Did we miss something? ...

There was a bit of an ahha moment here this weekend.

I have been reading here and there on a new favourite blog and came about a description of an erotic spanking ... one that was a half hour or so long, had a slow, long workup, ending in great pleasure ...  sounding most delicious ... 

{scrreeeech!!! ........ "eh!?? ... is that really you talking, self-proclaimed non spanko, Nora Jean?!" ...

Yeah, yeah ... I heard all of you out there in Blogland ... close your mouths, you're gonna let the flies in ... 😁

I emailed the post link to Frank and read it out loud to him in bed the next morning. The post talked about the sweet spots, the warmup and leisurely getting there :>) 

I said to Frank ... "I think we missed something ... I think we were so intent on getting the DD dynamic going and all the various types of spankiness around that, we forgot to experiment with the EROTIC SPANKING!"

If you've been here for awhile, you know Frank and know he's game on for any kind of spanking activity ... we talked a bit more about where we thought said sweet spots might be and I wondered if a longer, more gradual warm up might make a difference for me ... Frank isn't exactly all about the warm up, let me tell you!

"I think I need to revisit those spanking books I bought last year ... can we talk about this again tomorrow?" .... I know, silly question to ask a spanko man ... 

So last night I did revisit my spanking book how to books ... eventually finding the one I was sure had the info we were looking for ... it is The Compleat Spanker written by Lady Green. Sure enough I found said sweet spot info ... complete with an anatomical diagram plus a section on Warmups. 

This morning found us in bed, comparing my bum to said diagram (geez! ... we are nutbars at times!) trying to figure out exactly where the fun stuff was all supposed to found ... I think we've got it.

Now for some experimentation. If I can just get Frank to slow it all down and take his time and work things up more gradually ... maybe he can help me find the magic that you all talk about ... LOL!

I'll keep you 'posted' ... nj

... the ties that bind us ...

I touched on bondage in my 'reset' post a couple of weeks ago. Writing that got me thinking about from whence we came … 

Bondage to us, means restraints … no fancy ropework happening here. We have used a number of restraint types over the years. Scarves and pantyhose … those were our first bonds - and I think we also had a pair of cheap handcuffs - complete with the fluffy red trim … very tacky :>) ...  and very uncomfortable! All of it was just for fun … experimentations of the newly wed and newly bed. Other than what was in the erotic BDSM classics I read, we had no clue as to what we were doing - no idea there was a community of like minded people out in the world.

When I ‘came out’ to Frank over 20 years ago, letting him know I actually wanted to do more of what was in my now much wider kink library, we took our dynamic to a next level. However, there weren’t any ‘Sex Toys Are Us’ online shopping sites to found in that decade. Our choices were either to head to the bowels of sleezedom in our big city downtown and or go ‘across the line’ to the Dirty Books and More store (we lived in a town that bordered the US where the adult content laws were more relaxed). However, that also meant you had to figure out how to get your treasures back home across the border … both of those were no go options for us … therefore I became a bondage equipment DIY’er. You’d be surprised what you can do with a couple of quality leather skirts from the second hand store, a snap fastener kit plus various hardware rings and rope. Once Frank gave the thumbs up, all systems go, I turned into a cobbler …  a very excited little cobbler I might add … the fruits of which were a set of soft leather ankle cuffs, wrist cuffs, collar, a fur lined blindfold and our very first flogger - the last two still in use today. And so it began … 

Now we do shop online at the Sex Toys Are Us stores. We’ve replaced the leather cuffs with a set of soft fabric velcro closure ankle and wrist cuffs with attached ties … comfortable, simple to use, unobtrusive and easy to travel with. 

And we also have what I call mind bondage … and that was the reference I made in the previous reset post. In that post I also commented that most of the bondage we do today is of the mental type. While writing this post, I dug a little deeper into trying to figure out why that has come into being … why do we not use physical bondage as much anymore. Adding more food for thought, our impromptu reset session was followed up with a formal planned session a couple of days later. In that session we did use physical restraints so now I could do a comparison … 

From a psychological perspective, both work for me. However, the mental bondage has an added edge … without physical bonds to hold me, the decision to hold position is mine to make … and making that decision to not move and to allow Frank to do as he wishes (and of course, deep down it is what I wish as well), deepens my feelings of surrender and submissiveness and intensifies my feelings of erotic embarrassment - one of my kinks (which also exists in the DD world as well … think ‘corner time’ or being told to take your pants down and bare yourself for a good old fashion spanking - embarrassing but oh so hot!). 

