... When I'm gone ...

Dance me to the end of love - Leonard Cohen

The prompt for the Erotic Journal Challenge this week is Aging ... What are your thoughts, hopes, and fears about sexuality as you age?

I've come to realize I have a couple of perhaps odd visuals in my head when it comes to time and the passage of time. 

My visual for a year is a flat spherical ring ... like the rings around Saturn except without the planet in the middle. The spherical plane is dissected where December ends and January begins. As we've aged, our annual trips around the sphere seem to have sped up.

My timeline visual for life is a runway ... you touch down at the start and depart at the end. 

Putting sexuality aside for a moment, I think how one feels about aging depends on where you are on the runway of life .... if you're in advance of midpoint - other than perhaps having a momentary crisis when a milestone birthday is reached, aging is something to think about a little further down the runway towards takeoff. 

Where we sit now on our timeline of life, there is much more runway behind us than in front of us. The horizon that marks the end of the runway is beginning to show itself which is why the title of this post is something Frank often says to me ... 

"When I'm gone ... " 

... and every time he says it, he breaks my heart just a little bit. 

I suppose, in his mind, he has reasons to speak the words ... 

... he is 5 yrs older than me

... he is male so therefore statistics are not in his favour

... he has been through multiple health issues, including two bouts of cancer, the last one life threatening and he's not considered 'out of the woods' until he hits 7 years cancer free - so another 3 years. 

... his father died of heart disease at a young age (however, I always tell him to look to his Mom for his genes instead - she is still with us and going on 91)

... he has always been the more pessimistic one

Everyone is aging ... not a day goes by when one isn't aging :>)). It's just when you get to a certain point on that runway of life, you realize there is less time left so you feel the aging process more intimately. 

What about aging and sexuality? ... for us, as an 'older' couple, I can say for the most part, keeping our sexuality alive has not been a concern. Health issues, when they've cropped up, have caused us to pause and focus on what's in front of us - but that happens no matter what age you're at. We also had one medication side effect arise that blew Frank's libido sideways for a few months (a blood pressure med - often a culprit in erectile dysfunction and/or libido issues). Physical strength and agility also can be a factor ... but if the desire and need for intimacy is there, humans are an inventive species (see 'The Stool' :>)) We are two persons, demographically considered to be 'seniors' ... our sexuality encompasses our life - and we are having some of the best sex of our lives. 

I also look around at my fellow bloggers, here in this little corner of ttwd blogland - many of them are close in age to Frank and I, or not far off. They too are not suffering in the sexuality department. Despite what some of the world might think ... (Ella had a bit to say about that in her last post) ... the old folks are still thinking about sex, having sex and often lots of it - because guess what ... we have time in our day :>)) As I said in a comment to Ella's post ... a doctor once told me the highest rates of STD's are in retirement communities ... obviously the old folks are still getting it on ... how safely is another matter :>)

But back to the words in the title of this post ... the most difficult part for us and aging, is it won't be all that long before one of us will face having to live out our life without the other. 

I often repeat back to Frank when he says those words ... 'But what if it's me that goes first' ... However, I truly hope that's not how it unfolds. Although I felt the gut wrenching fear of losing Frank with his last illness, and do not relish having to go there again, I do know that I am the emotionally stronger of the two of us. I am the one who has the fortitude of a strong survivor ... and being the one who is still here 'when he's gone', means I won't have to leave this world worrying about him ... 

Dance me to the end of love 

Leonard Cohen - 1984

(musically this is not one of my favourite LC songs but lyrically, like all his work, it's perfect)

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in

Lift me like an olive branch and be my homeward dove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Oh, let me see your beauty when the witnesses are gone

Let me feel you moving like they do in Babylon

Show me slowly what I only know the limits of

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the wedding now, dance me on and on

Dance me very tenderly and dance me very long

We're both of us beneath our love, we're both of us above

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the children who are asking to be born

Dance me through the curtains that our kisses have outworn

Raise a tent of shelter now, though every thread is torn

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to your beauty with a burning violin

Dance me through the panic till I'm gathered safely in

Touch me with your naked hand or touch me with your glove

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

Dance me to the end of love

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Sometimes it's the little things that count ...

Trust ....

confidence, belief, faith, freedom from suspicion/doubt, sureness, certainty, certitude, assurance, conviction, credence, reliance ...

Mistrust .... 
a general lack of trust or confidence, more likely to be based on feelings than experience; have doubts, misgivings or reservations about ...

