PK's Thursday Throwback ... a Challenge?

PK didn't actually issue a challenge ... her post was more like a suggestion to bloggers who've been in ttwd land for awhile ... 'why don't you join me' in reposting some of your favourites on a Throwback Thursday. It's me that is issuing the challenge ... because new, inquiring minds want to know. 

Most of the bloggers I read in ttwd land these days have been here for a long time ... PK, I think is 12 years. Hermione, 10-11 yrs, Bonnie is queen at around 13 yrs, Katie, 6, Abby 8, Meredith, 5, Ella 3, Amy, 3, EsMay, 4, Ronnie,?? (I suspect a long time as well!), Roz, Rosie, Jan, Baker, Lindy, Fondles, et al ... there is hardly  anyone under 2 yrs (Sorry for missing the many more of you but that's not my point).  

On the other side of the coin, there are very, very few of us who are 'new' ... myself, 4 months new to ttwd and blogging here. Windy, not new to ttwd but new to blogging and I am sure there are a few others as well that I don't know ... and if not bloggers, then occasional commentors. We are definitely a minority here ... and the performance anxiety is killing me ... ok, not really but I do occasionally think that what I write is boring history stuff ... not enough hanky, panky or spanky. I need someone else to pick up the slack :>)) ... and Windy is doing a fine job! - I was sooo happy she came along :>))

I understand how, after writing for a long time about ttwd/DD, spanking, D/s and all the intricacies of the various associated lifestyles represented in ttwd blogland, you would get tapped out ... find yourself at a spot where you've said all you want to, or can say ... or you've got to a point where you want to keep your life more personal and private because you and your partner have grown into a life you just don't want to share anymore ... or perhaps you no longer have ttwd/DD as an active practice in your life but you want to stay connected to this world.

Yes, I love reading blogs back to front and have done so for a few bloggers but I only have so many hours in a day and days in a year ... and I like books too :>)) So PK's suggestion is perfect. It would be great if all of you experienced folks could poke back in your archives and pull out some gems.

I am sure the readership out there has morphed over the years as well and as such, many of your reposts would find a new audience.  

... and btw ... Hermione has done a great job of compiling her spanking specific posts into one section of her blog, called the Impact Zone (found in January under the year 2007) along with a couple of other focused topics as well. They are a great read! 

So I am supporting PK (yeah! PK!). If you don't do it tomorrow, then maybe join her next week. Pull out a favourite. Tell the reader world out there why it's your favourite and let it be reborn!

thanks for stopping by ... nj

Anniversaries to remember ....

It's our wedding anniversary later this week ... 44 years ... sheesh! ... saying that out loud is a little scary. I don't feel old enough for it to be true ;)) However, no matter the number, our anniversary is always a fun time of year for us ... one we look forward to celebrating with a tradition we started ~36 yrs ago ....

... Our Hotel Sex Anniversary Getaway! ...

It was in the early eighties that I came up with the plan that turned into an annual event. Hotel Sex is a phrase I've heard many others use since .... ahhh, hotel sex, wink, wink, was often a response we'd get when we told someone we were heading away to a hotel for a couple of days. I think Amy (of Eric51Amy49) also referred to it, in a comment on one of my blog posts, as "getting to dress and parade around a place you don't live, followed by hot sex" ... and I would add ... "where you can get away from the everyday noise of life and pretend you are someone else ... no one knows you so who cares what you do".

My plan arose, of course, as a way for us to spend quality time together, with no distractions ... and to give Frank some focused sexy time I couldn't seem to manage often enough in everyday life. Just the thought of hotel sex had my old friend Lola Libido skidding around the corner, making a most dramatic entrance ... not only for the prize event, but for all the weeks long planning that went into said event. There was lingerie and clothing to purchase, new toys to investigate and buy, and plans to be made to surprise Frank. Spring was a happy, sexy time in our household ... now it's Spring all year :>))

Frank has complete long term memory recall which means he can probably quote you chapter and verse as to what transpired on every getaway we had ... some of them are his fondest memories ... "do you remember, Babe, when we ... " (or more likely it's, "do you remember when you ... " as most often, he's looking for a repeat performance :>)).  

I don't have the same recall but I do know I used those weekends to make up for Ms Libido's and my absenteeism the rest of the year. I don't think there was a fantasy of Frank's that went unfulfilled.

