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Saturday 20 April 2019

Early Memories

Writing Prompt from The Erotic Journal Challenge #14 Realization ...
"Write about a moment of self-realization…one of those moments when you noticed suddenly that you liked something or wanted something that you weren’t expecting or that was new to you. This can be a moment of sexual self-realization, or any kind that is relevant to you"


There are times when I am envious of some of the couples we know here in Blogland ... couples, like Frank and I, similar in age, who were also high school sweethearts. However, unlike Frank and I, their initial sexual discoveries were with one another ... a special kind of start for a relationship, for sure. Special memories made and carried forward through the years. 

For me ... from a young age I was aware that touching myself 'down there' felt good. This early awareness was helped along by an older neighbourhood boy, who also touched me. I don't recall any feelings of hurt or fear ... only that he made me feel special and what he did felt good. I never told ... until I told Frank.

A couple of years later when I was around 9, a family of girls moved into the neighbourhood. Up until then I'd been the only girl in a pack of boys. The middle girl, a year older than me, and I became fast friends. It was she who introduced me to the ubiquitous childhood game of 'Doctor' ... with me almost always the patient. 

When I was 11, an older, out of town, cousin by marriage, introduced me to the first erect penis I'd ever seen. I came upon him in full glory, masturbating in his bunk at our grandmother's house. He invited me to touch. I did ... and I still recall today, what to me is the defining sensation of touching a hard cock ... a steeliness covered by silky skin ... and perhaps, given my then still tomboy status, there may have been a bit of penis envy as well :>). He and I would continue our sexual explorations with one another ... mostly casual touching ... well, mostly him touching me, over the next few years, whenever we were together due to summer family visits. This culminated in a full on secret affair (secret because we were 'cousins'), in the summer I was 15, when my brothers and I were sent to stay with his family while our Mom and Dad moved house and home to the big city. He was my first love ... I spent a very lonely first year in a new city, pining for him ... until I met and fell in love with Frank a year later.

All of these childhood sexual experiences contributed to an early release of my sexuality. Although perhaps shocking to some who may be reading here now, if it weren't for my early sexual awareness and experience, I don't think Frank and I would have been a match. He was nearly 21 when we met and not only was he chronologically a man, he was also a man with sexual experience. For him, me being mature beyond my years, both socially and sexually, was part of the attraction. Without it, I'm not sure he'd have been interested. Sex was and still is today, very much part of who we are together.

So fast forward to today. With our lifestyle changes in the past year and the increase in openness, trust and vulnerability this type of relationship brings about, Frank and I have been diving deeper into our sexual histories. We each knew bits and pieces but both of us have had further stories to share. He, like me, had early in life sexual experiences which I won't recount here as those are his stories. However, I will share, with one of his reveals, I now have a reason for an incident that occurred when we were first dating and an explanation for a behaviour he has exhibited for many years ... yes, also a realization. 

In addition to sharing histories, we have also become more open about sharing and discovering our sexual fantasies - one would think after nearly 48 years together all would have been revealed by now but turns out that is not the case. In the past our bedroom D/s dynamic consisted of me giving myself over to Frank to do as he wished and/or understood my wishes to be. In hindsight, I was passively submissive - very different from the active submissive role I/we are working towards today. It is only with our rediscovery of our D/s relationship and me delving deeper into the blogworld of D/s couples in long term relationships, that I have been able to put words and descriptors to some of the fantasies I have had for years. 

One of things we've talked about recently is role play. Given I am a crap actor and Frank doesn't think of himself as much better (although I'd beg to differ), it's not something we've done a lot of other than from a dress up costume perspective (me). We had been talking about something in particular over the course of a couple of weeks and finally decided to give it a try. The other night, Frank had me take a bath, gave specific instructions as to my attire and then he set the scene. I won't go into details, except to say it pushed all my erotic embarrassment buttons and was hot! ... beyond hot! ... 

In our aftercare time of cuddle and talk, we gave each other an acting critique :>) ... turns out he is the better actor - good thing as he had the more demanding role. Although my role wasn't all that taxing on my non existent acting skills, apparently I made all the appropriate noises ... lol! 

Later in our conversation, I also mused as to whether or not my passivity in my early childhood sexual experiences, was/is a contributing factor to my desire to have 'things done to me' and possibly a reason for my erotic embarrassment hot buttons. Frank agreed that my past experiences may very well be the underpinnings for these types of desires and perhaps part of my initial teenage and ongoing attraction to the world of BDSM ... 

Realizations ... lately, for us, there have been several ... discoveries and realizations ... nj



19 comments:

  1. Happy Easter Nj

    I really want to comment -- but have the hoards arriving in a couple of hours... I promise I'll be back ....... it was a great read !!

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  2. Oooo - I want to know what it was that you did now. Reading this I can see so many parallels to the way that I am. The idea of 'things being done to me'. I was always sexually submissive but as you say, taking this out of the bedroom has put me somewhat under a spotlight so I have had to reflect on and try to articulate some of the things that I like and which are my triggers for arousal. Great post and I look forward to reading more if you decide to post :) missy xx

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    1. Haha! ... not telling, Missy ... I'm not quite there yet. Yes, the past couple of months have been quite a discovery for me/us. When we first took our dynamic out of the bedroom last year with a DD twist, those changes were pretty mind blowing. Now as we revisit our D/s dynamic and see how different it looks 'out of the bedroom', I realize we still have a lot to learn ... thanks for your support! ... nj ... xx