My thoughts about why mental versus physical bondage also went to how we play nowadays. It’s just us … unless there are family obligations during the day, we can do what we want, when we want, which means our BDSM sessions tend to be more spontaneous than planned. After a spontaneous start, nothing kills the mood more than having to listen to someone dig around in the toy drawer for the bondage gear.

So with all of these thoughts in mind for a post, Frank and I sat down a couple of days ago in the late afternoon for one of our ‘chats’ … I was excited to share thoughts about our recent reaffirmations of our kink and talk over the topic for this planned post. When I got to the part about the differences between mental and physical bondage, and my corresponding theory re why there is less physical bondage in our play now, he nodded in agreement. However, after a moment, he sat back in his chair, grinned a smirky little smile with his eyebrow quirked and said … 

“Do you want me to tell you the real reason I hardly ever tie you up anymore”

“Of course” … I replied … looking forward to a philosophical discussion. However, my always pragmatic man, came back with this … 

“You whine too much” … 

I burst out laughing … “Seriously!?”

“Yes, seriously ... more often than not, when I tie you up, there is some type of complaint about comfort … that’s hurting my hips, my shoulder hurts, it’s too tight. The way I look at it, if I can get you where and how I want you with my voice and few words, why not go with that.”

Now I really am laughing … and I admit ... he is right … when I think about it, I am a bit of a whiny sub at times … but in my defence, I am also not as supple as I once was ... lol! 

So I guess this means mind bondage will be the mainstay of our future. I'm sure we'll still have the occasional 'tie me up' session but now I'll try to remember to not complain too much 😊

So that’s how the B for Bondage in BDSM rolls in the Cawder household … it's been a very long time since we were wide eyed, kinky neophytes but what we do and how we do it works for us … and the recent addition of DD/ttwd and the change to a 24/7 lifestyle has brought a renewal into our D/s relationship. After all those years of operating on our own, it feels good to have a community out there, a community we can learn from, a community who gets our kink and with whom we can share the sometimes serious and sometimes funny sides of our D/s/DD/ttwd life …. 

Thanks as always for dropping by … nj & Frank

💞

 ... if this little foray of mine into the world of BDSM has you wanting to read more, you can use the 'badge' below to visit the SafewordD/s Club's Tell Me About ... Dominance and Submission project. There are several 'Tell Me About ...' topics found there, the current one being Bondage (hence this post) and I am told there is one coming up later for ... drumrollll please! ... Spanking ... so stay tuned!

you might also want to visit the blogs of the club's co-creators, 

Missy and her hubby, His Lordship

A Simple Song of Submission

... with a nod to CD Reiss's book series titled Songs of Submission ... 

I had the pleasure of a few hours of quiet, reflective time in the studio Sunday afternoon. It was just me, alone with my art and my thoughts, which turned to our ttwd/DD/D/s life. 

On Sunday, I was thinking about submission - my submission - and my sometimes lack of submission. Prior to last week's reset, I had been struggling to regain my submissive mindset. Now that it was back I knew I needed to be working actively to maintain it. As with many practices, it can be the littlest adjustments that make all the difference. I thought how even the smallest, simplest acts of active submission, help to maintain my headspace. A perfect example of this was top of mind ... 

We had gone for a walk in the morning ... it's been a few months since we walked regularly. The last of our old dogs died in October and our daily walking habit died with her. Although we keep talking about getting back to it, so far it hadn't happened. The past few days, I have been determined to make it so, which means it was on my Sunday to-do list. 

I thought about how contented I was during our morning walk, pondering the differences in me, and our relationship, pre and post 2018. Pre 2018, outside of our bedroom D/s dynamic, I was definitely not submissive. In considering our Sunday morning walk, I was pretty sure a pre 2018 version of our walk (in blue) would have been different from Sunday's version, both in tone and outcome  ... 

