Tell Me About Dominance and Submission - #6 - Rules
"What Rules do you have and why? What happens if you break a rule and what are the rewards for sticking to them? Perhaps you have elements of DD (domestic discipline) to your relationship and so Rules play a particularly important part. Whether you are Dominant or submissive we would encourage you to share your thoughts and experience on Rules and how they form part of your dynamic, and possibly, your lifestyle."
I have been writing this post off and on for a couple of weeks now ... when I saw the topic my first thought was this one should be a no brainer. We've just been through a year plus of introducing DD to our dynamic which means we have a fairly fresh point of view to the creating and living with rules. However as I started to gather my thoughts I realized the post could take many turns. Every time I'd sit down to write, I found I ended up with snippet of this view or that. I was having trouble pulling it all together ...
I thought I could talk about first dipping our toes into the land of DD and rules, and how I/we felt about it all. However, I've already written that post. It was the second post I put up for this blog after it's creation last year, when rules and the following of rules were the immediate focus of our relationship. The post is called "Colouring Inside the Lines" ...
I also thought I might talk about what it took to move from a no rules life into a Domestic Discipline relationship, a dynamic which is very much about rules, and discipline as the consequence for breaking rules (the discipline in our case, is mostly spanking with the occasional time out). We took our time, did our research which we followed up with talking, negotiating and agreeing. The outcome of that work is a framework which can be found on our "Our DD Agreement" page at the top of this blog ... all still very much a valid part of our life today.
One of the things I am trying to understand now, with our shift to a more D/s focus in our life, is how the rules and consequences might differ in a D/s lifestyle versus a DD lifestyle ... will there be any difference from what we already have in place ... I don't think so other than I suspect Frank may look to add rules that are more sexual in nature. I also don't think there will be any huge difference in consequences. Frank loves to spank and I'm not keen on non erotic spankings so they remain an effective deterrent ...
Top of mind is how my thinking about rules has changed. In some of my reading about D/s lifestyles, two books brought home similar messages ... a person cannot make another person do anything ... the choice to do what is asked, lies within the subjected person. Their options may be limited or expanded, or potential consequences may be imposed, but the ultimate choice to do what is asked still lies with the person who is expected to do the act. I've realized this is a key point for me. We have task type rules put in place at the beginning, which are hardly ever talked about now ... they have become habit for me ... I just do them. However, I have come to realize, as I do them, I am consciously making the choice to do whatever task it is ... I've noticed I am fully aware I am doing the task for Frank, because it's what he has asked of me ... and every time I do each and every one, the doing ignites my submission. Lately, I've also find myself looking to provide service for him ... unasked for service and the doing of that service also brings about a submissive mindset, which I call my submissive heart.
So I had gathered all of these thoughts and was attempting to bring it all together, when, as often happens, Frank tipped things over and in doing so, brought in yet another perspective ...
There was a little incident last week that highlighted a potential dilemma ... 'what happens when your Dominant or HoH decides to implement a rule that you really don't think you can abide by' ...
From early on last year, it became evident there was a little something that Frank wanted to make a rule but didn't only because he knows I have strong negative feelings about it. He still has not gone there ... as yet ... but I am sure it is only a matter of time. In the big scheme of things, it really shouldn't be a big deal ... but for me it is ... Frank likes me to have polished finger nails ... yeah, yeah ... I can see the eye rolls ... really, Nora Jean ... what is the big deal about that. However, as I talked about it in another very early on post last year, called "Not a Girly Girl", it's not something I've done throughout my life and therefore my proficiency in doing so is somewhat lacking. I was able to convince Frank to do it for me the last time he 'requested' my nails be done ... which I talked about in the post "Whining". However, he has since informed me that won't be happening again, saying "you should be able do it yourself ... other women don't seem to have an issue doing their nails" but he hasn't made a 'do your nails' request since that time, until the other day ...
I was just out of the bath when he came into the bathroom and instructed ...
