No, this isn't my intended followup to my FSoG story post. It's a 'keeping me awake in the wee hours' post, where I'm hoping that getting my thoughts down in words, will help me get back to sleep.
Last night we were getting ready to go out for an evening of dinner and drinks with friends. We're in the bathroom. Frank is dressed and I'm not, save my bra. I'm standing in front of the mirror and I grumble ...
"I need to do something about this"
"About what?"
"This" ... I reply, motioning in front of me, still looking in the mirror. "I need to get back to exercising and eating right."
Whhaapp! ...his thick, stocky, hand landed hard, smack in the middle of my bum ...
"That's one!"
"That's two and that's three" ... he followed up with two sharp smacks, one on each cheek
"And that's four!" ... he ended with two sharp pinches, one on the lower part of each cheek and then leaned into me ... "If it bothers you that much, then stop complaining and do something about it."
Down went my head ... instant submission rolled over me. I turned and walked into the walk-in to finish dressing, tears pricking the back of my eyes. I got it together and we continued conversing while I dressed, as if it hadn't happened.
We had a great time out ... food wasn't the best but that's sometimes how it rolls in our little town but we had lots of laughs with good company.
On the drive home I tried to initiate a ttwd conversation. Frank was receptive but I wasn't doing a good job of articulating the jumble in my head. Finally I just dropped it.
This past week I've felt like like the ttwd raft has come unmoored and is drifting away. Frank's been working hard daily, still doing wood. I've had the boys a fair bit more than usual and the old dog died last Friday. I've felt myself slipping back into old ways ... sharp tongue coming out. There's been no spankings for it but 'the look' has appeared a couple of times, evoking an apology from me.
After we got home, we got undressed and headed for bed. Frank pulled me in, telling me how pretty I'd looked that evening. He was pleased with polished fingers and toes, open toed sandals and skinny jeans that show off my bum (yeah, yeah, Girly Girl here I come ;)). He got into bed sitting up against the headboard, motioning across his lap. I knew this was a 'prelude to sex spanking' coming up. One I wasn't really feeling all that enthusiastic about.
"No pillow" I grumbled. He has very hard muscular legs, that feel like two by fours when you lay across them without a pillow. He ignored me and pulled me over, settling me against his stomach (which is no help).
He proceeded to lay on what any Spanko would consider a good, well administered spanking (that btw, I'm still feeling 4 hrs later, writing this). It was varied in tempo and strength, but I couldn't focus. I couldn't get into my submissive headspace. I squirmed, whining, against his legs and finally he let me up. I then begged off where I knew he wanted to go next. As we snuggled back under the covers he asked .. "What's up, NJ?" knowing full well I rarely turn down sex these days. Again, I can't articulate what I'm feeling ... I put him off with telling him I'm just feeling 'blah'. Finally he gave up and we went to sleep .. and I woke up and now I can't get back to sleep ... grrrrr ... and I still can't sort out what this is all about.
It will be ok ... we will talk and we will reconnect the ttwd raft to its moorings but you know what? ... right now the only thing I can say for sure ... and it's a puzzle to me ... the spanking that meant the most to me tonight, the spanking that made me feel the most connected to Frank, was the short, sharp reprimand that had me nearly in tears .... hummmph ... not quite sure what to make of that ... nj
NJ,
ReplyDeleteI have so been there and know exactly what you are feeling. The unmooring leads very quickly to the reconnection and that will happen to you and Frank. Your post is an honest, true one. My Jack will not tolerate self-doubting and takes care of things much like your Frank. Things become good again once the mooring lines are secured.
I am up before the chickens watching The Wedding.
Meredith
Hey, I am proud of you "Girly Girl"! ;) NJ, this feeling you're experiencing will pass. It's part of the whole twwd life... ups and downs are normal. I've been where you're at and recently. We all mostly try to write about the good parts of twwd and I find it refreshing that you're sharing the way you did about the struggle. I dislike when I feel frustrated and Storm doesn't like that either. But, you will reconnect. Just keep communicating. Do not throw up a wall and not let him know what you are thinking (been there done that.). Hugs!
ReplyDeleteNora Jean,
ReplyDeleteI so liked your honesty here. It is important to realize that ttwd doesn't float along without taking care of the connection. What is always so surprising, is that things can seem wrong so quickly.
Your metaphor about the raft coming unmoored reminds me of a post I wrote around the idea of being lost at sea. You described it well.
In the beginning we are so amazed at the closeness that ttwd brings that if it isn't there, we feel a little like we are drowning. Scared even.
Lots of talking is in order and time to yourselves.
Hugs From Ella
Could it be that the first spanking made you feel submissive because, though short, it was a correction, asserting Frank’s dominance, whereas the second was for fun?
ReplyDeleteAs for the raft coming unmoored, you had a bad week. Life gets in the way sometimes, you’ll work it out. As you know, communication is the key.
Rosie xx
Hi Nora Jean, I hope you are feeling better about things now. Maybe you are feeling out of sorts as you were already a bit off kilter before Frank took you to task so to speak. None of our men like us to think poorly of ourselves. Once you have had a conversation about how you felt at the time things will hopefully settle down a bit. We all have blips, both small and large along the way. Life too gets in the way sometimes, keep talking.much love Jan, xx
ReplyDeleteI very much understand what you're saying. I can't explain it, but I understand it. I think you were more moved by the first one because he spontaneously corrected something he didn't like. It was completely real. If I'm not exactly in the mood pre-sex spankings seem contrived at a time I need something real. That may just be me.
