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Saturday 23 March 2019

... the ties that bind us ...




I touched on bondage in my 'reset' post a couple of weeks ago. Writing that got me thinking about from whence we came … 

Bondage to us, means restraints … no fancy ropework happening here. We have used a number of restraint types over the years. Scarves and pantyhose … those were our first bonds - and I think we also had a pair of cheap handcuffs - complete with the fluffy red trim … very tacky :>) ...  and very uncomfortable! All of it was just for fun … experimentations of the newly wed and newly bed. Other than what was in the erotic BDSM classics I read, we had no clue as to what we were doing - no idea there was a community of like minded people out in the world.

When I ‘came out’ to Frank over 20 years ago, letting him know I actually wanted to do more of what was in my now much wider kink library, we took our dynamic to a next level. However, there weren’t any ‘Sex Toys Are Us’ online shopping sites to found in that decade. Our choices were either to head to the bowels of sleezedom in our big city downtown and or go ‘across the line’ to the Dirty Books and More store (we lived in a town that bordered the US where the adult content laws were more relaxed). However, that also meant you had to figure out how to get your treasures back home across the border … both of those were no go options for us … therefore I became a bondage equipment DIY’er. You’d be surprised what you can do with a couple of quality leather skirts from the second hand store, a snap fastener kit plus various hardware rings and rope. Once Frank gave the thumbs up, all systems go, I turned into a cobbler …  a very excited little cobbler I might add … the fruits of which were a set of soft leather ankle cuffs, wrist cuffs, collar, a fur lined blindfold and our very first flogger - the last two still in use today. And so it began … 

Now we do shop online at the Sex Toys Are Us stores. We’ve replaced the leather cuffs with a set of soft fabric velcro closure ankle and wrist cuffs with attached ties … comfortable, simple to use, unobtrusive and easy to travel with. 

And we also have what I call mind bondage … and that was the reference I made in the previous reset post. In that post I also commented that most of the bondage we do today is of the mental type. While writing this post, I dug a little deeper into trying to figure out why that has come into being … why do we not use physical bondage as much anymore. Adding more food for thought, our impromptu reset session was followed up with a formal planned session a couple of days later. In that session we did use physical restraints so now I could do a comparison … 

From a psychological perspective, both work for me. However, the mental bondage has an added edge … without physical bonds to hold me, the decision to hold position is mine to make … and making that decision to not move and to allow Frank to do as he wishes (and of course, deep down it is what I wish as well), deepens my feelings of surrender and submissiveness and intensifies my feelings of erotic embarrassment - one of my kinks (which also exists in the DD world as well … think ‘corner time’ or being told to take your pants down and bare yourself for a good old fashion spanking - embarrassing but oh so hot!). 

My thoughts about why mental versus physical bondage also went to how we play nowadays. It’s just us … unless there are family obligations during the day, we can do what we want, when we want, which means our BDSM sessions tend to be more spontaneous than planned. After a spontaneous start, nothing kills the mood more than having to listen to someone dig around in the toy drawer for the bondage gear.

So with all of these thoughts in mind for a post, Frank and I sat down a couple of days ago in the late afternoon for one of our ‘chats’ … I was excited to share thoughts about our recent reaffirmations of our kink and talk over the topic for this planned post. When I got to the part about the differences between mental and physical bondage, and my corresponding theory re why there is less physical bondage in our play now, he nodded in agreement. However, after a moment, he sat back in his chair, grinned a smirky little smile with his eyebrow quirked and said … 

“Do you want me to tell you the real reason I hardly ever tie you up anymore”

“Of course” … I replied … looking forward to a philosophical discussion. However, my always pragmatic man, came back with this … 

“You whine too much” … 

I burst out laughing … “Seriously!?”

“Yes, seriously ... more often than not, when I tie you up, there is some type of complaint about comfort … that’s hurting my hips, my shoulder hurts, it’s too tight. The way I look at it, if I can get you where and how I want you with my voice and few words, why not go with that.”