"Sit on the edge of the tub, spread your legs and put your hands on your knees like this" ... his extended his hands palms down.
I complied ... waiting, watching. He leaned back against the vanity and crossed his arms across his chest and looked intently at me. When he crosses his arms over his chest? ... that's a Frank 'tell' ... it means pay attention and listen ... I waited for what he had to say ...
"I know you have a busy day tomorrow and most likely the next day as well" ... his eyes swept over my hands and down to to my feet and back up ...
... he continued to speak ...
"On Friday you should have some free time ... I want you to do your nails, and your toes need doing as well"
My inner self sagged a bit ...
"And if you don't do it ... I will spank you"
My inner self perked up and almost had me chiming ... "I'll take the spanking" ... when he added ...
"Fifty on each cheek with the bath brush"
Fucking hell! ... not at all something I could manage ... so I replied as he expected ...
"Yes, Sir"
"Friday by bedtime" ... he gave me one last look and departed with a "you can get dressed" ...
For the procrastinator in me, Friday seemed a long way off but before I knew it, Friday's supper was over and the evening was ahead of us. Frank settled in for some tv ... I headed off to get 'it' done and over with.
The pedi part ... not an issue ... done and done. My left hand - passable ... my right hand - now the frustration sets in. It is said, building enough muscle memory to become proficient at something takes 10,000 hours of practice ... I don't have enough nail painting hours left in my lifetime to be able to get any better at doing right hand nails with my left hand. By the end, I was in a 'don't give a shit what it looks like' frame of mind. I put away all the 'gear' ... and headed back out to the living room and Frank. Fingers akimbo with drying nails, I flopped into my easy chair beside him. He glanced over ...
"What's wrong, NJ" ...
"Nothing"
"Really? ..."
"I'm fine" ... yeah, the classic female answer for 'piss off and leave me alone' ...
"I don't think so, and I'm not going to ask you again" (yes, being open and honest IS one of our rules which falls under the Honesty principle)
My temper flared, any hint of submission now out the window ...
"I fucking hate having to do my nails ... you know it and I don't understand why you continue to ask me to do it" ...
Silence .... and he didn't even turn to look at me ...
I tried to turn my attention to the tv but after 15 minutes of no further talk or discussion, my guilt at being an ass got the better of me. I crawled into his lap, put my head in his shoulder and apologized. He patted my back, gave me a kiss and still said nothing. I went back to my own chair and nothing more was mentioned the rest of the evening.
When we went to bed, I was laying on my side as usual, waiting for him to get in and cuddle up for the usual spoon behind me. Instead I heard as he got into bed ...
"Turn around and look at me" ... I did. He had his head propped up on his hand and looking down at me, continued ...
"I know you don't like doing your nails. I knew you were not going to be happy about doing them. However, it was for me. It was me asking you to do something for me. I didn't care how they looked ... just having you do it, for me, was the important part. However, that aside ... you know what I am upset about now ..."
At this point I might have said "just spank me" ...
"I'm not going to spank you ... when I ask you what is bothering you, we talk ... you don't push me away ... do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir" ... and with that we were soon snuggled in for the night.
Next morning I was making the bed when Frank came over to me. He gestured for my hands, taking both of mine in his and examined my nails.
"Very pretty ... I love it when you have pretty nails"
Sigh! ... sometimes I just can't let things be ... because before I could check myself, out came ...
"Not only are you deaf, you are blind as well ... they look like crap!" ...
And with that ... Frank, his hand and my ass had a very long conversation, with me as an active listener. The lecture from the night before, along with some additional thoughts around disrespect and our agreement, were the main focus. When he was done, I was definitely done. He uprighted me, pulled me in for a hug and kiss (one of the best outcomes of a DD type discipline spanking is when it is over, all is forgiven and the guilt disappears with the glow of your bum) ... and said ...
