunt as to ask if you have been able to by yourself? That was how I discovered I was fearful of the physical lack of control during that time.

    Regardless of what it is, I hope you figure it out soon!


    Ps as for the Dd books not doing it for you, might be because you are living it now ;) As for returning to normal? Maybe your mind has discovered this is the new normal and the honeymoon phase of Dd is complete. I wonder if it is the fact that you have maybe reached a bit of a plateau with your current dynamic and maybe it is time to delve a little deeper with it? Just an additional thought. Sorry if my comment is all over the place, slight cold and even sligher hangover! lol

    1. Hi Willie ... you bring up some good points ... overthinking? ... who me? ... never! ... tongue firmly planted in cheek. Sometimes I have me not getting there before we've even started. Re me, myself and I ... to be blunt ;)) I've had my hands in my pants ever since my teenage self wondered "what if?" .... lol :)) however, sad to say that only works to get things started these days as well ... doesn't work as a finisher. And I agree ... yes, i think part of it is the honeymoon phase is over and yes, with ttwd, I hope we will be able to find and reach deeper connections, making the sex itself less necessary than before. ... nj 

  7. Hey NJ,

    Well, I think that sucks! I am so sorry! I wish I had something to offer you as a suggestion. I have none. My only thing would be to agree with Wilma,check with the doctor. Make sure there is nothing wrong. Then take the pressure off yourself. Just relax and have fun with Frank.


    1. Hi Boo .... thanks for your support! ... I do think I need to not worry so much about it and yes, learn to relax! ... nj

  8. Row, row, row your boat, Nora Jean. Ha! If everyone contributes to these comments, we will have enough to write a book. First, I will say that if you were able to have an orgasm every day, you should consider yourself lucky. I have never been able to do that. About 2 to 3 times a week might be an accurate average. Have always been happy with that as I have known so many women over the years that rarely or never climax.

    I have, however, been able to give myself an orgasm without touching myself. It takes concentration and lots of creative kegel exercises, but it used to come in very handy on boring teacher inservice days. Don’t think about it very often now because I don’t have to sit through hours of drivel these days. Also, I never needed a vibrator or lube until menopause. We are all so different.

    As I ponder your questions, I think it’s probably a little of each of each of your scenarios. For me, age, location, concentration, time of day, and position are all factors as to whether I can get to climax. It is certainly harder now that it was in my forties. Quickies were great then; not so much now. I simply cannot orgasm if we are at a place where I can’t make noise or I worry that someone might hear us. Just isn’t going to happen. Rarely do I initiate sex at night. I am too tired, and I have learned the hard way. If Sam is interested at night I tell him to go right ahead, but don’t expect me to even bother trying. Catch me in the morning.

    Concentration is important for me. I try to keep an image of something sexy in my head as we get close. If something breaks my concentration, it is sometimes hard to get it back. Finally, there is the question of which positions work best for me. I am on fire if I am on top! Orgasm is so much easier for me that way. In other positions, it will take Sam twice as long to get me to the same place, which isn’t always a bad thing.

    No more tears from you, NJ. Be as patient with yourself as you would be with your guy. The more you worry, the more difficult you make it. If it doesn’t happen today, smile and tell yourself maybe tomorrow.

    Love and Hugs From Ella

    1. You are an amazing woman, Ella! ... obviously in more ways than one! ... I had a big LOL at your way of passing the time in useless meetings!

      I agree, circumstances, state of mind and yes, more now than ever, time of day are important. The hardest part for me now, is similar to what happened last year when BP pills knocked out Franks libido ... I didn't used to care whether or not I had an orgasm. And now, when I do care, they are elusive. As I said to someone earlier, I think we will shift our focus to quality, not quantity plus all the extra special stuff that happens with ttwd.
      ... hugs! ... nj

  9. NJ,
    I knew when I read your post this morning that I, too, would need both space and time to answer. I had a husband who was deployed and that required us to think outside the box as they say. Jack presented me with my very first vibrator and I was a happy camper. The homecomings over his long career were stunning. Then as we retired early, we wanted the way things used to be. Older bodies and what to do? We discovered the blogs and ttwd and have never once looked back. Like Ella, I am a morning woman and now have the mornings to enjoy. Things change, add some surgery and we needed help. However, ttwd helped greatly in that change for us. We have learned to relax, change the achievement level and marvel at what we can do and do often. The whole guy is what I love and Jack tells me that he loves is the woman next to him. WE have learned to please one another all over again. It is not the stuff of newleyweds, but it is the best of what we love in a different, loving way. I would love to write more, but email is the best place for more.

    1. Thanks for this, Meredith ... for the reminder that time and circumstances change and as a result we need to change as well. As you know, we've been through many highs and lows. This is just one more adjustment to make and I am sure we will get to a new place, supporting each other as we have in the past. Having ttwd in our lives has made a huge difference in our relationship ... and it will help to carry us through .... hugs! ... nj

  10. I'm not exactly sure how to comment, NJ, but I will say this...I'm only 44 and your first two scenarios resonate with me!