Now I really am laughing … and I admit ... he is right … when I think about it, I am a bit of a whiny sub at times … but in my defence, I am also not as supple as I once was ... lol! 

So I guess this means mind bondage will be the mainstay of our future. I'm sure we'll still have the occasional 'tie me up' session but now I'll try to remember to not complain too much 😊

So that’s how the B for Bondage in BDSM rolls in the Cawder household … it's been a very long time since we were wide eyed, kinky neophytes but what we do and how we do it works for us … and the recent addition of DD/ttwd and the change to a 24/7 lifestyle has brought a renewal into our D/s relationship. After all those years of operating on our own, it feels good to have a community out there, a community we can learn from, a community who gets our kink and with whom we can share the sometimes serious and sometimes funny sides of our D/s/DD/ttwd life …. 

Thanks as always for dropping by … nj & Frank


💞


 ... if this little foray of mine into the world of BDSM has you wanting to read more, you can use the 'badge' below to visit the SafewordD/s Club's Tell Me About ... Dominance and Submission project. There are several 'Tell Me About ...' topics found there, the current one being Bondage (hence this post) and I am told there is one coming up later for ... drumrollll please! ... Spanking ... so stay tuned!


you might also want to visit the blogs of the club's co-creators, 
Missy and her hubby, His Lordship


tellmeabout





27 comments:

  1. Hi Nj, I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing the part bondage plays in your relationship. Your comparison between physical and mental bondage was interesting. What you said about mental bondage makes sense. Frank's comment about you being whiny made me giggle lol.

    We have used bondage on an occasional basis over the years using scarves and cheap cuffs.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi Roz ... it's never been a mainstay for us but it was the most exciting first BDSM type thing we tried. My brain is my biggest erogenous zone, as is for many women, so mental works best for me now.
      Yes, Frank always gives me the giggles too ... sometimes at the most inappropriate times :>)) ... nj ... xx

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  2. NJ! This is beautifully written. I love it. (And can I just say, I'm so glad you went first. I hardly slept last night trying to figure out if I could/should really put my post out there. I woke up this morning and here you are -- just the boost I needed!).

    And the more we get to know each other the more I think we're living in reverse. Where you are hanging up the hat on physical restraints, I'm just now tiptoeing in that direction. LOL You and Frank are an inspiration to us. Thanks! Tipping my glass to new adventures both in writing and.... :) :)

    Hugs -- shell

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    1. Thank you, Shell ... this was a bit of an adventure, wasn't it ... I think it's kinda cool you think we're inspiring you and Matt ... never thought that I/we would ever be an inspiration to anyone in this arena ... lol! ... hugs! ... nj

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  3. This made me laugh. Well obviously not the entire post, just what Frank said. It made me think of conversations with B and I. I tend to go deep and think of why he is or ins't doing something how it affects me etc...and then he says something like Frank. LOL!

    I understand the desire for mind bondage and it happens here quite a bit just not in the sexual arena much. I tend to focus too much on not moving and well that is a distraction unto itself in those situations. While I am under B's control in action because those are his wants at the time, I am in control mentally in a different way.

    For me personally mind bondage works better in situations B puts me in for mental endurance: ice on body parts; difficult positions; positions that aren't difficult at the time but turn out to be over time; speech restrictions ( you can imagine just how hard that would be for me based on my comment lengths alone!).

    Sexually or even during a reset when B literally ties me down, or up *wink* there is a completely different type of freedom. I can authentically do whatever I want, uninhibited by my mind, just inhibited by my restraints. The tighter I'm bound, the more free I feel. I don't have to think. I just have to be, and I LOVE that. I am completely at his mercy and outside of words ( unless gagged lol) I have zero control over the situation. Yes there is a sexual energy to it, but there is so much more. It is as if binding me allows my personal restraints to disappear.

