Feeling disoriented ... of two minds ... there are days, like today, when I question what the eff it is we are we doing ... when the duality and duplicity of it all becomes too much ... it's these days when I feel I've lost my sense of self ... when I ask, where is the us that is Mom and Dad, Gramma and Grampa, the persons who volunteer in the community. Where am I ... the person who looks after her grandkids, works at and teaches her art, loves and laughs with family and friends ... sometimes I feel disappeared, or as if I have two heads ... one of which lives in an alternative universe, where friends and fellow bloggers also lead alternative lives, lives invisible to 'others', where I love to hang out and learn and share ... then there are days like today, when the stress of living a double life becomes too much ... I want to pull away, cut off the head of the dragon I've come to love and head off back to the land of normal, vanilla normal ... and leave it all behind ...
On the weekend, after a discomfiting day where I couldn't quite put a finger on what was wrong, I did a brain dump, resulting in the little blurb above. Then of course, a few hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, me, so being me, having turned it over and over in my head for hours, had to get up in the middle of the night to write the analysis ....
If you've read here for awhile, you'll know I am open and honest, almost to a fault. So here's the deal ... the one and only thing that bothers me about our ttwd life, is the secrecy of it all ... nope, that's not quite right ... for over 20 yrs, there was no problem keeping our bedroom D/s a secret. It's expected you will keep your bedroom habits to yourself. Last year, when in we took our D/s, added some DD, made it our ttwd and then took it out of the bedroom and into our everyday life - the need to keep that a secret became an issue ... for me ... it doesn't bother Frank, btw.
The other layer of complication is I then came here to Blogland and began talking openly about it all which means, when you think about it, all of you out there know more about our personal life than anyone else we know. I've also on occasion, had to tell little white lies or lies of omission when it comes to the friendships I have behind the blog ... not something that comes easy to me.
And most difficult of all .... we have to keep our new life, which means so much to us, from those we love the most - our children (older adult children), with whom we've always openly shared the worst and best times of our lives. We now have to shut them out of a now important part of our life ... that being our ttwd life.
.... at times it doesn't sit well with me ... it becomes troubling ... difficult ... it creeps up on me and takes over ... like it did on Saturday ...
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On the weekend, after a discomfiting day where I couldn't quite put a finger on what was wrong, I did a brain dump, resulting in the little blurb above. Then of course, a few hours later, in the wee hours of the morning, me, so being me, having turned it over and over in my head for hours, had to get up in the middle of the night to write the analysis ....
If you've read here for awhile, you'll know I am open and honest, almost to a fault. So here's the deal ... the one and only thing that bothers me about our ttwd life, is the secrecy of it all ... nope, that's not quite right ... for over 20 yrs, there was no problem keeping our bedroom D/s a secret. It's expected you will keep your bedroom habits to yourself. Last year, when in we took our D/s, added some DD, made it our ttwd and then took it out of the bedroom and into our everyday life - the need to keep that a secret became an issue ... for me ... it doesn't bother Frank, btw.
The other layer of complication is I then came here to Blogland and began talking openly about it all which means, when you think about it, all of you out there know more about our personal life than anyone else we know. I've also on occasion, had to tell little white lies or lies of omission when it comes to the friendships I have behind the blog ... not something that comes easy to me.
And most difficult of all .... we have to keep our new life, which means so much to us, from those we love the most - our children (older adult children), with whom we've always openly shared the worst and best times of our lives. We now have to shut them out of a now important part of our life ... that being our ttwd life.
.... at times it doesn't sit well with me ... it becomes troubling ... difficult ... it creeps up on me and takes over ... like it did on Saturday ...
Prompt #358 - Mental Health ... follow the badge link to see what others have to say ...
NJ,
ReplyDeleteSo you want to live at Corbin's Bend, huh? LOL
Several of my family members know of a few friends that I have made behind the blog. They don't know I have a blog....laughing..... but they do know that I write and that I exchange emails with people that read my writing. I have said it's a private marriage website.... and I have said that it's kind of like an online book club and because a couple of the gals like PK are authors that we have read, it's the truth. But, I won't give out the names of any books, authors, or blogs.... I'm private about all that. I do understand the way you were feeling and I think that is why the bloggers here in ttwdland and Eroticon bloggers want to have real friendships and real get togethers where they can be themselves. Interesting topic that we can all relate to, I think! Hugs, Windy
You are funny ... CB or Windy's ttwdland :>))
DeleteYou have a good cover in place, Windy ... because your writing aspirations are known to your family. With me, I've never had or expressed any writing aspirations, what so ever. I don't consider myself a writer ... I can tell a story but I'm not so good at creating them. However, I do wish I could wave my magic wand and make all of you artists of the medium I work in ... then I'd have a valid excuse for having a ton of internet friends ... only problem ... the topics of discussion wouldn't be nearly as fun or interesting :>))
Thank-you for your thoughtful comments, my friend. In spite of what I had to say in this post, I am very appreciative of my ttwd friends, you being one of them ... hugs! ... nj
Hi NJ, I too think this is something we all struggle with from time to time, the need to keep a most important part of our lives private from family and friends while at the same time being open and honest here.