"I'm not making you keeping your nails done a rule ... however, should you ever want to do something special for me, do your nails. You will make me a very happy man"
... cue squishy submissive heart ...
... I still think it's going to become a rule ... now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with it when it does ...
There was a little incident last week that highlighted a potential dilemma ... 'what happens when your Dominant or HoH decides to implement a rule that you really don't think you can abide by' ...
From early on last year, it became evident there was a little something that Frank wanted to make a rule but didn't only because he knows I have strong negative feelings about it. He still has not gone there ... as yet ... but I am sure it is only a matter of time. In the big scheme of things, it really shouldn't be a big deal ... but for me it is ... Frank likes me to have polished finger nails ... yeah, yeah ... I can see the eye rolls ... really, Nora Jean ... what is the big deal about that. However, as I talked about it in another very early on post last year, called "Not a Girly Girl", it's not something I've done throughout my life and therefore my proficiency in doing so is somewhat lacking. I was able to convince Frank to do it for me the last time he 'requested' my nails be done ... which I talked about in the post "Whining". However, he has since informed me that won't be happening again, saying "you should be able do it yourself ... other women don't seem to have an issue doing their nails" but he hasn't made a 'do your nails' request since that time, until the other day ...
I was just out of the bath when he came into the bathroom and instructed ...
"Sit on the edge of the tub, spread your legs and put your hands on your knees like this" ... his extended his hands palms down.
I complied ... waiting, watching. He leaned back against the vanity and crossed his arms across his chest and looked intently at me. When he crosses his arms over his chest? ... that's a Frank 'tell' ... it means pay attention and listen ... I waited for what he had to say ...
"I know you have a busy day tomorrow and most likely the next day as well" ... his eyes swept over my hands and down to to my feet and back up ...
... he continued to speak ...
"On Friday you should have some free time ... I want you to do your nails, and your toes need doing as well"
My inner self sagged a bit ...
"And if you don't do it ... I will spank you"
My inner self perked up and almost had me chiming ... "I'll take the spanking" ... when he added ...
"Fifty on each cheek with the bath brush"
Fucking hell! ... not at all something I could manage ... so I replied as he expected ...
"Yes, Sir"
"Friday by bedtime" ... he gave me one last look and departed with a "you can get dressed" ...
For the procrastinator in me, Friday seemed a long way off but before I knew it, Friday's supper was over and the evening was ahead of us. Frank settled in for some tv ... I headed off to get 'it' done and over with.
The pedi part ... not an issue ... done and done. My left hand - passable ... my right hand - now the frustration sets in. It is said, building enough muscle memory to become proficient at something takes 10,000 hours of practice ... I don't have enough nail painting hours left in my lifetime to be able to get any better at doing right hand nails with my left hand. By the end, I was in a 'don't give a shit what it looks like' frame of mind. I put away all the 'gear' ... and headed back out to the living room and Frank. Fingers akimbo with drying nails, I flopped into my easy chair beside him. He glanced over ...
"What's wrong, NJ" ...
"Nothing"
"Really? ..."
"I'm fine" ... yeah, the classic female answer for 'piss off and leave me alone' ...
"I don't think so, and I'm not going to ask you again" (yes, being open and honest IS one of our rules which falls under the Honesty principle)
My temper flared, any hint of submission now out the window ...
"I fucking hate having to do my nails ... you know it and I don't understand why you continue to ask me to do it" ...
Silence .... and he didn't even turn to look at me ...
I tried to turn my attention to the tv but after 15 minutes of no further talk or discussion, my guilt at being an ass got the better of me. I crawled into his lap, put my head in his shoulder and apologized. He patted my back, gave me a kiss and still said nothing. I went back to my own chair and nothing more was mentioned the rest of the evening.
When we went to bed, I was laying on my side as usual, waiting for him to get in and cuddle up for the usual spoon behind me. Instead I heard as he got into bed ...
"Turn around and look at me" ... I did. He had his head propped up on his hand and looking down at me, continued ...
