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Sunday 7 April 2019

May I have a word ...



Frank and I grew our BDSM kink (emphasis on D/s) along with our longtime relationship. In the beginning, we read all the books available at the time (or more like I read and then talked to Frank about it all :>)) and yes, they all recommended safewords. However, with our naivete, and no easily accessible, supportive community to consult with, we didn't see a reason to go that route. As we saw it, safewords were for the other people - the hardcore kinky lifestyle people with contracts and such. For us, it wasn't a lifestyle. It was bedroom kink. We thought because we were open and honest in our communication and knew that anything could be stopped by one or the other at any time, all would be ok. However, as we gained experience and became older and wiser, a safeword was put in place. As I was writing this, I talked to Frank about it (because he has the better long term memory :>)) ... and neither of us recall it ever being used. 

We adopted a stoplight (red, yellow, green) safeword strategy when we discovered and entered into a DD (Domestic Discipline) lifestyle ... why? because we were moving into uncharted territory. Yes, impact play has always been a part of what we do, but that only happens after I reach some level of sexual excitement. With a DD relationship, we realized there would be times when Frank would be spanking me when I was not aroused at all ... and initially, he would be doing so without any knowledge of my non aroused pain thresholds. He didn't want to 'hurt' me. He also wanted a way to gauge how I was doing. We soon discovered, while I do have a very high pain threshold when sexually aroused, it is much lower when I am not - yes, at those times, I can be a whiny sub :>)).

Since we began practicing a DD lifestyle a little over a year ago, we have only used Red twice and neither instance was any type of dramatic circumstance. The first time was during a spanking where I absolutely could not get my head in the game ... I had been feeling disconnected from the DD relationship and Frank was spanking for reset purposes. However, for the life of me, I could not submit and my mind went to 'just get me the hell out of here. I can't do this' and I called 'Red'. The second occurrence was when Frank was having to deliver a discipline spanking (as posted here). He does not spank in anger so although his moment of anger had passed, he was still greatly disappointed with my behaviour and warned me if he did spank, I was going to get a blistering. I told him to go ahead and I would use our safeword if and when needed. It was needed :>))

Safety is a priority in any relationship where there is an element of risk ... be that mental, emotional or physical risk. No matter where you are on the kink continuum, if there is any chance of mental, emotional or physical distress, having a safeword strategy is the best way to ensure a safety net is in place. I've use the word strategy deliberately a couple of times here, as discussions should not only include the 'what is our safeword', they should also the whys and wherefores of it's use. 

Here's a link you're interested in other posts about Safewords, or follow the badge below to go to the SWC's project Tell Me About Dominance and Submission.

tellmeabout

18 comments:

  1. Hi NJ, what a great post on an important topic. You make a very good point on the difference of spanking in a D/s and d/d relationship and tolerance when aroused and not aroused.

    We too had discussions as to whether we needed a safe word and do have one. I think it's only been used on a couple of occasions.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Thanks, Roz ... for me it was interesting the two instances where we have used a safeword there were no sexual connotations involved :>) ...
      Hugs ... nj

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  2. I've only ever had safe words when playing publicly and usually with new play partners.....in the beginning I told Sir Steve IF I need to I will make myself clearly understood !! (cheeky grin) Like you I have never actually used any safe word -- well except once where my 'Dom' at the time was beating the sh*t out of me in anger....... yeah that was the first and last time -- and he had no doubt I would be understood

    BUT I still recommend safe words -- they're a good safety net :)

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    1. 'm guessing (no first hand knowledge {grinning} :>)) safewords are mandatory in any properly planned public event.

      And yes, as an established couple, you have to go with what you are comfortable with. I have no doubt you can make your views known when you want to, Morningstar :>)) ... nj ... xx

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    1. Hi Willie ... always interesting to read your POV ... I can see in an LTR, where there is a deep intimate knowledge of one another, 'stop' will work. I think that may be why we never had to use ours previously. However, in discussion here, given the intent of the post, it is not something I would recommend. Mistakes happen ... better 'safe' than sorry ... nj

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  4. NJ,
    Informative posts are important and you've done a really good job here on the topic of safe words. You never know at what stage in their relationships that your readers are experiencing and if you're going to educate on the kinkier side of things, you have to be responsible and write about safety as well. Thanks for this important post. Hugs, Windy

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    1. Thanks, Windy ... I appreciate your supportive words ... I felt I needed to write with the 'newbie' in mind, knowing how we felt about it when we were young, naive and starting out. I think it's a much scarier world now, than it was then. People are much more adventurous and the information shared much more vast ... Hugs! ... nj

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  5. This is an excellent explanation of why safe words are needed. If my back is misbehaving, or I have a reason not to be spanked, then no spanking occurs until a later date. Having a safe word permits the spankee to react and not scare the spanker that the spanking is excessive. Please stop will not have the spanker stop, but the safe word will.
    bottoms up
    Red

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    1. Thanks, Red ... I do appreciate you dropping in to provide a supportive comment, especially as you represent a view of the F/m side of the spanking world. As you say, a safeword helps both the spankee ... and the spanker ... nj

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  6. Excellent advice, nj. Harry and I chose the traffic light system from the start, even though he was a reluctant spanker and unlikely to go overboard. I’ve used yellow once, when I panicked during a reset. Though a safe word may never be needed, I do think it is an important safety net.
    Rosie xx

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    1. Hi Rosie ... Given how reluctant Harry was when you started out, the stoplight approach would have been very beneficial. It's a perfect example of how having a safeword strategy can make both parties feel safe ... nj ... xx

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  7. I really like the way that you have put the use of safewords into context within your relationship. I understand the feeling they will be helpful when starting something new or unknown. I also think that, as well as keeping us same from real harm, they can give us the confidence to push boundaries and try things we might not without them. Great post - thank you for sharing and I am with you on the altered pain threshold! missy xx

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    1. I like and agree with your comment around pushing boundaries, Missy ... yes, in the beginning of an LTR, safewords are all about safety first - and discovering boundaries. As the relationship develops and moves on, pushing boundaries comes into play ... nj ... xx

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  8. Very educational post I am really glad you wrote. You are right on with the use of safe words, even if one is only saying green, any D/s couple needs them (in my opinion). We also have a hard limits list. It's rather short but at least I have a small say. Thank you again for writing this.

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    1. Thanks, Blondie ... I think we may have had a hard limits list previously ... we don't now, altho' if anything new is going to be introduced, there certainly is discussion beforehand.
      Hope you're feeling better ... nj ... xx

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  9. I really enjoyed reading your account on safewords, I agree they are important no matter where you are on the Bdsm spectrum.

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    1. Thanks for the supportive comment, Littlegem ... and welcome! ... nice to 'see' a new face :>) ... nj

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