Translate

Saturday 14 July 2018

Introspection ... Six Months Into Our Journey

Most of my latest posts have been fun little stories ... I hope you've enjoyed them. Now it's time to get a bit more serious. We are at a point where I think an update on our ttwd journey is due.


Here's a bit of a recap, in case you are recent to reading this blog ... the main reason we ventured down this ttwd road six months ago was a desire to see if practising a DD lifestyle would enable us to bring our long time bedroom D/s dynamic into our mainstream life. For 20 years we have had some form of the D/s dynamic as a regular part our love/sex life. It wasn't an always thing ... 2-3 times a month one or the other of us would need it and it would happen. It retrospect I might call it a D/s lite type of dynamic. Other times we were strictly vanilla. Frank would often push for us to practice more, especially outside the bedroom, but mentally I was just not able to go there. When I brought DD to him, he was immediately on board to give it a try. 


When Fledgling HoH Meets Bedroom Dom ... 


This was the original title to this post when it was started a while ago. We were only in ttwd land a few months. Although we are retired and it's just the two of us living in our house, we are surrounded with family ... kids with keys being the biggest issue, along with cousins as neighbours and other neighbours who often drop by. It makes us a little bit cautious about taking openly ttwd/D/s activities out of the privacy of our bedroom. A perfect opportunity arose where I knew we would be entirely alone for an evening. Frank was 'in town' for a bit so I took the time to have a bath, mow the lawn (ok, a bit of humour :>)), put on an attire that I knew would get his attention (short skirt, crop top, knee highs, hair in a pony tail). I greeted him at the top of the stairs when he got home. He grinned and the night was on. I had appies and wine laid out at the dining table, a favourite dinner in the making and toys were laid out in the bedroom. We talked ttwd talk, ate and laughed ... then he  would point me in the direction of bedroom and Dom Frank would take over and we'd play as we have for many years. Then we'd head back out to the dining room, talk again over food, etc and then again, back to the bedroom for another interlude. At one point, in the back and forth, I laughed and said ... "Hi there Mr HoH ... meet Mr Dom" ... because there were subtle differences between the two personalities. The HoH Frank was less sure of himself. However, Dom Frank was as confident as he'd been for years. 

Fast forward to now ... 


As of now, Frank has undergone a mindmeld of those two personalities and  Dom Frank has definitely come out on top. There are times when some of our discussions or his Domly directives have me doing a double take ... like 'where the hell did that come from'! because I know he's not reading 'How to be a Dom' books. He's a learn by doing guy not a learn by reading. Yes, he has been doing Domly things in the bedroom for years but the way he now acts and responds in every day life is new. I asked him the other day where it's coming from. His response ... he thinks it's always been there ... just stuffed down inside because in his words, "if I'd tried any of this way back when, you'd have just told me to eff off" ... yes, he's right, I would have :>)

I am a life long learner and book worm so I have not been sitting idly by waiting for our ttwd D/s to evolve. I've been reading 'back in blogs' of those whose kink is obviously a D/s lifestyle (our Abby at finally finding "me" is one). Recently, I've also read a couple of books ... one as a result of an interview Jlynne did with Anton Fulmen and published in her blog "Becoming His: Our Journey into a D/s Dynamic". To read the interview go here. Anton's book The Heart of Dominance is intended for Dominants but enlightening for submissives as well. 





From the resource section in that book I found Conquer Me by Kacie Cunningham, written for submissives. 





I am not planning on putting either of these books under Frank's pillow but I am currently doing a reread of both with my yellow highlighter in hand and will share the bits and pieces with him I think he might find interesting or I would like him to become interested in :>)

All of my reading and research has been enlightening. However the biggest impact for me have been three nuggets I found within Abby's blog. Nuggets that have really turned my thinking on its head ... and just so you know, Abby and her M have been practicing their D/s lifestyle for 16 years and she has been writing about it for 8 of those 16 years so there is a lot of experience in that blog! The nuggets are as follows:

obedience is not necessarily submission ... if you are a singer and someone directs you to 'sing a song', you could do it off key, in a soft voice that is barely heard, facing away from your audience and all that action could be seen as obeying the directive OR you could put your whole heart and voice into your song and as you can well imagine, the results will be very different. Submission comes from within. Obedience is an externally driven response.

the more submissive the submissive is, the more dominant the Dominant will become ... which then in turn feeds back to the submissive. It is definitely a dance (a reference I read in the two books numerous times). If I look closely at our previous D/s experience, I see my then self as a passive submissive, expecting Frank to 'do his dominance thing' to me as the recipient. I now see that the submissive must be an active participant in that dance. As a result I am trying very hard to approach our new dynamic with what I am calling my 'submissive heart', looking for opportunities to demonstrate my submissiveness to and for Frank. He has noticed my efforts and I in turn have noted an increase in his dominance.  

And from Abby's M, two key words ... follow through and consistency ... these words were also mentioned considerably in the two books I read as well. The key message for the Dominant being he/she needs to consistently follow through with enforcement of agreed to (negotiated) rules and expectations.

So this is where we are six months into our ttwd journey ... not long ago I wrote a comment in response to Windy's (When the Storm Whispers to the Wind) post about the ideal ttwd town with the ice cream named streets. I said then we were living at the corner of French Vanilla and Rocky Road. Well now I can tell you ... we are looking at a little two storey further up the hill on Rocky Road, with a Moose Tracks cottage in the back for my studio ... and a dungeon in the basement ... interesting times they are ahead!

thanks as always for dropping by ... nj 

22 comments:

  1. What a wonderful post NJ, a great reflection on how your dynamic has changed and those nuggets are golden lol. Definitely true!