"I know you don't like doing your nails. I knew you were not going to be happy about doing them. However, it was for me. It was me asking you to do something for me. I didn't care how they looked ... just having you do it, for me, was the important part. However, that aside ... you know what I am upset about now ..."
At this point I might have said "just spank me" ...
"I'm not going to spank you ... when I ask you what is bothering you, we talk ... you don't push me away ... do you understand?"
"Yes, Sir" ... and with that we were soon snuggled in for the night.
Next morning I was making the bed when Frank came over to me. He gestured for my hands, taking both of mine in his and examined my nails.
"Very pretty ... I love it when you have pretty nails"
Sigh! ... sometimes I just can't let things be ... because before I could check myself, out came ...
"Not only are you deaf, you are blind as well ... they look like crap!" ...
And with that ... Frank, his hand and my ass had a very long conversation, with me as an active listener. The lecture from the night before, along with some additional thoughts around disrespect and our agreement, were the main focus. When he was done, I was definitely done. He uprighted me, pulled me in for a hug and kiss (one of the best outcomes of a DD type discipline spanking is when it is over, all is forgiven and the guilt disappears with the glow of your bum) ... and said ...
"I'm not making you keeping your nails done a rule ... however, should you ever want to do something special for me, do your nails. You will make me a very happy man"
... cue squishy submissive heart ...
... I still think it's going to become a rule ... now I have to figure out how I am going to deal with it when it does ...
💞
... this was a long one ... thanks for dropping by ... and sticking with it to the end 😊 ... nj
Hi NJ,
ReplyDeleteVery interesting writing prompt topics and I have enjoyed reading your perspective.
It's interesting how rules within ttwd work differently depending on the kind of ttwd dynamic in play and how they may change, or the importance or focus on them may change if the dynamic changes.
I can relate to rules becoming habit as acts of service and I love your point about having the choice to do what is asked. Very true.
Wow, it sounds like Frank is really embracing his role. I remember your previous posts about polishing nails and Frank doing them for you. I struggle too and always think they look like crap lol. As Frank said, it wasn't about the nails per sec (I loved that btw).
Love how this ended :)
Hugs
Roz
Hi Roz ... it's been fun having 'writing assignments' ... it's certainly making me think :>)) I will most likely do more but only when I find topics that appeal to me.
DeleteThe service side of submission is not something I had even remotely thought about until my recent realizations. I used to be a 'don't ask me to it do it for you' type of person. Frank is not at all demanding so me doing little things for him here and there (apart from my nails :>)) has given him a little zing as well :>))
Glad you liked 'the story' part of it ... hugs! ... nj
I can so identify with this...I never did my nails...M is right in there with Frank....only difference is...M has not made it a rule. Altho, after reading this, I am now thinking...maybe I should surprise Him....(only then I wonder..will He expect it to stay??)....Still thinking on it...and I love the end of the entry....your man knows you well..hugs abby
ReplyDeleteBe careful, Abby ... lol! ... don't start something you're not sure of because you know M will make you finish ... and/or carry on with it, until the end of time :>)) ... and yes, Frank does know me well ... hugs! ... nj
DeleteWhen I read this I wished we lived closer cause I would so do your nails for you!! I do my nails every week. I do NOT do my toe nails though -- hate my feet and hate doing them.... weird eh??
ReplyDeleteAnyway your post got me thinking about what Sir Steve likes and I ignore / don't like. It didn't take long to draw a parallel...... Sir Steve HATES my winter crocs (fur lined I might add). He prefers me to wear my knee high leather boots. Truthfully I haven't given it much thought till this spring.
I got dressed to go out with him one day and came out wearing my leather hiking boots. He said "WOW sexy!" I actually had to ask what's sexy? He said the boots. That's when it hit me how much he likes boots and how often I don't wear them. It's such a simple thing really to do to please him...... I'm trying to be more mindful now... I want to 'look good / sexy' for him -- so my shoe horn is close at hand and the hiking boots are being worn more often.