Most years we aim for a resort type destination. This year we are delaying a week and heading to the big city to combine our getaway with Frank's high school reunion. The reunion is not a huge event so we will have lots of time to spend together doing whatever else we desire! 

An anniversary gift box is packed with new playtime goodies, the identity of which I won't share here as Frank reads my blog. I am sure we will have a blast ... and perhaps this year, with us both newly in ttwd land, even more so ... if that's possible! 

Happy Anniversary, Frank! ... I've got plans, Baby! ... oxox

Nature's Way ...

I was reminded today, how, in some ways, our world of ttwd mimics the ways of the animal kingdom. I think I've mentioned in one or two previous posts that Frank has a flock of chickens ... ~22, a mix of various breeds plus a turkey hen and a rooster. 

Our roo, JD (James Dean) is the HoH. He is a handsome, gentlemanly, purebred Brahma, who takes care of his ladies. He's first out in the morning and watches all go by until he finds his lady of the day :>)). He will often give his hen of choice a little dance before mounting. He calls out when there is danger (i.e. someone in our yard) - not a loud, obnoxious crow ... but loud enough to be heard and let it be known he means business. He breaks up hen fights and keeps all his ladies safe from harm. Not all roosters are like that ... some are &%#holes ...as in rude, loud and rough with the ladies - we've sent a couple of those along to the soup pot (but not our pot - Frank has a soft heart). 

This morning I was making breakfast for myself and the littlest little (it was daycare day). Frank was in the kitchen with me. We both heard the hens making a bit of a racket and out loud wondered who was carrying on about what. A few minutes later I'd had enough and went to the back door to check on them. I arrived just in time to see a bald eagle launch him/herself over the chicken yard fence and fly away .... I hollered "EAGLE!!!" and Frank hit the door running ... but it was too late. Our big brave boy died protecting his ladies ... not a hen was harmed - most had found their way into the covered pen and another 4 or 5 were huddled in a corner under a tree but he was in a heap in the middle of the pen, feathers all around. 

We have a Momma Hen sitting a half a dozen eggs right now - due in a couple of weeks. We are hoping we get another strong, gentlemanly, HoH type rooster from one of those eggs. 

We are also awaiting the arrival of special pen netting that is touted to be raptor proof ... those eagles never forget where they got a meal (and yes, this is an actual picture I took of one of our beautiful, but deadly, neighbours).

Our FSoG Story Part II ... aka ... When Frank Disappeared ... A Cautionary Tale

I ended my post before last, on a high note, with a promise of more story to come. Unfortunately what followed wasn't quite what you might expect ...

We had a great Spring in 2017 ... tons of fun in and out of the bedroom. Then, as fast as it came about, it was gone. 

In writing my FSoG post I had a great time rereading the sexy back and forth emails we exchanged (Frank does not text ... does not even own a cellphone as he tossed his when he retired). On May 14th, 2017, I sent ... "..... I've bookmarked a very sexy part in the book I'm reading. If you are interested in reading it, let me know 😘😍❤️" ... There was no return email to be found and no further email exchanges at all.

In looking back, I now remember I didn't really think too much about at the time. However not too long after, it suddenly dawned on me ... "Waaait a minute ...  what's going on?" ... I realized there was no daily lingerie was being laid out in the morning. And come to think of it, there was no man behind me copping a feel while I was working in the kitchen nor were there any of his other handsy moves he makes all the time. Odd ... very odd. I ask Frank if everything is ok. He doesn't seem to think there's an issue. More time goes on and now I'm paying attention ... we're at no sex at night and not a lot in the morning which means something is going on. Frank is a sex everyday if he can get it kind of man and as I said in my last post his sexuality is a big part of his personality. I was also noticing an overall difference in him in that he was quite quiet and introverted ... Now it was me who was saying 'who are you and what have you done with my husband'!

I worked for many years in computer systems management. When one of our services failed the first thing our team looked for was 'what was the last system change' ... and that's exactly what I asked myself and I immediately knew the answer.

