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Wednesday 20 March 2019

A Simple Song of Submission

... with a nod to CD Reiss's book series titled Songs of Submission ... 

I had the pleasure of a few hours of quiet, reflective time in the studio Sunday afternoon. It was just me, alone with my art and my thoughts, which turned to our ttwd/DD/D/s life. 

On Sunday, I was thinking about submission - my submission - and my sometimes lack of submission. Prior to last week's resetI had been struggling to regain my submissive mindset. Now that it was back I knew I needed to be working actively to maintain it. As with many practices, it can be the littlest adjustments that make all the difference. I thought how even the smallest, simplest acts of active submission, help to maintain my headspace. A perfect example of this was top of mind ... 

We had gone for a walk in the morning ... it's been a few months since we walked regularly. The last of our old dogs died in October and our daily walking habit died with her. Although we keep talking about getting back to it, so far it hadn't happened. The past few days, I have been determined to make it so, which means it was on my Sunday to-do list. 

I thought about how contented I was during our morning walk, pondering the differences in me, and our relationship, pre and post 2018. Pre 2018, outside of our bedroom D/s dynamic, I was definitely not submissive. In considering our Sunday morning walk, I was pretty sure a pre 2018 version of our walk (in bluewould have been different from Sunday's version, both in tone and outcome  ... 

Pre 2018 NJ - "Let's go for a walk - we haven't walked in ages. We both need it. I'm going this morning - I think you should go with me"

2019 NJ - "I would like to go for a walk this morning. Do you want to go with me?"

Frank is agreeable, so first thing, after we're up and about, we're off ... 

Pre 2018 NJ - "We should walk the old route ... down the highway to the beach road and back along the beach, like we used to ... and walk walk, not doddle"

2019 NJ -  "Which way would you like to go?"

Frank is non committal (pre 2018 this would have sparked a debate), turning to walk left out of the driveway. He sets the direction and the pace ... I willingly follow at his side, although I have to admit, I am silently self admonishing, reminding myself to keep a submissive mindset and just go with the flow. 

Pre 2018 NJ - I roar ahead, walking at what I deem the appropriate walking pace - expecting him to keep up (we're the same height but I have longer legs so I usually walk faster)

2019 NJ - I match my pace to his - if it were a leisurely walk and a warmer temp, we would be holding hands but not this morning. He's forgotten gloves and has his hands in his pockets. I don't ask where we are going. I am 'leaning in' ... following, letting him take the lead.

Pre 2018 NJ - At the first junction ...  "Let's go this way - up the hill"

2019 - At the first junction ... Frank avoids the hill, heading up to the highway. Not my first choice but again, I remind myself to settle, submit and follow ... and when I let it all go, it feels so good to do so ... my mind quiets, knowing Frank has us and I allow myself to just 'enjoy'.

Pre 2018 NJ - Highway walking was typically done with the dogs, which means we are single file - a dog a piece.

2019 - No dogs. We are facing traffic and I am walking on his right. Ten paces down the highway, as traffic comes around the corner, he puts a hand around my waist, guiding me and asking me to move to the inside, to his left, leaving him walking on the outside beside traffic. I don't comment ... just smile to myself, appreciating that he is taking care of me. 

Pre 2018 NJ - We hit the junction where we either go further down the highway or turn back into the neighbourhood. Frank wants to go back into the neighbourhood and I argue that we should go further, longer - that this hasn't been much of a walk ... if this scenario turned into a debate, Frank would most likely have won, however, the dialogue itself would have created tension.

2019 - I am cognizant that this is a first walk. Frank has put a few lbs back on this winter and extra weight means his back can only take so much exercise at one time. Again, reminding myself to go with the flow, we head back into the neighbourhood and home. 

When we get home I check my walking app and show Frank that we've done 1 km - not a long walk, not a fast walk but a walk - which is all good if we can make it a habit - going further and faster with time. 

The next time I'm heading out to walk, I will ask Frank ... "Would you like to go for a walk with me?" ... I hope he says "yes" ... sometimes it's the simplest things that matter ... 


💞



18 comments:

  1. Wow NJ, your posts lately have been so reflective, heartfelt and powerful...which in turn is making me sit here reflectively. I definitely need to work on getting back into my submissive mindset now that we're on our way back to good health. I've kind of been moving full-steam ahead, just because I feeling better now and trying to make up for lost time. (I've even been impatient about getting back into our roles pronto! Yikes.) Love how you can look back and so clearly see the changes at heart-level. Beautifully written. Thanks NJ.