Good luck on the polished nails..... maybe it would help to know it makes Frank happy -- turns his crank so to speak??
Hi Morningstar ... I usually get a professional pedi done fairly regularly. However, with finger nails, I have crap nails and work part time in an environment that is not at all nail friendly. I also detest chipped nails, all of which means, even if I have my nails done for me ... it is inevitably coming off within a day or so.
DeleteI think you should invest in more boots ... next winter :>)) I have become more mindful about what I wear, much of it due to Frank's wants ... I wear skirts and dresses more often. I rarely go to town without 'fluffing' a bit :>)) He appreciates it all and makes sure I know it. So yes, it does make a difference to go the extra mile for your man. I just have this one thing I can't seem to do ... and yes, I am trying to figure out what a compromise might look like :>)) ... nj ... xx
Lately you have written some very thought-provoking posts, NJ. I absolutely love the term "submissive heart." It is a perfect way to describe that warm feeling so well. I am so impressed that your dominant Frank simply did not make the nails thing a rule. You will learn so much more about being submissive if you grow into doing it because you want to.
ReplyDeleteI believe just saying "Yes, sir" helps me think about how to please Sam. There are certain clothes that I know he likes, and I seem to wear them more often. But I could definitely do with thinking about it more often.
I never painted my nails until they started splitting. Then it became necessary, and I improved slowly. You will too, I think, depending on what you decide to do.
Hugs From Ella
Hi Ella ... when we first started, saying 'Sir', seemed so odd. Now it's become second nature ... but in a good way. And yes, the submission side of me is growing and I'm amazed at how good and right it feels.
DeleteIt makes me happy you saying my recent posts are thought provoking. I am enjoying digging a bit deeper and I'm glad it shows ...
I will keep your 'practice makes perfect' nail thought in mind as I prepare for the inevitable :>)) ... hugs! ... nj
NJ, I’m going to ignore the other issues raised in this post and jump straight to the nail painting; just call me shallow! You mention all the ‘gear’ so I’m assuming you have the base coat and top coat that help with the longevity of the paint job. You also say your efforts result in a crap finish, so I wonder whether that is because you paint ‘outside the lines’ and get the varnish on your fingers? Well, I’m just as crap at that and have never found a correction pen that works. My modus operandum is to do the paint job within two hours of bedtime, giving plenty of time for the varnish to harden. The next morning I remove the excess from the fingers with a soft nail brush, leaving a perfect job on the nails. I can usually make the job last a week with care but that may not be possible in your nail unfriendly environment. Perhaps you could compromise by wearing varnish at weekends and/or high days and holidays to keep the bath brush at bay...
ReplyDeleteI’ve had to cut my nails short because they’re going through a brittle phase but a bottle of Rouge Noir is awaiting their recovery!
Rosie xx
Haha! ... I just knew you'd come through, Rosie ... When I wrote this I was remembering Harry's description in the Fantasy Friday piece he wrote (maybe it was FF?? or??) and his description of your lovely red nails ...
DeleteI will take your advice to heart the next time I decide to do 'something special' for Frank ... and yes, good suggestions .. I have been considering certain days of the week as a compromise ... big hugs!! .. nj
Um, am I the only person who gets my nails done? I never could do them myself - toes, yes, nails looked like crap. Pedi-mani is a lovely treat. If you don't mind gel polish, you can have them last two weeks. Does he need you to have done them yourself?
ReplyDeleteHey Olivia ... I get a pedi fairly regularly ... my challenge is even professionally done nails don't last ... altho' I haven't tried gel. If it would last, I'm sure Frank wouldn't object. However, I figure the maintenance plan is already expensive enough with what I do have done almost monthly, I'm not adding $100 a month for nails :>)) I'm going with Rosie's suggestion the next time an order ... er 'request' is issued :>)) ... nj ... xx
DeleteI love this post NJ and the way that you illustrate your relationship. I will go and check out the posts you have linked as I am interested to know more about your DD side, having always been a D/s-er.