ReplyDeleteIt happens to all of us...some spankings are just what we need...and others, not so much. I have always said...the spankee has a tough job. So many different kinds of spankings, so many different reasons to spank or not to...hard to get it always right. The important thing...to talk...even when it is hard...to talk about the spankings that do not go right..or that just seem to lack something.
ReplyDeletehugs abby
Thank-you, Blogger friends, for your wisdom, encouragement and support. Rosie and PK ... you are absolutely right ... the 'reprimand' spanking made the biggest impact because it was Frank, in the moment, asserting his dominant self and it was definitely real ... I did recognize that. However, in that lies my dilemma. I won't 'brat' to get that type of response from Frank. That's not what our relationship is about. We have an agreement we take seriously. What we need to do is figure what works for us in order to achieve that close ttwd/DD/Ds connection without having to set up any type of false scenario.
ReplyDeleteAnd on another note ... the poor man did not sleep well either, although he didn't hear me when I got up to launch the post. When he woke up at 5:30 (groan) to find me awake as well (still :(), his comment was ... "What happened last night, Baby? You had me very confused" .... I tried explaining again, finally telling him how I felt about the first spanking. He didn't mince words, telling me it was definitely an intended discipline spanking. However, re his confusion over the second scenario ... it was this ... We rarely have sex at night any more for reasons too complicated to get into here. It's almost always morning sex. However we both miss night time love making because its much more satisfying to snuggle into post coital slumber than to have to bounce out of bed and get your day underway. Last night he was trying to give me that night time love as a way of showing his love and appreciation for my paying attention to how he likes me to present myself when we go out. And I totally blew it.
We're good ... we talked quite a bit this morning but it's still a tangled mess that we will be working on untangling over the next few days ��
Thanks again! ... nj ... xx
Hi Nora Jean, I'm sorry I am late to this post. I'm glad to read your comment and that you and Frank have subsequently talked through what happened. You will work through it together and reconnect.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you are feeling out of sorts. It sounds like you had a rough week. That would have contributed to feeling disconnected.
((hugs))
Roz
Hi Roz ... It has been a rough week. Frank is working a lot! He takes on way more than he should at his age. Me, left alone with my thoughts is not always a good thing :>)) ... nj ... xx
DeleteFirst of all you didn't "blow it"m .Communication is a two way street, and while I can appreciate that as the one who has what appears to be the greatest emotional inner torment at the moment- Frank was venturing into a new area ( sex at night again) how were you to know the reason? I am not placing blame on his shoulders either all of the emotional aspect of ttwd can make the waters very murky in suprsing ways. That is what really makes communication difficult. I have found some of our more challenging times have come because B did not express his feelings and intentions - whether they be positive or not. I think it is fantastic that Frank opened up to you in the morning .No one blew it- or you both did. Lol. But it is a process. Timing with communication is as important as what is shared.
ReplyDeleteAs for your spanking and how you feel, you can see many relate. It is a very confusing mix to live through but not in principle. Frank showed authenticity in dominate during that first spanking and that was what reached down and touched your submissive core not the physical at all. When we first start ttwd it tends to focus us on the physical- but the truth of the matter is those physical moments, more often than not (outside of resets) are merely a signified of our roles. They shine a spotlight in a concrete way on who we are or long to be. Think of them as a spark on a flint. As time progresses with your dynamic your every day actions/interactions will build on those sparks and those feelings will grow. It can take time but you can get there. You are on the right track with your girly girl as that is Frank's desire. Trust me that alone is building your submission.
Please don't beat yourself up over this stumbling block. You are on your way to making it a build block!
Willie
Urgh, sorry about all the wrong words in the above post. B has taken away m computer. I am allowed to use my phone, but as you can see it is oh so helpful changing words for me. It is also impossible to proof read a comment on this darn thing !
DeleteSo....corrections are, Frank showed authenticity in domination
The physical is merely a signifier
And - you are on your way to Making it a building block
Lol
Thanks, Wilma, for your insight. It's all a lot to sort out at times.
DeleteUgh! re your loss of computer. I hate trying to blog and/or comment on mobile devices. Blogger was not built for it! ... nj
I find that the peaks and valleys happen in everything we do, ttwd included. Sometimes life becomes so crazy that the valleys may seem frequent and hard to climb out of, but we always find our way back to what we know, what we love, and what works so well for us. Things will change again and you’ll move on from this odd feeling you can’t make sense of. I find at times it’s not the short, quick spankings that do the trick but the longer, time consuming ones with tons of talking, listening, and answering that really settle me and make me feel grounded. I wish for you and Frank time to really take care of each other, and I know it will come.
ReplyDelete😊
Hi Laurel ... yes, it's definitely valley time right now. Thanks for your words of encouragement! ... nj
DeleteYour timing on this is perfect in my house! There are times that ttwd is less about the spanking and more about the emotional need at the moment. It's not about quantity or harshness, but about the inner parts of us that are touched when our strong loving partners acknowledge a soft spot within us and bring it out. I think the vulnerability is the key that differentiates between what we get and what we need. Stay close. You'll find the time and place for all things - even breaks.
ReplyDeleteAmy
Thanks Amy ... life has pulled us apart a bit these days. Frank is working a lot! and I think that's why we've hit this little bump ... we will get around or over it. We do need a break and the good news is, there is one on the horizon ... nj
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