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    1. Hi Shell ... Thank you for your thoughts and kind words. We are back in a good place ... and the changes that occurred in us both in the last year have been so absorbed into our day to day life I do have to sometimes step back and make note of how far we've come. ... nj ... xx

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  2. NJ,
    When we step back and let our men lead, it is difficult at first and the leaning in part is very hard sometimes. However, if we keep doing it and are aware of doing it, we begin to see the results. I really like the way you told your story. Each walk with your guy leading becomes better and you learn to go with the flow which is a sign of his leading. Excellent post!
    Meredith

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    1. Thank-you, Meredith ... I'm beginning to realize 'self awareness' is a key part of all of this ... and as always your phrase 'leaning in' brings all the right imagery to mind :>)) ... nj ... xx

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  3. I still struggle with maintaining my submission at times. It’s a mindset, and an awareness that I try hard to keep even though sometimes it feels easier not to. Thinking about it and acting on it in a way that seems so simple but is really so meaningful and important makes all the difference. I love how you followed your guy on your walk, giving this small act of submission with love and respect. It’s really what matters.

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    1. Thanks Laurel for sharing your thoughts ... I made the decision to keep a submissive mindset when I asked Frank to accompany me ... it was a bit of a journey literally and figuratively but I proved to myself that making the smallest of gestures can help ... We are now nearly a week later and I've managed to keep it going ... nj ... xx

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  4. Hi NJ, what a lovely post and reflection on how ttwd has changed the way you and Frank interact. It's great to be take stock and reflect on how far we have come :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz ... It is good to look back every once in awhile especially after being through a bit of a down period. Thanks as always ... you are so supportive of this community! ... nj ... xx

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  5. I love it when I am in a space that has me being reflective. I love the soul searching ability and the peaceful calm that comes over me- ( envious of the art studio btw so don't think I've gone all hippy sweet on you. LOL).

    This post comes at a great time, because regardless of how long couples have been doing ttwd my experience has been that we need to have these alone reflective times to allow submission to further sink back into our bones if you will.

    While I do agree it gets easier, I will also say there is a flip side to that coin and it can get more challenging. It seems the longer we are at this the greater our expectations can be not just of our partners and but of ourselves too. That can often create frustration. So while you still bit your tongue when you walked, you still BIT YOUR TONGUE when you walked. A great feat to not let the one voice take over your submissive voice ( thoughts can be what they are LOL).

    I loved this post because it reminded me of me on so many occasions ( I hope that doesn't scare you. LOL)

    willie

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    1. Laughing, Willie ... no it doesn't scare me ... altho' not sure I want to know it might get harder ... lol! ... nj ... xx

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  6. Love, love this post! It is so neat to see the changes that ttwd makes to a relationship. Thank you for sharing!

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    1. You are welcome, Blondie! ... I appreciate your words of support ... nj ... xx

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  7. What an interestingly reflective post, NJ! I know finding and then keeping your submissive heart is very important to you and you're always searching for ways big and small to nurture it. I don't know if I will ever figure it out and be able to sustain it! GAH! I think it's in my rear end somewhere. Storm will just have to keep trying to spank it out of me (or is it "in"?) Sweet ttwd post, NJ. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Haha! ... not going there re your submissiveness or lack thereof ... I'll leave it to Storm to find ... lol! I do appreciate your sweet comment re my submissive heart and your understanding of what it means to me ... hugs! ... nj

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  8. Nora Jean,
    I love this post for many reasons. You have made the walking a metaphor for submitting, and it turned out quite beautiful as well as quite true. It takes practice too. Just like practicing a piano, we don't get really good at submission without devoting time to it.
    This post comes at a good time for me. I am starting to come out of the recuperation stage of this surgery, and I am a bit rusty. Sam was determined to help me physically as much as he could. I was struggling to deal with the physical limitations, therapy, and way too many doctor appointments. With spring starting to show its face a little, it is a good time to make some changes. Perhaps I can ask him is he would like to take a walk.

    Beautiful Post, NJ :)
    Ella

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    1. Thank you Ella ... I am so happy you are feeling well enough again to rejoin us .... and thank you for your insight ... I have to admit I never thought of our walk as a metaphor until you mentioned it. I hope now that you are better, there will be many Sam and Ella walks to be had ... hugs! ... nj

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  9. 2018 preNJ - another spanking story, good read, a break from reality

    2019 presentNJ - another thought provoking, caring, heartwarming, real, inspiring post

    Thank you!
    Amy

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    1. Awwww ... sweet comment, Amy ... thank you! ... so good to see you here again ... nj

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