    As always I enjoyed your post! It's so refreshing to read the inner thinkings of another. These type of posts are what drew me to blogland. As Amy touch on the other day, stories about things are great in an entertainment way, but reading about discoveries, and growth that is where the meat and potatoes are! Thank you so much for continuing to share yourself.

    willie

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    1. Thanks, Willie ... we'll see where it all goes ... it's a constant evolution around here these days :>) ... nj

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  4. Thank you so much for writing this and for adding it to Tell Me About. It is always great to be able to find new writers and new blogs to follow. I can see a lot of similarities between the way that things work for you and for us and I am highly impressed at your DIY skills. I can relate to what Frank said about whining at the restraints and I also saw that, ironically, they can restrict the success of play in the way that the mental bondage does. You have made me think �� missy xx

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    1. Thanks, Missy, for your encouragement to participate in TMA ... this was a bit more of a step that you might realize :>) and yes, not only can physical restraints get the way, they are also more difficult to manage in the case of position changes. Thanks for dropping by! ... nj ... xx

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  5. loved this post nj -- really loved it. I have experienced full on bondage -- pretty stuff - stuff meant for photography not play... and I have experienced restraint / don't move type of bondage. Times change - partners change -- and now it is mostly mental bondage and I love it too (maybe more) ...... a challenge to hold my position despite everything ......
    I personally adore the 'erotic embarrassment' as you called it ..... for me it's very hot !!! (grinning)

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    1. I have read back in your blog, Morningstar, so I do have a sense of your accomplishments in this arena (grinning) ... glad to hear you enjoyed the post! ... nj

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  6. Leave it to you to make me laugh about the topic of bondage. It was the "whining" that sent me over the edge, NJ. Still smiling in fact. Since I ache in so many places these days, I think I would be an awful submissive in that way.

    I would really like to read more about the mind bondage- from you and others. Much more my style. As I told Shell in a comment just now, there is an author that Katie t turned me on to, and her name is Cherise Sinclair. I have read the complete Masters of the Shadowlands series. You might enjoy it as well, my friend.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. I knew Frank would have you smiling, Ella! ... and re authors ... remember this is me you're talking to ... the person who drank from a firehose of erotic romance, for 18 months ... especially if it was D/s/BDSM related. Yes, I have read all of Cherise's books. When you're finished with her series, drop me a line and I can give you at least a couple more authors to consider ... lol! ... hugs! ... nj

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  7. NJ,
    A "whiny sub" you are, eh? LOL Well, with all that DIY you have done over there, I still think you need to make some dildos....for artistic purposes only, of course. Not in earth tones though....florescent something, I say. Put one or two on the left and right sides of your blog in hot pink.....

    Storm and I don't do the bondage thing..... Happily staying French Vanilla. Good for you for enjoying Rocky Road adventures. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Yes, I am a whiny sub at times and you are a nutbar! ... I've have sent you the video, right? ... the dildo making video? :>))
      If you are happy on French Vanilla Avenue then that's all that matters, Windy ... hugs! ... nj

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  8. Thank you for sharing, NoraJean. I loved this. :) Does needing to go across the border mean you are Canadian too??? I think I asked once, but I can't remember. lol

    I find so much freedom from mental and actual physical bondage, and I loved your take on it. Whiny sub, oh, you poor thing. LOL We didn't make bondage gear, because we were in the age for internet shopping for sex toys. But I find it very hard to find implements in Canada, so I have taken to making all of our implements except for a set of wood paddles from Blondie's. I have wanted for a few years now to learn to work with leather. :) Who knows, maybe someday I'll brave up and try.
    Hugs, EsMay

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    1. You are welcome, EsMay! ... and yes, lol! ... I am Canadian ... but on the other side of our great country, I believe :>)) I have seen pics of your DIY implements ... scary! ... bath brush scary! lol! ... and the leather thing? if you get soft enough leather, fabric glue is all you need. ... hugs! ... nj

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  9. Love this post. It sounds familiar to my story. We used our own home made bondage for years but now have ones we bought and we actually just bought suspension cuffs that will work better in long scenes,, they don't cut off the circulation in the wrists. I really like being bound but I can see the advantages of the mental bondage too. You are a good writer, lad that I read your post