ReplyDeleteHugs
Roz
Hi Roz ...thanks again for your support and understanding ... what would we do without you ... you always know just what to say ... hugs! ... nj
DeleteHi NJ, first of all welcome, and thank you so much for joining in with Wicked Wednesday and I hope to read a lot more of you!
ReplyDeleteAs for your thoughts, yes... I recognize them. We went through the phase too, or rather, I did. My husband didn't go through the same worries. We talked about it a lot, and eventually we were as honest with the kids (all grown) as we felt comfortable with. We never told them about the D/s but we did tell them about meeting people through my blog and Twitter, and they do know I write about sex, but they don't know the url to my blog. That made me feel better about keeping things from them, and they respected my wishes not to tell them more. Like my oldest daughter said to me: "I don't share everything with you either, mom."
Hope this helps a bit.
Rebel xox
PS: Are you on Twitter? I tweet all posts and would like to credit you there.
Thanks Marie ... for the opportunity to join in with WW and your coming here with words of welcome.
DeleteWe are quite new to all of this, all things considered. I appreciate what you have to say about sharing information with family. I may get to the point you describe in your circumstances at some time in the future - we shall see. And like yours, my hubby isn't bothered by it at all.
No, I'm not (or at least NJ isn't) on Twitter. I made a conscious decision when setting up my NJ alias, to avoid social media accounts ... for a variety of reasons.
Thanks again for your welcome and words of support. I do hope I will have more to contribute to WW in the future ... nj ... xx
nj -- like so many others I know exactly what you are going through.... in my case I kept it secret for years and years (when I was working) Funny story -- eldest daughter approached me with a website she had found -- a BDSM site -- and she openly admitted to being dominant... youngest opened up about having 'kinky sex' in the bedroom. So my girls know a wee bit about my life -- no details -- but they get the idea.
ReplyDeleteOnce I retired -- I didn't much care what folks knew -- though I don't tell them anything they can surmise/speculate all they want -- if they ask questions I will answer but usually edit my answers.
BUT I do get it can be a lonely place to be -- in two worlds...
I know you know, Morningstar :>)) ... I can't imagine the stress I would be feeling if I had to factor in a work environment as well. And yes, that is a great story about both your daughters. It must have felt good to know they able to come to 'Mom' to talk about it all.
DeleteThanks for your supportive comments ... nj ... xx
Hey NJ
ReplyDeleteYou might not feel comfortable with my suggestion, or maybe what I am about to suggest you have already done. If you haven't perhaps it is time to open yourself up more to one person who you have met here. Personally I am not a fan of the term 'behind the blog" but that is what I suppose I am referring to.
Assuming you haven't taken the plunge and brought those two worlds together, this might be something to consider. I understand people need to feel safe in what they are doing, and if you can't that is fine. For me merging my two worlds became natural. I could finally be free of the two mindsets (though not around my siblings etc). My kids have met former bloggers and I their kids. A scary proposition I know. My Mother has asked how I met these people from around the world- usually the answer is friends of a friend. Sometimes my answer to others is similar to Windy's- a Marriage Support Group.
Anyway in sharing my life fully with these other men and women, I became more at ease with myself. I felt authentic and genuine in my dynamic because it wasn't an isolated thing we did behind closed doors never to be spoken about except in print to someone on the other side of a computer, but to someone who knows (almost) ALL of me.
Again I know that isn't the solution for everyone. But in order for me to feel connected to myself and my submission I need to also be connected to others in a deep seated way beyond Barney. Is it risky? The potential for hurt is definitely there, but as far as exposure- in our case it has never been an issue as everyone I have met has the same risk (if not more) as we do.