    1. Like Jlynne and others your age, you are a busy woman, Baker, chasing after young ones and managing the routines that come with hectic households. I would be surprised if you didn't run into an issue or two ... keeping your eyes open and staying awake are a couple that come to mind ... just kidding ;))) ... thanks for your support! ... nj

  11. NJ,
    "The little man in the row boat," is tired, eh? I hear ya!
    The ladies who have offered advice is the place to start, I think. Maybe emailing with a couple of them can help you hear what they have been through as well in the detail of which they are comfortable sharing privately. I say, go for it! In the meantime, here's what I've got:
    1) Skip the doctor visit.
    2) Make sure you get enough sleep on a regular basis.
    3) Exercise your whole body, but do kegels, too.
    4) Shelve all kinky books and Rocky Road blogs for now.
    5) Read books way outside of #4. Ask a well read friend for her top 5 favorite books that are not kink related or romance related at all. This will free up your mind and let your imagination work in ways other than sexual.
    6) Create.
    7) Put down Vicky Vibrator. The LODR is not permanent. You will like the ice cream again.... you just need to stop stuffing your face with it every day.
    8) You know how when you're getting warmed up and your hands start to clinch the sheets or claw at Frank and your stomach and butt muscles are clenching because you're trying to get to the peak? Well, STOP that! Do it for a while yes because it feels good..... but don't overdo, and in fact make your whole body RELAX when you start to get excited.... yes it takes longer.... so what..... let the low hum of that vibrator just carry you along for a bit and do not kick it up to a higher gear until later. If you start to tense up again, you have to make yourself relax. The orgasm will sneak up on you this way.... and stay relaxed even during it...... makes it so dang powerful.

    I know you're frustrated... it happens here as well, but overall, I think you are doing really great and perhaps just lower your expectations of yourself a little bit. It isn't a sign of failure or that anything is even wrong. To me, once or twice a week is still a major success. You and your man are doing a lot of things right. Hugs! Windy

    1. Again you make me laugh, my friend ... 'Little man in the row boat' ... haven't heard that one before ... LOL!

      My kegels are good ... Pilates class helps with those as well. Re doc visit ... see my reply to Morningstar. Re reading material ... I've shelved the schmexy books for now (to be revisited at a later date when I decide I'd like a bit of ice cream again ;)) ... but nuh uh ... not giving up my Rocky Road friends ... big grin (o) .... and yes, when I do get there, your relaxing recommendations make for the most amazing orgasms which means, yes, I will try for pre getting there relaxation as well. I do realize I might be setting the bar a little high (remember who I'm married to ;)) and lowering my expectations might help to ease the frustration. Thank-you! ... hugs! ... nj

    2. Now that you're all done with your comments, I want to see if you catch this one and give you more work to do. Seriously, I applaud you for answering all of us windbags(I was the worst!) individually. LOL! As far as that bar goes, maybe use one end for you know what and the other end to bonk Frank over the head with so he gives you a day off. Laughing! Hugs! Windy

  12. I'm 40 and struggle with this at times. Sometimes it's like I'm in heat and want it several times a day, and then other times I won't want it, or can't get there for weeks on end. I am not sure why it changes, or what to do to affect it, sorry. I do know feeling like I have to, only makes it less likely to happen... not sure if that helps, or was already suggested. And it can still feel good without going all the way. That is what our pastor's wife told us about in premarital counselling, to enjoy what could happen, and not worry about the rest. Do you have a doctor you would feel comfortable talking to? I would have a hard time talking to my doctor, a female, but funny enough, would be able to talk to my gyno because he's so approachable. In the mean time, I love that Frank is so supportive and loving through it all. That is so special.

    1. Thanks for your comment and support, EsMay ... I can imagine with all your responsibilities to your family, you would run hot and cold, depending on whats going on in your lives. Peace of mind used to be so important to me which is why Frank and I made sure we got at least one weekend of away and alone time a year. I do think I need to worry less about all this and just let things take their course. .... nj

  13. I’ve always thought of orgasms as one of lifes amazing little freebies, and wow what an incredible one they truly are.....when everything is working as it’s supposed to.
    There have been times over the years when I’ve thought that all was lost regarding orgasms, and it was even frightening at times to think it wouldn’t be as it once was, but I’ve always found that given time things changed again. We figured it out, we kept trying, and we tried hard not to stress about it, somehow it’s always worked out. I have no advice other than to say, hang in there, go with the flow, and keep enjoying each other, realizing that it might be a little different at times. Thinking of you. :)

    1. One of life's amazing little freebies! ... LOL ... Now that is a glass half full expression if I've ever heard one, Laurel! I will definitely be remembering that! Given how much our lives have changed in the last year, and the fact our relationship at the best place its ever been, I think your advice is good advice ... Thank you! ... nj