A Reset?

I think I've mentioned in a previous post I would never have been a good nurse. Frank has had more than his share of health issues over the years, including two serious illnesses. For the less serious health issues, I was rarely a good caregiver, either letting him fend for himself or helping out begrudgingly. When he had the second serious illness in 2015, it turned my thinking upside down, as I truly thought I might lose him. I have since done my utmost ... and more again, since ttwd ... to make sure he stays healthy and feels cared for. 

So why am I blabbering on about this again? ... the other day we were on the deck, having our late afternoon sit down ... where we share a glass of wine, a chat, catch up on our day and sometimes, read 'the blogs'. What exactly Frank said is a blur but I can give you the gist of it ... a blogger had written about having surgery and how her HoH wasn't stepping up to the mark re caring for her. Frank's words went something like this ... 

"Did you read this?" ... he mentions the blog ... 

Me ... "yup", 

Frank ...  "that guy sounds just like you", <grin>

Whump!! ... my heart imploded ... and a roil of emotions blew through me. I couldn't believe what I just heard! Without saying a word, I gathered my iPad, my wine glass, got out of my chair, turned  on my heel and left for the kitchen to return my glass. .... How could he say that?! ... I have been trying so hard!

"Nora Jean ... get ... back ... here" .... that was his "no nonsense" voice speaking ... 

... by the time I reached the sink, I was trembling all over ... 

"Nora Jee-ean? .... don't walk away" ... the lift in his voice at the end of 'Jean' made it a two syllable word

"You need talk to me, Babygirl" ... now he's on the move ... 

I can't talk ... I can barely breathe .... How could he say that?! How could he say that?! ... the phrase was on repeat in my brain as I leaned over the sink

He came up behind me, pulling me back into him ... "I'm sorry, I'm sorry ... it was a joke ... I didn't mean it the way it sounded" 

I turned into him ... "I try very hard to take good care of you .... I know I didn't before but I have been trying to not be that person any more" ... by now I am crying 

"You do take very good care of me, you do and I know and see it. I might not be here without you" ... he is speaking softly, stroking my hair, wiping my tears ... "I was talking about before, not now" 

"I feel so guilty about how I was before ... and I've tried so hard since ... What you said didn't sound like before. It sounded like you were talking about now and that hurt, really hurt" 

"I am very sorry ... I didn't mean that way" ... he's holding my face in his hands ... "Look at me" ... making sure my eyes are on his, he repeats ... "Look at me ... I'm sorry" .... he pulls me in and holds me close, rubbing my back for a minute or two 

Then pulling back he is holding my face again .... "something else is going on ... you've been on edge all day ... you need to tell me what it is"

"I hate going away without you" ... I am leaving in the morning for a down one day, back the next, trip to the city for an appointment. It's not the type of trip I like to take at the best of times, less so on my own, so I have been fussed about it all day, snappish  and out of sorts. 

"I know you do ... and I hate having to stay here without you. It'll be quick. You'll be back home before you know it" ... he pulls me back in ... "Are we good?"

I nod into his shoulder

After a moment, he breaks away, grabbing my hand and tugging ... "I need this and so do you" ... he is pulling me towards and then into the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

"Pants down" ... I comply pushing down my jeans and panties ...

"All the way off", he says. I kick them off ...

"Arms up" ... he has my tee and bra off all in one move, then his hand is at the back of my neck, pushing me down into and over the side of the bed ... "spread your legs" ... 

Smack! ... his hand lands hard on my right cheek ... then my left - Smack! ... and Smack! Smack!, a repeat of the same ... 

And then I hear the buckle clink ... lately his old belt has taken up residence on his side table, innocuously looped as if dropped there. I get to pass by it every time I go into the bedroom. 

It is a new favourite ... for both of us ... although, when he puts some weight behind it, he has me dancing. And dancing is soon what I'm doing now. 

When he's done ... and I don't know how many or how long but I do know it hurt like hell! ... he pulls me back up and into his arms and repeats softly  ... "are we good?" 

"Yes", I whisper ...

Later we talk ... we agree, in the past, what happened would have meant a big blowup, followed by a 'who knows how long' period of anger and silence. This time we dealt with it, in the here and now, clearing the air of our immediate differences and for me, erasing the guilt for past behaviours I now knew I'd been holding onto.

This was a first for us ... I am guessing it was what all you more experienced folks out there call 'a reset' ... a most appropriate term