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Roz! ... Hope all is well with the new job and all ... hugs ... nj

      Delete
  2. NJ,
    Storm and I will visit you at your new place on Rocky Road as long as you leave the lights on and don't jump out of some dark corner and scare us. hahaha

    I loved reading about your journey. You did a great job with the background information and what nuggets you have discovered at Abby's place. Those nuggets work well in the French Vanilla house, too, as you know. I like when you refer to your "submissive heart" because that is what I see you working on and how it affects your mindset. Isn't it so interesting that even thinking or reading about being more submissive helps us feel and act more submissive almost naturally? I have felt that and love it when it happens.
    I am very happy for you and Frank making your way to what makes you both feel comfortable.... or is it uncomfortable? haha Seriously, great job on exploring yourselves and discovering new things and new ways with each other. Hugs! Windy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Windy ... we'll leave all the lights on if you wish but that might be scarier! :))

      I appreciate that you understand where I'm coming from and I'm happy to hear you're feeling it too. ... hugs! ... nj

      Delete
  3. Well, that's a great piece from a reflection point of view. I'm glad that you're highlighting stuff and maybe sharing the meaningful bits with Frank. I often copy and paste sections of things I read online to BIKSS as well, and that gets a discussion going.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Fondles ... any way we can find to share info with our SO is good. Some guys are into doing their own reading and research. For others, the same gene that has them refusing to read instruction manuals or ask for driving directions, gets in the way ;)) ... nj

      Delete
  4. NJ I loved reading your post, especially about your "submissive heart" mindset. You are so right about active submission in all forms (physical, emotional, and mental combined) creating an atmosphere where our Dominants can embrace their leadership roles. There are so many nuggets of wisdom within this reflection I have to reread it so I may comment again later.
    On another note- I have also had 'Conquer Me' TBR list. I have even looked for contact information for the author to interview her but found none- if anyone esle happends upon an email address I'd be interested in contacting her for an interview.
    Anyhow, great post and reflection. I look forward to hearing how things advance for you two.
    Hugs,
    Jlynne

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ... and thank you Jlynne for interview with Anton and the book mention. I may not have found either book without it. nj

      Delete
  5. NJ,
    Wow! That is one long, interesting post! This thing we do is always evolving and things are really spinning up your way. The bottom line (pun intended) is in our communication which does bring you closer.
    Great post and only six months in!!
    Meredith

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Meredith ... things are moving along. I'll pop a short post up very once in awhile, just for you, 'cause I know you like them that way ;)) .... nj

      Delete
  6. Hey NJ, What a great place to be at six months! You've obviously done your research well and that is so helpful when figuring out the version of ttwd that works best for you as a couple. If there is one thing Eric has down, its when he says he is going to do something, he does it. For example, one day he told me he was going to give me ten with his belt. I was freaking out about this and that and it just wasn't going well. So, he stopped and we talked, I had some corner time, I got a hand spanking. All ended well, or so I thought. Then he says, "time to finish" and went back to his original plan. He's kind of reliable that way. :0
    Amy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Amy! ... yes, it's is indeed noticeable in your blog that Eric has the follow though and consistency points down pat ;) ... nj

      Delete
  7. What a lovely post, NJ. I'm so glad things are going well for you as you move forward and deeper into the experience. I know exactly what you mean about acting from your "submissive heart" - and it reminds me that I have not been very open in that way with my Sir as we reboot over here. What an important reminder. Sending love...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Happy to hear this was a reminder for you, Olivia ... Hope all continues to towel with your reboot with your Sir ... nj ... xx

      Delete
  8. Hi Nora Jean, what a lovely post, so glad things are going well for you both
    love Jan, xx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Nora Jean,
    I loved this little report card at your 6 month mark. It is perfect to look back at how you both have grown and then at what will come next. TTWD is never stagnant and changes just as much at 4 years in as it does at 6 months.

    You have also credited the other bloggers that touch yours and Frank's growth. Plan to pick up some of the reading you mention. Of course, I cannot thank you enough for the book you recommended to us already.

    Many Hugs,
    Ela

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Ella, It's pretty amazing how things move along and evolve. I am sensing some evolution with you and Sam as well? I hope you find the reading as interesting as I did. Hugs! ... nj

      Delete
  10. We have read both of those books. Years and years ago I did a book review on Conquer Me. We had sort of like a book club going on in a subs group I was in. I found it very enlightening. I would read a chapter and underline in one colour and then B would read it and underline in his. After we would talk ( I also used some highlighted areas to write posts or pose questions).

    I remember years ago thinking, " oh this portion is not for me..." LOL. Only to live it years later.

    Happy you found areas in which to potentially discover parts of yourself or areas of your life.

    willie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Willie ... that is a great idea on sharing reading info ... it would certainly lead to livelier discussions! :) ... nj

      Delete
  11. NJ, thank you for sharing your progress with us. You’ve come a long way in six months. I was interested to hear that Frank feels his Domly actions have always been with him but were hidden until recently. I was stunned by the change in Harry and wondered where on Earth some of the things he did or said came from - and so naturally too, coming from a former spank-no! I have a theory that the HoH manual is embedded in men’s brains, lying dormant until awakened by the need to lead effectively. Okay, that’s tosh, but I have no other explanation so I’m sticking with it!
    Rosie xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Rosie ... do you remember Ella posting a guest post written by her Sam about the 'lizard brain' ... that's where I think the HoH/Dom genes are firmly embedded ... maybe we should ask Ella to repost it on a TBT ... Ella? ... nj ... xx

      Delete