***
As far as little white lies to those in your immediate area- The way I look at it, somethings people just really wouldn't WANT to know. But there are friends that know I defer to B. I have explained my wearing of dresses more because B prefers them and now I do to (not a lie). Anyway, I have also found there was a time that I did want to share but as this life settled into us there was less of a dividing line and the need or uncomfortableness of this went away- because I just stopped thinking about it so much. D/s isn't always in the forefront of my mind now. It is just something that is (mostly) part of us. Perhaps all you really need is time.
good luck processing
willie
Hi Willie ... Yes, I do have friends from this world that I am able to confide in. That in part is what makes it so difficult. I want to be able to say when talking to my family (in particular my daughter as it is she I am so close with) ... "I was talking to my friend so and so the other day" ... and it's times like that, when I have to check myself, I feel it the most ... thanks again for your input ... nj
DeleteWell tell her you were talking to so and so. Tell her you met her online. That was the point of my comment. It isn't that scary. There are questions at first but they quickly go away. I told my nieces all about many of my friends and confessed that years ago I wanted our marriage to be better and this is how I met these people. That opened up a door to conversations about marriage and " why don't people talk about marriage problems, I thought we were the only ones not doing it right". You might be surprised the conversations you do end up having. ( again the D/s aspect was left out)
DeleteA long time ago, NJ, I wrote a post that came from the same state of mind as you have shared here. I don't think it disturbed me, but it was something I recognized as odd.
ReplyDeleteWhen I first started blogging, I considered the friends I have in my "real" life outside of blogland to be my "real friends." And the friends I made in blogland to be my secret friends. But somewhere along the line my perspective changed. I realized that since the friends I met blogging were the only friends that really knew the real me. Therefore, weren't they my "real" friends? Weren't the ones I had made through work or acting or volunteering or clubs not quite as important to me as they were before? I laughed that this quandary kind of made my head hurt.
Something else that made me realize the shift in who I considered a "real" friend was that when something was bothering me came along, it was my blog friends who I wanted to talk to.
I don't worry about not opening up to our sons anymore. When they would say things like, "I can't believe you and Dad are still so in love," I knew that they didn't care why, they were just glad we were still so happy in our marriage.
You did a great job of explaining this brain buster, my friend. Better than I ever did.
Hugs From Ella
Hi Ella ... thank you my friend ... for letting me know you've been in this place as well. Yes, the ttwd friendships I have developed are very real for me. Besides the fact we are able to share just about anything, I don't have a lot of close female friends or family (other than the daughter I spoke about in my previous response to Willie). My only sister passed away nearly 30 yrs ago. I left many 'girlfriends' behind when we moved away from the city and the couple of women friends I have know here I am barely comfortable bringing up anything that has any type of sexual connotation. You all bring a great deal to my world and for that I am thankful! ...
DeleteAnd yes, I get the son thing ... lol! ... my daughter is the oldest. When she was in high school I knew everything that was going on in her life. When she left and it was my son's turn, it was like a door closed (and it has never opened since :>)). I would ask him some of the same things I would have talked about with my daughter and he would look at me like I had two heads ... "my friends and I don't talk about those kinds of things, Mom ... why would you ask" ... boy, that was an eye opener on gender differentiation ... lol!!
Thanks my friend, for your support ... like many bumps we've run into in the last year and a bit, this is just one more and I will get through it or around it somehow ... hugs! ... nj
Nora Jean,
ReplyDeleteSecond thoughts here..........as Ella has said before, ttwd gives couples a wonderful secret to hold and keep safe. Jack and I treasure our secret and safeguard it dearly. I sense questioning from you and hopefully your next post will sort this out for all of us.
Meredith
I don't think there will be a 'next post' on this topic, Meredith. And yes, I understand how, in some relationships, it can be a lovely secret the couple can cherish. However, in our situation, where we are surrounded by family in one way or another on a regular basis, it becomes a bit more challenging.
Delete... no worries ... I/we will sort it out ... it's just another little bump in the road ... nj
My kids weren't quite grown when we started all this. LJ was eighteen and Mollie only thirteen so, of course we kept the secret. But recently I talked about it to LJ - since he knows what I write, I guess the secret's out. When we talked he told me that he knew 'something' had happened, changed. But he also said that he had never seem me happier - ever, so he was happy with whatever it was.
ReplyDeleteI am able to be more open than most. Because of promoting my books. But before all that I told my sister and my best friend. Both seemed surprised and amused. I'm not suggesting ANYONE out themselves, I'm just saying it might not be as horrible to be found out as you might think. You can always pass it off as a slap and tickle play. I think sharing this secret has made me closer with the friends I've made here.