In 2015, Frank was diagnosed with kidney cancer and had emergency surgery to remove the affected kidney (it was a horrible year ... and most of 2016 wasn't a whole lot better as it took a long time for him to recover physically and mentally). Thankfully now, all is well, however he does have to have regular checkups and tests. In March his Doc decided his blood pressure was too high so she put him on medication. Then at the end of April she decided it hadn't dropped enough so she added a second medication. He was fine in March and April so I suspected drug #2 was the culprit. I consulted Dr Google and sure enough ... there it was ... said med has the potential to decrease libido. Those Libidos ... always causing trouble ;)

I told Frank what I'd discovered and suggested he go talk to his Dr. He was a bit horrified ... our Doc is female and he balked at the thought of having to go talk to her about his sex life. So I left it for awhile, getting more and more frustrated as time went on .... and by now I'm thinking - 'karma is such a bitch!'. With the shoe on the other foot, I now knew how he felt for those very many years when Lola Libido and I were dodging, evading and refusing. 

I tried adding 'make a Drs appt' to his daily to do list. I threatened to go talk to her myself. However I knew darn well when you are the one at the low end of the libido scale, you don't see anything wrong with it. You simply 'don't feel like it' and what's the big deal about that.

Finally there was a breaking point. It happened on a rare day when he suggested sexy time might be in the cards that night and specified the lingerie he'd like (of course he did ;>) ... and if you are new to this blog and puzzled about my man's lingerie obsession you can read about it here :>)).

"Woohoo!", I thought. I went the whole nine yards ... hair, makeup, sexy lingerie and sashayed myself out to the living room where he was watching TV, only to have him ...

... Turn Me Down ... 

I was absolutely devastated. Never in our 47 yrs had he ever passed up an opportunity to make love. I immediately took myself to bed and cried my eyes out. I was heartbroken. 

He came into the bedroom not too long after, got into bed with me, held me, kissed me, consoled me and apologized from the bottom of his heart. I told him how hurt I was and how much I missed him ... the real him.

I explained I felt we were like two ships that had passed in the night ... we'd only had those 3 or 4 months where we were on the same path, such a good path, and I was so sad that it was gone and now I was afraid we'd never get it back. He finally admitted that he hadn't been feeling like himself and agreed he needed to go talk to the doc.

But then, because nothing our life ever goes to plan, life intervened. He had 'an episode' ...  an odd set of symptoms that required a hospital emergency visit and due to his medical history, a subsequent set of tests. Immediately everything else went on the back burner. When it came time to go visit the doc for the test results I went with him (after a couple of disasters, we have a pact where he does not go for test results appointments without me). I told him up front we were also talking to her about his other problem. 

Whew! ... all the tests came back negative. There was no explanation for what had occurred but to know nothing else was wrong was such a relief. I was now waiting for him to say something to her about the BP meds and when he didn't I immediately jumped in. I am not at all shy so I laid it all out for her. She had a bit of a smile on her face when she told him she would do some research (although there are many types of BP meds, him having only one kidney affects the types he can take) and he was to come back in a few days and she'd have a new prescription for him. 

When we got to the car I said "See .... that wasn't so hard now was it?" I got a glare ... "yeah, I loved sitting there while you two talked about my sex life" ... "our sex life",  I corrected him.

Within a week or so after he went off the old med and started the new, I got up in the AM to find lingerie laid out for me .... big sigh of relief!! ... thank-you, thank-you, thank-you! ... I have my man back!

PS ... on the positive side, BP meds improve blood flow - yes, down there as well ... Frank is enjoying those side benefits ... and so am I 😀

and PPS ... at his next checkup the doc asked him how things were going with the med change ... his response ... "Nora Jean is happy" ... there is truth in the saying ... happy wife, happy life 😋

Thanks for dropping by! ... nj

A Tale of Two Spankings

No, this isn't my intended followup to my FSoG story post. It's a 'keeping me awake in the wee hours' post, where I'm hoping that getting my thoughts down in words, will help me get back to sleep.

Last night we were getting ready to go out for an evening of dinner and drinks with friends. We're in the bathroom. Frank is dressed and I'm not, save my bra. I'm standing in front of the mirror and I grumble ...

"I need to do something about this"

"About what?"

"This" ... I reply, motioning in front of me, still looking in the mirror. "I need to get back to exercising and eating right."

Whhaapp! ...his thick, stocky, hand landed hard, smack in the middle of my bum ...

"That's one!" 

"That's two and that's three" ... he followed up with two sharp smacks, one on each cheek

"And that's four!" ... he ended with two sharp pinches, one on the lower part of each cheek and then leaned into me ... "If it bothers you that much, then stop complaining and do something about it."