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  3. Hello NJ! Happy Easter. My first love was one who loved to teach and explore anything and everything with me. He too, was older and had a lot more experience than I did. I can completely relate to your childhood experiences as well, a boy next door when I was in 2nd grade, fascinated with his own sexuality and wanting an audience. Fast forward, Eric and I in my mid-forties and his later fifties. Mentally we clicked. Dated. Fell in love and married. Sexually the surprising similarities still appear throughout our dynamic. We "play" constantly; acting skills becoming less and less relevant. I'll write one of these this week. Keep playing, my dear. Explore it all. Every thought crosses your and Frank's minds. Hugs and love, Amy

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    1. Hi Amy ... Happy Easter to you too! ... I don't think I realized the age difference between you and Eric. However, given your last post, it makes sense ... excellent post, btw! Thanks for the reassurance and encouragement re role play ... maybe with time and practice, I will become more comfortable and perhaps be able to forget myself. Hugs! ... nj

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  4. I'm backkkkkkkkk... just like I promised (grinning)

    I did really love reading this post today.. I felt I learned so much more about you and Frank.. it made me feel closer to you for some reason.....

    A couple of things stood out in my mind today --
    48 years together !! wow that is some milestone! good for you (both of you)

    And how you didn't seem to feel guilt (at least not that you wrote about) about the sexual desires you had a young girl/woman. I wish I had been more like you...... I wouldn't feel like I wasted so much time...

    I look forward to reading more of your life with Frank nj..... thanks so much for sharing !

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    1. I'm glad you enjoyed the read, Morningstar ... no, you are right, I don't think I've ever felt any guilt about my sexual experiences or desires. Maybe it's because my parents didn't really talk about sex so there was no judgement from them as to what I did - but of course I also didn't tell them what I was up to ... lol!!

      Hope you had a Happy Easter entertaining and feeding your crowd. I worked today so we are having our family dinner tomorrow ... hugs! ... nj

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  5. Hi NJ, Happy Easter! Hope you are having a great weekend :)y

    I enjoyed reading this and love how you wrote it. I think it's awesome that you and Frank are so open and honest and love that you are enjoying exploring and experimenting together:) you and Frank critiquing each other's acting made me giggle.

    I lived quite a sheltered life growing up and was a late bloomer sexually. The thought of sex scared the crap out of me lol

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Happy (belated by now) Easter to you and Rick as well, Roz ... yes ... we are having a quiet, peaceful, just the two of us long weekend :>)) ... until our Easter dinner later today :>)

      Thank you for your supportive words ... this was a post where pushing 'Publish' was a bit stressful. I put it through the Frank test first :>)

      I am guessing there were many people in our age bracket who either missed or were sheltered from the sexual revolution that took place in the late 60's/early 70's ... I was right in the midst of it which may account for my more open mind about it all. It's interesting to me that altho' sex and sexuality is everywhere you look in today's world, in some ways our social acceptance of it all has returned to a more conservative viewpoint.

      Have a great week! ... nj ... xx

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  6. This is such an insightful post, NJ. It seems to me as we get to know these stories of each other that we become more 3 dimensional as bloggers and friends. We all bring a unique set of experiences and human feelings to what we write at this moment in time. I think you have revealed that there is a heat and intensity to what you and Frank enjoy together, back then and 48 years later. Something that has made your marriage strong and dynamic. I am enjoying your reveal, my friend.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Thank-you, Ella ... yes, I too enjoy the stories everyone has to tell. Frank and I have have a great sex life ... we often joke we must be the horniest sixty something year olds in town ... altho' probably not :>)) ... as reading ttwd blogs over the past year has shown, sex doesn't end when you get past middle age ... hugs! ... nj

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  7. Thanks for sharing your love and discovery story. How wonderful that after more than 40 years...you are still learning about and discovering each other. M and I often laugh when we read or hear...about too old for such and such...we are just getting better and more adventuresome! hugs abby

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    1. You are welcome, Abby! ... you and M have quite the story as well. What is it now ... 18+ yrs? ... and your story began at 50 something which says something for anyone out there thinking sexual happiness only happens when you are young. Here's to more adventures! :>)) ... hugs! ... nj

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  8. I love that after 48 years together you’re still learning about each other, and sharing and playing out newly discovered fantasies. Comfort levels definitely deepen over time and your openness with each other is wonderful to read about. It speaks to your relationship being strong, caring, and loving, with a connection that’s deep. It sounds like acting ability has nothing to do with it! Keep having fun!

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    1. Thank-you Laurel, for your supportive comments. We will keep looking for new avenues to explore and along the way I am sure there will be more fun to be had :>) ... nj

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  9. This is a powerful post, NJ. I imagine you pressed ‘Post’ with some trepidation. How wonderful that those early experiences led to your relationship with Frank, which is still evolving after 48 years. May there be many discoveries to come!
    Rosie xx

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    1. Hi Rosie, yes, you are right ... there was trepidation for sure. Frank was very supportive and I ended up making some changes based on his suggestions :)) I'm amazed there still are discoveries being made ... this entire, now nearly year and a half, has been pretty incredible ...
      Thanks for dropping by (pssst ... isn't it about time for a Rosie and Harry update? :))) ... nj ... xx

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  10. It's interesting how our earliest experiences shape us and how or memories of those experiences shape us even more. When we are young, we don't thing much about the why or the how or the future impact of our actions. But as adults, we can look back and try to make sense of things and then consider how they impact what we do (or do not do) now.

    I, too, love that your are still discovering each other and coming to new realizations after 48 years. I've been married 12, and I hope I am still busy learning about our sexuality well into our older age.

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    1. Hi Brigit ... it is interesting how memories play an important role the older you become ... you are right in saying, as adults ... and older adults ... we are able to look back and give them more consideration that we might have earlier on.

      I'm sure you have many more years of sexual discovery ahead of you ... curiousity, love, a continued need for intimacy, will pave the way if you let it ... no matter what life throws in your way ... nj

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