This prompt topic was a challenge to write ... not because there is any doubt regarding the level of trust in our relationship ... just the opposite. After so many years together, years that have weathered many crises where trust could have easily broken down but didn't - adding to that, our fairly recent commitment to the type of relationship we've entered into - means our level of trust with, and for each other, is at a pinnacle. It's a trust that covers so many aspects of our relationship ... the trust of fidelity, trust in the assurance we can, and will share our deepest thoughts and secrets, a trust of the strength of our love, trust of safety and security, a trust that we will be there for one another ... for the remainder of our lives. 

So I think we have the big T's of trust covered, as I assume most partners in a long term ttwd relationship would - this type of relationship wouldn't last long if big T Trust wasn't there. 

However, I can also see how little mistrusts might sneak their way into a ttwd relationship ... and give cause for the disconnect or unmooring from the relationship we sometimes experience ... 

One of my observations of the past year and a half is, if there is anything that is going to derail the continuity of a ttwd relationship, it's consistency - or more to the point ... the lack of consistency. Life and all that entails, can sometimes take over the relationship - busy careers, absences, raising children, health issues ... all of which can lead to rules and rituals missed or forgotten, designated time to be spent together waylaid or the need for unanticipated relationship adjustments. A lack of consistency leads to doubt (especially for the submissive partner) and that doubt leads to mistrust ... a mistrust that has us asking, amongst other things ... are we still really doing this thing called ttwd? ...

We'd been in the midst of one of these disconnects for about a week - caused by a variety of reasons. I was up early early one morning in order to get the grandboys off to school. The first ritual that ever appeared in our life (long before ttwd) is Frank sets out my panties for the day. There is the rare occasion when I go to get dressed and there are no undies hanging over the edge of the drawer ... and if there are none, then it is understood it's a no panty day (so also a rule). There was one such day the week previous. However, he was awake so rather than go without, I asked him what I was going to wear and he said he'd forgotten to put them out ... wow! ... unusual for him ... but quickly rectified :>) So now again, on this morning, there was nothing ... and he was still asleep ... I waffled ... did he forget again? ... do I wake him up? ... do I go commando? ... I wasn't keen on wearing none as I was heading for exercise class after boys were off to school. Not finding any panties laid out again in such short period of time, plus the disconnect that was underway, triggered a teeny tiny rebellious thought of mistrust ... screw it, if he can't remember then I'll just pick my own ... so I did and off I went.

After I got home I went to change and there was a pair of panties hanging over the edge of my dresser drawer ... 'oh, oh' ... I thought, 'busted!' ...

When I came out into the kitchen, Frank asked ...

"Did you shower this morning?" ...

"Yes" ...

"Are you wearing underwear?" ...

"uhhmm ... yes, I picked my own ... I was going to exercise class so I didn't want to be without" ...

"hmmm" ... was his response ...

Later, just as we were finishing lunch and I was cleaning up, he asked ...

"Have you made the bed" ...

"Yes" ...

"Then go bend yourself over it" ... yikes! ... ok ... 

He didn't leave me waiting too long ... coming up behind me, tugging down my yoga pants to check on said underwear in question ... and then pulling down my panty selection for the day. He half sat next to me on the bed and pulled me over one leg and tucked me in. I buried my head, clutching the bed linen, preparing for what was coming.

He laid his hand on my now bare bum ...

"So who decides what panties you wear everyday?" ... he started spanking ...

slap! smack! slap! smack!

"You do, Sir" ... 

... his sharp barehanded slaps were landing on alternating cheeks, back and forth ...  

slap! smack! slap! smack! 

"What happens if there are no panties laid out in the morning?" ... 

slap! smack! slap! smack!

"I don't wear any, Sir"  ... 

slap! smack! slap! smack!

He stopped short, brought me up, smoothing my hair off my face with both hands, making sure I was looking directly at him ...

"So ... tell me again" ...

"You pick my panties and if there aren't any laid out, I don't wear any, Sir" ...

"Good girl" ... and Frank ended it with a kiss to my forehead ... 

Yes, a tiny little trust reminder ... from Frank, a reminder that says he realizes consistency matters ... and for me ... a reminder I need to work at trusting Frank will consistently follow through with overseeing even the littlest of rules and rituals in our ttwd life.

... TRUST ...

Bittersweet ...

When I was a young mom and my own Moms were still relatively young, Mother's Day was a happy Hallmark card celebration - cards, flowers, family dinners and brunches. As I moved into later years, the life experiences that tapped me on the shoulder made me realize Mother's Day was often more bittersweet than happy. I now cherish the fact I have, not only Mother's Day, but many other days in the year to spend with my children, grandchildren and both my mothers ... 