Down went my head ... instant submission rolled over me. I turned and walked into the walk-in to finish dressing, tears pricking the back of my eyes. I got it together and we continued conversing while I dressed, as if it hadn't happened.

We had a great time out ... food wasn't the best but that's sometimes how it rolls in our little town but we had lots of laughs with good company.

On the drive home I tried to initiate a ttwd conversation. Frank was receptive but I wasn't doing a good job of articulating the jumble in my head. Finally I just dropped it. 

This past week I've felt like like the ttwd raft has come unmoored and is drifting away. Frank's been working hard daily, still doing wood. I've had the boys a fair bit more than usual and the old dog died last Friday. I've felt myself slipping back into old ways ... sharp tongue coming out. There's been no spankings for it but 'the look' has appeared a couple of times, evoking an apology from me. 

After we got home, we got undressed and headed for bed. Frank pulled me in, telling me how pretty I'd looked that evening. He was pleased with polished fingers and toes, open toed sandals and skinny jeans that show off my bum (yeah, yeah, Girly Girl here I come ;)). He got into bed sitting up against the headboard, motioning across his lap. I knew this was a 'prelude to sex spanking' coming up. One I wasn't really feeling all that enthusiastic about.

"No pillow" I grumbled. He has very hard muscular legs, that feel like two by fours when you lay across them without a pillow. He ignored me and pulled me over, settling me against his stomach (which is no help).

He proceeded to lay on what any Spanko would consider a good, well administered spanking (that btw, I'm still feeling 4 hrs later, writing this). It was varied in tempo and strength, but I couldn't focus. I couldn't get into my submissive headspace. I squirmed, whining, against his legs and finally he let me up. I then begged off where I knew he wanted to go next. As we snuggled back under the covers he asked .. "What's up, NJ?" knowing full well I rarely turn down sex these days. Again, I can't articulate what I'm feeling ... I put him off with telling him I'm just feeling 'blah'. Finally he gave up and we went to sleep .. and I woke up and now I can't get back to sleep ... grrrrr ... and I still can't sort out what this is all about.

It will be ok ... we will talk and we will reconnect the ttwd raft to its moorings but you know what? ... right now the only thing I can say for sure ... and it's a puzzle to me ... the spanking that meant the most to me tonight, the spanking that made me feel the most connected to Frank, was the short, sharp reprimand that had me nearly in tears .... hummmph ... not quite sure what to make of that ... nj

Our FSoG Story

Many of us here have one ... a 50 Shades story. Now seemed like a good time for me to share ours ... but first I'd like to introduce you to an odd couple who've been in our lives for very many years. They will drop in from time to time in future posts, as well as this one, so a proper introduction is needed ...

Meet the Libidos ... 

Up until a few years ago, Frank and I really only fought about one thing in our many years together and that was sex ... kind of ironic, eh, considering where we are now ... 

The reason? ... mismatched libidos ... as in opposite ends of the scale. I like to think of our libidos as a little Italian couple (my apologies to any of you with Italian heritage ;)) ... Luigi is loud, proud and over the top. Lola is a princess, who only comes out to play when everything is just the way she wants it. 

Mr & Mrs Libido

When we were first together the Libidos were pretty well matched ... as in over the top ... like rabbits, over the top.

However, as time went on my Lola could be found in the corner, yawning and filing her nails. 

There wasn't any good reason for the change, other than the desire (but not the love) dwindled. On the other hand, Frank's Luigi continued to be present and demanding .... Frank's sexuality has always been a huge part of his personality - or at least, the personality he presents to me :>)). When he was on the prowl (pursuing me ;)), he was funny, witty and charming ... denied, he'd turn into a silent sam. He would be handsy and I would be dodging and it lead to big fights. We almost split up over it early in our marriage, but we knew we still loved each other so we sought counselling. Over time, we managed to find a happy medium .... but it was still wasn't ideal. 

On with the story ... 

There were a couple of things we did to help Ms Libido deign us with her appearance ... erotica, and me finding time and place to relax and turn off the noise in my head re kids, work, school, house, family, etc, in order to read said erotica. The bathtub became the go to place .... "go have a bath and read" or "I'm going to have a bath and read" became our signal for some shared sexy time. 