I remember posts of the past, PK, where LJ was quite curious about what it was you were up to :>)) And yes, I think your role as an established published author would allow you to be more open about it ... and I can see how your longevity in this world would eventually give way to you being more comfortable about it all. Thanks for chiming in with your POV ... much appreciated! ... nj
DeleteNJ - Thank you for sharing so deeply with us all. I too marvel at the fact that we are living a hidden life that nobody who is close to us has any notion of at all; yet there is an entire world of friends in blogland who are privy to the most intimate thoughts and actions of our non-vanilla world.
ReplyDeleteAmy
Thanks, Amy .... it does seem surreal at times. And another thought on all of this ... I think those of us who blog and form relationships with one another within this family circle, often forget there is whole other reader world out there silently observing ... it's not a bad thing ... but it is something I often think of ... nj ... xx
DeleteNJ: a very interesting thought, that is shared by I imagine most spanking bloggers. We live two lives, and I wish we could share this life with others. Cindy has no wish to do so, unless she has chatted via email with the person for quite some time. Letting family and friends know is just too daunting, as sadly, no one talks about sex or kinks. I started my blog (spanked hubby maybe fifteen years ago, and it evolved into consensual spanking, to be able to converse with other people involved with adult spanking. It is a dilemma! Maybe we should plan a get together?
ReplyDeletebottoms up
Red
Hi Red ... I do enjoy sharing with like minded people. Yes, it is the family and friends issue that crops up every once in awhile that was the driver for this post ... and it's not about the sex at all for me. It's the fact I have another life, where I do talk to like minded people and I have to hide those pieces of me away.
DeleteSo you think we should hold a big ol' spanko convention? ... sounds like fun ... lol! however, I think it might add to my dilemma ... I'd have to tell the kids we were going to a 'chicken farmers' convention or something similar ... haha!
... thanks, Red ... you always give us something to smile about ... nj (and Frank)
OH, NoraJean, I went through this. I struggled so much. I wanted the freedom to shout it from the rooftops that I was happy, and why. I wanted to be able to share, and not have to feel I was analysing and guarding everything I said to make sure I didn't slip. And I decided one day, to do something about it. I told one friend, and a few months later, told another. Other people in our lives in person don't know, but, I also share as much as I can about being a submissive wife without getting down into the other details. It's helped, and I feel freer. I make jokes when I can about spanking, lol, like when my church decided to switch from doing cakes for birthdays to something else, and wanted suggestions, I said we should get a spanking paddle and help them celebrate each year. Yep, I still can't believe I did it to this day, but it was received with much laughter. ;) And things like that. I'm sorry you feel so isolated in this in your personal life. {{{HUGS}}}
ReplyDeleteHugs, EsMay
I think time might be my friend in all of this, EsMay ... many of you have been at this for a few years. I am happy for you that you are at a point where it's getting easier to let little bits out here and there, as seems appropriate. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and concern ... nj ... xx
DeleteI think I look at it differently. I have always felt that our ttwd had a strong sexual component to it and being of that nature it’s not something I’d want to share in detail with family. Although we’re also surrounded by very close family and friends, they can’t know everything, and by the same token I don’t want to know everything about them either. As far as friends go I have shared with a couple of close friends who have asked how it is we could be so happy and loving after so many years that the time came when I chose to step back and my guy chose to step up. It’s always my response and the truth that he handles far more than I do in our lives, and I’m thrilled about it. So our decisions etc may be made a little differently than some or most, but we’re both good with it. As far as it being a secret, I share it all with the most important person in my life-my guy, and I relish in those moments when that knowing smile comes to me across the room, or his hand taps my bottom in front of people but the meaning of it is for me only.
ReplyDeleteI think if your children are seeing the beautiful, respectful, and loving relationship between you and Frank then the sharing has been done, what more is there to say.
I hope you find resolve with this, it sounds like this is quite a weight to carry. :)
Hi Laurel ... the strong sexual component I get ... we've had that for over 20 yrs and like I said in my post ... no issues at all keeping that a secret. The struggle is related to me having real life online relationships ... close relationships, and not being able to find a way (or a way that is true and honest and sits well with my heart) to bring those friendships out in the open.
DeleteHaving said all that ... it was a momentary episode, as our posts sometimes are ... I'm not constantly troubled by it. I think it was brought about because I had an extensive sink into Blogland for a few weeks followed by an intensive family time weekend.
Thanks for your thoughts and concerns ... I really am ok now ... nj ... xx
I’m late, as usual, but I do know where you’re coming from, nj. It doesn’t sit well to have to tell half-truths and outright lies to our nearest and dearest in order to commune with our blogging friends. I don’t like the subterfuge but I consider it a small price to pay for the friendship of women with whom I can be my real self. My daughters accepted my explanation of how I met the five Americans I was flying across the Atlantic for a beach holiday with. One of my daughters has met one of my friends, no further questions asked.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes think about the silent readers too, Meredith once wrote a post on that, I think.
