... with a nod to CD Reiss's book series titled Songs of Submission ...
I had the pleasure of a few hours of quiet, reflective time in the studio Sunday afternoon. It was just me, alone with my art and my thoughts, which turned to our ttwd/DD/D/s life.
On Sunday, I was thinking about submission - my submission - and my sometimes lack of submission. Prior to last week's reset, I had been struggling to regain my submissive mindset. Now that it was back I knew I needed to be working actively to maintain it. As with many practices, it can be the littlest adjustments that make all the difference. I thought how even the smallest, simplest acts of active submission, help to maintain my headspace. A perfect example of this was top of mind ...
We had gone for a walk in the morning ... it's been a few months since we walked regularly. The last of our old dogs died in October and our daily walking habit died with her. Although we keep talking about getting back to it, so far it hadn't happened. The past few days, I have been determined to make it so, which means it was on my Sunday to-do list.
I thought about how contented I was during our morning walk, pondering the differences in me, and our relationship, pre and post 2018. Pre 2018, outside of our bedroom D/s dynamic, I was definitely not submissive. In considering our Sunday morning walk, I was pretty sure a pre 2018 version of our walk (in blue) would have been different from Sunday's version, both in tone and outcome ...
Pre 2018 NJ - "Let's go for a walk - we haven't walked in ages. We both need it. I'm going this morning - I think you should go with me"
2019 NJ - "I would like to go for a walk this morning. Do you want to go with me?"
Frank is agreeable, so first thing, after we're up and about, we're off ...
Pre 2018 NJ - "We should walk the old route ... down the highway to the beach road and back along the beach, like we used to ... and walk walk, not doddle"
2019 NJ - "Which way would you like to go?"
Frank is non committal (pre 2018 this would have sparked a debate), turning to walk left out of the driveway. He sets the direction and the pace ... I willingly follow at his side, although I have to admit, I am silently self admonishing, reminding myself to keep a submissive mindset and just go with the flow.
Pre 2018 NJ - I roar ahead, walking at what I deem the appropriate walking pace - expecting him to keep up (we're the same height but I have longer legs so I usually walk faster)
2019 NJ - I match my pace to his - if it were a leisurely walk and a warmer temp, we would be holding hands but not this morning. He's forgotten gloves and has his hands in his pockets. I don't ask where we are going. I am 'leaning in' ... following, letting him take the lead.
Pre 2018 NJ - At the first junction ... "Let's go this way - up the hill"
2019 - At the first junction ... Frank avoids the hill, heading up to the highway. Not my first choice but again, I remind myself to settle, submit and follow ... and when I let it all go, it feels so good to do so ... my mind quiets, knowing Frank has us and I allow myself to just 'enjoy'.
Pre 2018 NJ - Highway walking was typically done with the dogs, which means we are single file - a dog a piece.
2019 - No dogs. We are facing traffic and I am walking on his right. Ten paces down the highway, as traffic comes around the corner, he puts a hand around my waist, guiding me and asking me to move to the inside, to his left, leaving him walking on the outside beside traffic. I don't comment ... just smile to myself, appreciating that he is taking care of me.
Pre 2018 NJ - We hit the junction where we either go further down the highway or turn back into the neighbourhood. Frank wants to go back into the neighbourhood and I argue that we should go further, longer - that this hasn't been much of a walk ... if this scenario turned into a debate, Frank would most likely have won, however, the dialogue itself would have created tension.
2019 - I am cognizant that this is a first walk. Frank has put a few lbs back on this winter and extra weight means his back can only take so much exercise at one time. Again, reminding myself to go with the flow, we head back into the neighbourhood and home.
When we get home I check my walking app and show Frank that we've done 1 km - not a long walk, not a fast walk but a walk - which is all good if we can make it a habit - going further and faster with time.
The next time I'm heading out to walk, I will ask Frank ... "Would you like to go for a walk with me?" ... I hope he says "yes" ... sometimes it's the simplest things that matter ...