In addition, we got a good vibrator ... not a toy ... a good Wahl version with power (and after it died, there was Wahl II ... and now we have the intrepid Vibratex Magic Wand ... rechargeable, no cords, woohoo! ;)) ... if the erotica didn't get Lola entirely out of her hidey hole, the vibrator did. 

In the intervening years, after the departure of our kids from the nest and the advent of our D/s dynamic, our sex life got much more spontaneous, our fighting over the frequency of it, much less, but still some type of brain gym was almost always required to get Lola's attention.

Fast forward to ~2012 ... my everyday reading material for many years was crime/mystery fiction and contemporary novels but somewhere along the line I read 50 Shades of Grey ... probably because everyone was talking about it so much I had to see what all the fuss was. I liked the series just fine. My normal erotic reading material was was a little more hard core so it was kind of nice to read a BDSM themed book with a romantic bent. I do remember it lit a bit of a spark in Mrs L as well.

In early 2017, I found myself deep in SADS season ... a total funk. I wasn't doing much except the bare necessities and reading. When I ran out of reading material and couldn't find any new mystery writers to follow I went back into my ebook archives to see what might interest me as a reread and thus retrieved the 50 Shades series. 

Again it was enjoyable read. However, I also remembered that many of the erotica writers I was reading after my first FSoG read, had panned the series ... their criticism levelled at both the writing and the way BDSM was portrayed (if you wish to read a dissection of the FSOG series by someone long in the BDSM community, there is an interesting series of posts written on the History of BDSM blog here). So I got to thinking ... if this wasn't considered to be all that great, what was? I changed my Goodreads Listopia 'best crime mystery' query to 'best erotic romance' and jeezus!, jumping!, hell! .... who knew!!? 

My first thought was, this list of books sure doesn't look anything like my mother's stack of Harlequin romance novels I burned my brain with, at the beach, many, many summers ago (and possibly the reason I wasn't a romance genre fan). And before I knew it, that was that .... I was in over my head reading every erotic romance of every related sub genre I could find and I am still at it a year and a bit and a couple hundred books later. Yikes! ... Frank has given up counting the number of book purchases on the credit card bill. 

Very quickly, after my initial new reads (I started with the Sylvia Day Crossfire series, then moved onto Christina Lauren's Beautiful series), Lola Libido emerged, fully prepared for lust and love!

For the first few weeks of my erotic romance overload, I was so continuously turned on I felt like I was wandering around in a sexual fugue ... I was sending Frank schmexy emails, tackling him in the bedroom and other places, dropping to my knees for impromptu bj's and always wanting to feel close and connected to him. He actually at one point, really did utter that old phrase ... 'who are you and what did you do with my wife?!'

As I continued to plow through books, I came to the realization that the closeness I was developing with Frank was about something more than an increase in sexual attraction. The MC's in these books supposedly represent, to what I imagine are mostly female readers, our most desired male characteristics. I began to realize, with Frank, I could tick off many of those idealized man boxes ... and as such I began to see him in an entirely different light. 

So there you have it ... 'tis the reason our new ttwd/DD path is a bit boring, snoring, with no big drama to report ... our entire relationship dynamic significantly shifted last year and it happened prior to the discovery of ttwd/DD. As you can see, FSoG was a big factor in that wonderful shift ... AND ... since I found DD for the first time in an erotic romance novel and then brought it to Frank, it is also the reason we are now on the ttwd/DD path.

PS ... there is a coda to this tale ... I'll fill you in with the next post ...

Thanks for dropping by ... nj

Mom's Day

Not all of us get to celebrate the Hallmark Card version of Mom's Day

I am one of the lucky ones ... 

Sending along an extra big HUG for all of you who wish you had your Mom or kids to celebrate with ...

Happy Mom's Day, blog friends!

Implements? ... What Implements?

As I've said in an earlier post, so far we don't really 'do implements' ... hand spanking is the favourite choice of my spanky man. We do have a crop (like it), a flogger (love it), a ping pong paddle aka the PPP or the Triple P (yeouch!) and from the kitchenware drawer, a stingy bamboo salad spoon. Other than the first two, which have been in our world for years, I can count on one hand the number of times the others have been used. Also, I'm still not sure how I feel about implements ... I'm all for their use in the throes of a sexy passion spanking ... but in JFF times (our version of maintenance or role affirmation), I'm not so sure. However I get the feeling I might find out soon ...