Rosie xx
Hi Rosie ... always glad to see you here no matter how late ... I agree ... that's why I continue to carry on ... it's the price to be paid altho' it may be troubling at times, it's worth it. It may be as time goes on, or circumstances change, that it might get easier to consider sharing with my outside world. Thanks for sharing your thoughts! ... nj ... xx
DeleteSorry I am so late in commenting... Wow! I know exactly how you feel. Sorry that it is difficult. I wish sometimes that I could share this with my adult children and friends but they wouldn't understand and that could put our relationships in jeopardy. That is why blogland has become so important to me because here is where I can truly be myself. Thank goodness that I/we have this outlet, it feels less lonely. And that is the thing, you are not alone in this journey. I love your thought process and hope that things settle down.
ReplyDeleteYou're not late, Blondie ... your comments are welcome anytime. Thanks for sharing and thanks for the words of support. All has settled back to normal this week. It was a blip which may return at some point but all is good right now ... nj ... xx
DeleteOmigoodness, I am soooo late to this party, and I wanted to read all the comments before I commented, but then I didn't get through them all and I'm supposed to be fixing dinner for the grands... so. I can imagine how you felt when you wrote this. And I know you don't really need answers on how to handle it. But I will briefly share my experience, for what it's worth. Oh, actually I have a bit to say about this - hmmm, I might need to go blog about it myself. But in the meantime -
ReplyDeleteI ended up inviting people I met in blog world into my vanilla life. One at a time. Over years. I always just explained it as "someone I met online,"which was true as far as it went. I had a vanilla blog I wrote in occasionally, so sometimes I would attribute it to that, but it could just be facebook or something else. There are a whole group of people who I've met irl too, and am totally open about my friendship with them. They know my family and vanilla friends too, and for the most part, are also in the kink closet. For me, that has been a whole new level of community within community. Once upon a time, I had a dream to hold a blogger's convention, but never pulled it off. :(
I know that's not your answer, but if the split continues to poke at you from time to time, I would bet you find a solution. <3
Never too late, Olivia! ... yay! ... dinner with the grands ... I am full on grandsitting this weekend as Mom and Dad away on vacay for a couple of days. They are good boys and we always have a great time together.
DeleteThanks for sharing your experience. I think the key word in yours and several of the other comments here (I am amazed and appreciative about how much everyone had to contribute!) ... is 'time'. I am hoping over time I will either figure out how to put all the pieces of the two worlds together or it will matter less to me that I do.
And yes, do blog about it ... I'd love to hear more of your story ... nj ... xx
I am very glad for the most part I don't have to do that. My kids and family know what I do and about our relationship. It has had its tricky moments but I am glad it is that way and we don't have to hide
ReplyDeleteMolly
Thanks for stopping by, Molly, and adding to the conversation. I might get there one day ... I can well imagine the freedom of not having to hide an important aspect of one's life ... nj
DeleteFor the first several years of my blog, I felt a lot of what you describe here. I hated the duplicity and the feeling of living a double life. Over time (and for a number of my own and very personal reasons) I've become more open with certain people in my life. My non-adult children know that I write about sex, though they know none of the details or my blog name because it's not appropriate for them to know. The two family members I'm closest to know about my blog and the other things I do (to the extent that they're comfortable knowing). I'm definitely not saying that all bloggers should tell people in our lives what we do, but I do think it can be a process for some of us from not telling anyone to slowly, when/if it seems right telling some people. And only if it's right and safe for us to do. The first time I told my mom the barest details of what I do, I was sweating bullets...but for me it was worth no longer feeling like I had to hide an entire side of my life. And it has been a very freeing feeling -- even though, yes, I've definitely dealt with anger, rejection, and much of the negative things I feared from certain family members who think I'm sick for doing this.
ReplyDeleteI in no way mean to say you should tell anyone. Just that, I get those feelings you express at the top completely. And I know the process to tell people is really difficult, too.
Hi Kayla ... thank-you for stopping by to comment. Prior to writing this, I had read your account of your return home from this year's Eroticon ... to have to come home from the high of a successful conference to what awaited your return ... my heart ached for you. I am happy for you that your Mom handled it like only a Mom who loves deeply would.
DeleteI am sure if I ever do get the courage to face this and bring some of this life out into the open, I will wonder afterward why I was so worried about it. The family that I care and worry about, loves me deeply too.
Thanks again for your thoughts ... nj