Pre 2018 NJ - "Let's go for a walk - we haven't walked in ages. We both need it. I'm going this morning - I think you should go with me"

2019 NJ - "I would like to go for a walk this morning. Do you want to go with me?"

Frank is agreeable, so first thing, after we're up and about, we're off ... 

Pre 2018 NJ - "We should walk the old route ... down the highway to the beach road and back along the beach, like we used to ... and walk walk, not doddle"

2019 NJ -  "Which way would you like to go?"

Frank is non committal (pre 2018 this would have sparked a debate), turning to walk left out of the driveway. He sets the direction and the pace ... I willingly follow at his side, although I have to admit, I am silently self admonishing, reminding myself to keep a submissive mindset and just go with the flow. 

Pre 2018 NJ - I roar ahead, walking at what I deem the appropriate walking pace - expecting him to keep up (we're the same height but I have longer legs so I usually walk faster)

2019 NJ - I match my pace to his - if it were a leisurely walk and a warmer temp, we would be holding hands but not this morning. He's forgotten gloves and has his hands in his pockets. I don't ask where we are going. I am 'leaning in' ... following, letting him take the lead.

Pre 2018 NJ - At the first junction ...  "Let's go this way - up the hill"

2019 - At the first junction ... Frank avoids the hill, heading up to the highway. Not my first choice but again, I remind myself to settle, submit and follow ... and when I let it all go, it feels so good to do so ... my mind quiets, knowing Frank has us and I allow myself to just 'enjoy'.

Pre 2018 NJ - Highway walking was typically done with the dogs, which means we are single file - a dog a piece.

2019 - No dogs. We are facing traffic and I am walking on his right. Ten paces down the highway, as traffic comes around the corner, he puts a hand around my waist, guiding me and asking me to move to the inside, to his left, leaving him walking on the outside beside traffic. I don't comment ... just smile to myself, appreciating that he is taking care of me. 

Pre 2018 NJ - We hit the junction where we either go further down the highway or turn back into the neighbourhood. Frank wants to go back into the neighbourhood and I argue that we should go further, longer - that this hasn't been much of a walk ... if this scenario turned into a debate, Frank would most likely have won, however, the dialogue itself would have created tension.

2019 - I am cognizant that this is a first walk. Frank has put a few lbs back on this winter and extra weight means his back can only take so much exercise at one time. Again, reminding myself to go with the flow, we head back into the neighbourhood and home. 

When we get home I check my walking app and show Frank that we've done 1 km - not a long walk, not a fast walk but a walk - which is all good if we can make it a habit - going further and faster with time. 

The next time I'm heading out to walk, I will ask Frank ... "Would you like to go for a walk with me?" ... I hope he says "yes" ... sometimes it's the simplest things that matter ... 

💞

A Reset ... of clocks and me ...

My 'feeling sorry for myself' post and the often annoying semi annual time change, both happened this past weekend. 

Sunday night I was still in a funk and marched myself off to bed early, only to awaken around 2:30 AM (my long time insomnia issue has finally abated so thankfully this is no longer a regular occurrence). I laid there for an hour, gave up, opened my ipad, futzed around online for 30 mins or so, gave sleep another go, only to not succeed and consequently, do a rinse and repeat until nearly 6 AM. 

After finally falling back to sleep I was awoken by Frank leaping out of bed with a, "crap!, it's 8:30 - chickens needed to be let out" and then him asking me why I'd let him sleep in, not realizing I was still asleep (I'm usually the first awake). By the time he was out at the hen house he realized that there is no clock reset for the chickens and they were wondering why he was getting them up a half hour early ... haha! ... the life of a chicken farmer. 

It was just as well we awoke when we did as I now had to hurry and take myself to town to exercise class. Although I wasn't in a bad mood when I got home, I was in a quiet, introspective mood. I silently ate my breakfast, Frank reading at the table with me. Finally, after I was finished eating, he reached his hand out and took mine ... 

"How are you doing today?" 

"I'm ok"

"You seemed a little cranky this morning - sorry, I didn't realize you hadn't slept"

"I didn't mean to be cranky - I was just tired"

He lifted my chin to look at him and instructed ... 