We were grocery shopping the other day when we passed one of those housewares sections in the middle of an aisle. My eye was immediately drawn to .... 

.... Exaaactly!

A quick glance at Frank to see if he noticed anything showed he was looking in the same direction. He smirked and said 'I'm always on the lookout' .... but he kept walking and no further comment was forthcoming. I'm thinking ... 'lookout!? lookout for what!?' since I've also observed him 'on the lookout' in haircare and beauty aisles and second hand stores ... if he hasn't found what he's looking for yet, should I be getting worried? 

Pssst ... do you think I should share with him my secret Pinterest Board called 'Implements' to help him find whatever it is he is looking for? .... 

Thanks for dropping by :>)) .... nj

Road Trip ...

I mentioned in my last post that we'd made a whirlwind trip to the big city last weekend. One of Frank's siblings was celebrating a milestone birthday with a big family get together so it was important we attend. It's about a 5-6 hour trip to get to the city, including ferry travel, which meant an early morning start on Sat in order to make the afternoon party. As always, it was a fun family affair - Frank has a very large family - we number over 100 family members, given the powers of compounding ... 8 kids became 16 married, which became 40+ with kids, those kids married and had kids, and voila! ... you get the picture :>))

We managed to get some couple time in as well. We were finished with the family affair by mid evening and headed back to our hotel which adjoined a casino. I 'dressed up' ... in a new short dress, strappy sandal heels, fluffed my hair and off we went for a late dinner. Frank then 'squired' me around the casino, where we made a small donation and people-watched, before heading back to our room. 

The short dress by this time had made quite the impression with Frank (he seemed to be doing a lot of walking behind me :>)). He had fun taking it off, accompanied by a very minor spanking (due to thin hotel walls), followed by some loving. Hotel sex is usually an awesome treat for us but we were both so tired with the long day, soon to be followed by another long day, we  wrapped ourselves up in one another and snuggled in for the night.

Although we lived in the big city 'burbs for nearly 40 yrs, it is not a favourite driving destination for us. We've lived in our small town for 10 yrs now which means we find the big city driving to be a bit hair raising with busy freeways, multiple lanes and stop and go traffic. When we lived there Frank only had to make a 5 minute drive to work. I, on the other hand, had to make a minimum 1 hour commute, in traffic, to work and back home every day. Consequently, I was the driver most familiar with city streets, traffic, etc. This also meant, when driving with Frank, in city areas outside of our home community, I often took over as the navigating co-pilot side seat driver, and as such, was Frank's worst nightmare :>)) 

Knowing this history, I was wondering how our new dynamic would work. Before leaving, I mentally made a promise to 'lean in' and let him lead but I wasn't sure the promise would hold.

Well, I am happy to report, we I did well ... on only one occasion was there a quiet 'shhhhhh' from Frank accompanied by the pressure of his hand on my leg but other than that there was none of the arguing and blowups that often occurred in past driving trips. On the way home we also had a engrossing ttwd reconnect conversation. Frank doesn't do well with conflict. In the past, whenever an argument started between us, often his method of dealing with it was a silent retreat. On this trip, Frank revealed that those types of conflict situations used to give him huge amounts of stress ... stress he would stuff deep inside and hold onto .... stress he no longer feels with ttwd/DD. I have to say some of the revelations from this man have been mind-bending these past 3+ months ... and I have obviously been very much blissfully unaware of his inner turmoil all these years. 

Love you, Frank, my man ... so happy you stuck with me :>))

Empty Nesting ....

Hello ... I have been somewhat absent from the Blogosphere this past week or so ... a whirlwind trip to the big city on the weekend, a sick old pup nearing end of life and the rest of all these things we do, have kept me out of the loop. I will catch up as soon as I can. 

 

In the meantime, I did see this too funny post on Facebook this morning and thought it would be a fun share with any of you out there who might be longing to be empty nesters, new empty nesters, soon to be empty nesters, long time empty nesters,  or like us, empty nesters whose kids have come back home a time or two over the years (and who now live quite close and have keys to the house ... let me tell you, that has made for some interesting times :>)) 

Here's the link ....
(I believe you have to have a FB account to view ... and stick with it ... the funniest part is at the end 😀 )

Our Nest is empty and we plan to keep that way!