ReplyDeleteFirst the nails as this is something that I am also asked to do. It has helped me using gel polish. Initially I had them done at a nail bar each two weeks but to save money I bought ‘the gear’ and now do it myself. Because you don’t go right up to the edge and can remove mistakes before it cures I have found it so much easier than traditional polish. No drying time, lasts for two weeks etc. My toe nails will last forever so they are pretty much done and left. It is a bit more of a pain to remove and I explained to HL that it was better to miss a couple of weeks every third or fourth time to give my nails time ‘au naturel’ but he appreciates it when I do it. He likes to see painted nails against his cock so this is something he will ask for once they are done.
I understand what you are saying about service and the part that plays too. I read a great book called
‘Real Service’ by Joshua Tenpenny and Raven Kaldera, and this actually changed the way I thought about service and my attitude to being told what to do and made things a lot easier for me. Kudos to Frank for sticking his ground when you pushed back too. I laughed at the similarities between us and I know that HL can find my response off-putting so Frank’s response was the sort which would work for me too. I think that punishing is part in the moment but the communication around it, done in a more gentle way, actually allows me to shift my thinking and make longer term changes.
I know you don’t want another rule but I have one which says mustn’t say anything negative about myself and must accept compliments with the good grace in which they were intended. This has actually allowed me to start seeing myself more in the way that he sees me and more as his submissive. Perhaps it makes me less responsible for the things I am uncomfortable with, whether that is shit nails or a flabby stomach.
Sorry for such a long comment but your post has been good food for thought 😊 missy xx
Hi Missy ... thank-you for your thoughtful, sharing comment ... between you, Olivia and Rosie ... I think I have many new insights into 'doing your nails' strategies ... ones I can work with. Gel it is then ... and doing them before bed and letting them 'cure' over night ... but unfortunately Frank reads here ... and all of it will be giving him 'ideas' as well ... lol!
DeleteI do have the book 'Real Service' ... but haven't read the entire book as I am swapping back and forth between a few books right now ... all of the non fiction D/s genre. I never thought of myself as someone who could give service ... it was the furthest thing from any thought I had when it came to D/s. I have read about 'service subs' and thought ... no, not for me. However, with the little charge that comes with doing something unasked for someone else, it's pulling me in.
And yes, I do have the same rule as you mentioned ... maybe not an exact rule per se but overall, under our principle of 'Respect' is included 'self respect' ... this is probably one of the things Frank is most intolerant of. As I've aged, I've become more self critical ... and he isn't having any of it :>) ... and there is probably a post or two out there about it :>) ... and you're right ... part of it should also include the ability to be gracious about accepting compliments.
I love it when there is good conversation after a post ... thanks again for your participation ... nj ... xx
I am not into 'doing' nails, but I like to wear sandals in the summer, and so I go for regular pedicures in the warmer months.
ReplyDeleteNail polish and associated kit is generally terrible for the environment (acetone and other chemicals), so I try to be mindful about having my toes painted. The lotioning and foot massage that go along with a pedi, though... HEAVENLY. :)
Hi Mrs F ... I agree ... a pedi is the ultimate in self pampering! ... re the environmental factors ... I am sure you are right. I will keep that in mind next time I have to 'negotiate no' :>)) ... thanks for dropping by! ... nj
Deletelovely post about submission of the heart. we have no rules here. but I do find myself doing things just because I know it makes my man happy. as for nail painting, I love getting dressed up as most days I am very casual due to my teaching job; however, I rarely paint my nails and when I do it is usually always with clear nail polish. It usually always chips before 24 hours and then I just end up peeling it all off. I do like to paint my toes from time to time as I love being barefoot and in sandals during the warmer months and getting a pedicure is real treat though I do not do that very often. thanks for sharing hugs
ReplyDelete