"Go take your pants off and lay over the bed"

I sighed - but he gave me his "I mean business, no nonsense" look, so I complied. 

A few minutes later he joined me in the bedroom and proceeded to take off the rest of my clothes. Without a word, he began spanking - 10 sharp spanks - 5 on each cheek. Then he pulled me up, pulled the bedclothes back and motioned for me to get into the bed. Pulling the covers up and around me, tucking them in, he said ... 

"I want you to stay in bed and get some rest" ... he kissed me and then left, closing the door behind him. I fell asleep in a matter of minutes. 

I woke up not knowing how long I'd slept but was feeling much more refreshed. I debated with myself if I should just get up and get dressed or if should I ask permission ... I decided to ask ... opening the door a crack, peeking out ... 

"Ok if I get up now?"

"Nooo ... get back to bed" was the response ... however, I had to make a slight detour on my way back to bed, which meant I was coming out of the bathroom when he came to the bedroom. Leaning nonchalantly against the doorframe, arms crossed, he asked ...

"Why are you up? ... it's only been 30 minutes"

Laughing, I replied ... "I had to pee ... but really, I feel like I've slept much longer"

"Well back to bed you go ... "

I climbed back into bed, expecting him to tuck me back in again but he climbed in behind me. Turning me around so he was up against my back, he pulled me into him, laying quietly for a few minutes. Then he nuzzled into my neck, whispering ... 

"I want to play with you" ... 

So just some clarification ... for us 'play' doesn't mean 'play' in the fun, horsing around sense ... to us it has a much more serious connotation. This was Frank telling me he wanted a D/s session - something we had not had for quite a long while. It was Frank asking for my consent to proceed ... and I gave it ... 

Out came the big flogger, nipple cups, dildo, and a couple of my favourite vibrators. Twenty years ago, leather cuffs, ropes and ties were very exciting. Nowadays, there is no longer a need or want for physical bondage ... we have what I think of as mind bondage. When Franks instructs me as to what position he wants me in and tells me to stay there or else ... I do as I am told ... 

It was a amazingly hot, early afternoon interlude! ... and exactly the reset I needed ... I may not be a spanko ... but rest assured, I am definitely an old kinkster! 

And today I feel like me again ... the blues gone ... my head back in the game, with my dominant man by my side ... 

💞

... thank-you, as always, for dropping by! ... nj and Frank

Spring Cleaning ...

... the tradition of thoroughly cleaning a house in the Springtime. Depending on which version speaks to you, it is said Spring Cleaning has it's origins in the religious traditions of getting ready for Passover or alternatively, it is simply a tradition, typically followed by those living in colder climates, who with the arrival of warmer weather, welcome the ability to open the doors and clean away the detritus of winter.

In our household, since we both hate housework, there is no big ritual or undertaking here to observe the arrival of Spring by cleaning house. 

However, it is a time when we consider chores such as window cleaning, deck sweeping, shooing the spiders back outside (did you know spiders come indoors in the Fall, looking for love :>)) ... and the outdoor Spring requirements of looking after over an acre of property.

This year, I am undertaking a Spring Cleaning of the metaphorical kind ... a cleaning of the cobwebs of my mind. Unlike the last two years, where I had the excitement of sexual and relationship revolutions to carry me through into Spring, this year that excitement is missing - I have been hit with the Winter blues yet again ... Frank has been hit with Shingles (get your vaccinations folks!) ... and between the two of us it's been a quiet transition into March. 

However, as of this week, I have decided I can't always rely on Frank to make it better - the last spanking session we had hardly registered - well it registered on my ass and I have the marks to prove it but it did nothing for my mind :>) ... I have decided I need to take some responsibility for my emotional well being. I've started by going back to revisit some of my old self motivational audio files, undertaking some new mindful meditation exercises (that *&^%ing Lola Libido better get her ass back from whatever sunny climes vacation she's been on!) and working hard at finding my submissive self  ... yup, it's time for Spring Cleaning, nj style! 

Hope the 'almost upon us' advent of Spring has you excited about new paths ... and some spanky fun in the sun!

thanks for dropping by! ... nj and Frank