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    1. Thanks, Blondie, I'm glad you enjoyed the post. Frank has talked about suspension for flogging purposes but I think we're past the point where that might work well in reality ... haha! ... more for me to whine about ... lol! ... nj

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  10. We use both the mental and the physical. M pushes the mental...using His voice and sometimes touch...to help me along. I have to admit, when I succeed, it is the best feeling...like total, voluntary, submission. More often we use the physical...which I also enjoy, since I can relax and let the cuffs or the ropes or belt do most of the work...lol. What a wonderfully thoughtful and well written post...Thanks! hugs abby

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    1. Thanks, Abby ... I still remember your post from when M built your spanking bench ... talk about DIY'ing ;)) ... if I am comfortable, I too can sink into physical bondage ... hugs! ... nj

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  11. Mind bondage, I love it. Eric and I want to do so much more with bondage but it's hard when the man continually flies off to the other side of the world. His latest fantasy is rope play using a silk black bondage rope we bought about a year ago. He's dying to learn how to tie my body artfully, in particular, my breasts. We'll figure it out at some point but we sure find ourselves laughing a lot as we discover new things. Great post! Thanks for sharing.
    Amy

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    1. The rope bondage sounds lovely, Amy ... however I think the D needs to have an artistic eye to make that work well ... which sounds like something your Eric might have ... not Frank tho' ... lol! ... so I don't think we'll ever go there. Have you ever thought about trying mental bondage/mental control over the phone while Eric is away? ... you both have pretty good imaginations :)) .. it might be something to consider when he's off to other parts of the world ... nj ... xx

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  12. My desire to be spanked was so strong that I could no longer contain it. The magazines, the private times in the bathroom, I just had to see what a spanking really felt like. I was seeing a wonderful woman, enjoyed older women and so she knew of my strong desire, but could not bring herself to give me a spanking. Saturday morning she always had her best friend over and she would say with a smile there times a spanking would do you good and that was said and then forgotten. This one Saturday morning I slept in on purpose, waited until she was showered, dressed, and her friend was there. I was scared, but knew I had to do it, the knowing I would feel better gave me the courage. I walked in on them, naked, erect, smiling, the look on their faces was shock at first and then that stern look. The friend stood up looked at her friend and said Cute, very Cute. Shall I the friend said or will you do it looking at the woman I was seeing. Why not both was the response and I looked at both and said nothing. I'm first I heard from the woman I was seeing and with a grip on my arm and several spanks to my bare bottom taken to the bedroom. I was shocked, I was over her lap in no time and the hairbrush being applied soundly. Enjoying this she said and I said nothing. Please no more I said, it hurts, please stop. She continued on and when done, stood me up and back to the kitchen spanking along the way. Your turn she said to her friend, and I pleaded no, no more, please and her friend just pulled the chair to the middle of the kitchen and over her lap I went. I was a mess when she finished and rubbing they both told me to stand there, facing them, no talking no rubbing. When the friend left, she smiled and said that felt good and that bottom is really red. Nothing was said the rest of the day, sitting was hard, and it was not until a couple of days later I was told not to bother getting dress. I stood in the front room naked, erect and to my shock told to masturbate, she showed me the magazines that I would look at. I did as told and once done, that spanking hurt and to this day, I'm spanked when she decides and does not matter who is present.

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  13. Oh what a great post! I think a lot of the bondage we do is mental. We dont usually have a lot of time and setting up the gear takes effort. At the very least a few minutes to dig around for it and put the stuff on, and later on to undo everything. It also requires more planning because its harder to get in and out of different positions spontaneously. Mental bondage is that much more effective at bringing me to my submissive space. Like you, i feel a lot more “giving” of myself when im the only thing responsible for not moving!

    Great reading this today!

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    1. Thanks Fondles! ... yes, yes and yes :>)) ... nj

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  14. Thank you for such a great post and a somewhat different perspective on bondage. Really good to show that bondage goes beyond the norm (or nor so norm depending your POV!)

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    1. Thanks for dropping by, HL ... always good to 'see' new faces ;>) ... nj

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