Mother's Day is also a day when I think about ...

... those Moms who have lost a child ... through death, estrangement, or the selflessness of giving up one's child for adoption ...

... those children who have lost a Mom ... for all the same reasons ...

... those 'Moms to be' whose journey stopped at 'to be' ...

... those Moms who wanted to be a Mom but it never came to pass ...

For all of you, I  hope Sunday, the day of celebration for Mothers, is all that it can be for you ... and you are well loved by those you love ... nj ... xx

So how do you feel about spanking now, NJ? ...

I love this vintage Robert McGinnis illustration ... his knee at the ready, his submissive woman by his side

.... the question posed in the title of this post has been running through my head over the past couple of weeks or so, as I thought about how I was going to approach the current Tell Me About Dominance and Submission topic 'Spanking'. Considering we've been living in the DD/ttwd world of spanking for nearly a year and a half now, you wouldn't think writing the post would be so difficult ... 

Some of what I have to say is covering familiar ground for those who've been with my blog since it's inception. However, given that I am using a prompt and therefore potentially reaching new readers, I will give a short recap ...

Frank and I had a BDSM bedroom only dynamic starting in the late 90's. I would call it D/s light - kinky times 2-3 times a month and the rest vanilla, although the vanilla always had D/s overtones. Although Frank would have loved for it to have been more out of the bedroom, it wasn't something I felt I could do, so we didn't.

In 2016 I found a reading genre I'd never paid attention to before ... erotic romance (previously I'd been a reader of harder core erotica). I'd been binge reading for months when in early 2017 I came across an unfamiliar term - DD - Domestic Discipline ... I looked it up and was instantly fascinated. I read all I could about it for about a week before I took it to Frank with the idea that this might be an avenue for us to take our D/s into our everyday life ... in my view DD is a form of D/s, although a more subtle version. It was that subtleness that had me thinking 'yes, this is something I could do on a day to day, 7x24 basis'. Frank agreed to give it a go.  Very soon after I discovered the DD/ttwd blogging world and our life was truly turned upside down ... down the rabbit hole with Alice we went .... all of it in a good way.

I have grown to know and care for the people who live in this DD/ttwd corner of Blogland. Many (most) have harboured deep longings for a spanking dynamic for very many years before coming out to their significant others and sharing their secret. For some, those longings started as far back as their childhood. I too had early longings (although more teen than childhood) but mine were of a darker nature. One of the first books I 'borrowed' from my parents dirty book stash was 'The Way of a Man with a Maid' ...  and my second significant teen book find was 'The Story of O' ... yeah ... both of those definitely set the stage for what was to come. My point is I/we did not come into the DD world with a spanking fetish ... I/we came with BDSM kinks. Spanking, in and of itself, excluding the erotic impact play that was our experience, was something we had to 'learn' how to incorporate into our life - and the spankings came in very many flavours - from good girl to discipline to maintenance to reset (we've never gone down the 'punishment' path). In our learning, we deliberately avoided much of our previous kink ... bringing it out only occasionally as opportunity and need dictated. 

It wasn't long before I realized, from reading back in blogs and communicating with fellow DD/ttwd bloggers, I was the odd woman out. For most of the community, just the idea or hint of the possibility of a spanking, was a delicious turn on ... I did not have the same reaction. However, what spanking did do for me, was reinforce the submissiveness in me ... especially those spankings that happened in the moment - spankings, instinctively delivered by Frank in response to a situation, or when they happened for discipline, had me instantly submissive ... the feeling washing over me and settling into the very centre of me. 

Earlier this year, as I struggled through the SADS of winter, no matter what we tried, spanking did not seem to bring the release or reset I needed. Frank finally resorted to bringing us back into the D/s world. In doing so, we realized we were missing what we'd had previously and we began to re-layer our D/s dynamic and kink on top of our DD foundation. Erotic impact play, which to me is more than spanking, is back with us. However, the various other types DD/ttwd spankings have somewhat taken a backseat to our new activities ... except for one ...

... so how do I feel about spanking now ... 

We had an incident a week or so ago which brought clarity and gave me an answer to my self posed question. Per our DD agreement, Frank is the final decision maker in just about everything in our life, except for finances, which has always been my area of responsibility. A financial situation arose that caused us to have a conversation that got a little heated ... pretty much an argument. Fortunately, it was quickly resolved and an agreement was reached. However, afterwards, I felt uneasy, uncomfortable and soon realized it was our disagreement that caused the discomfort ... not the subject matter of the dispute but the fact the dispute occurred at all. I realized it had been a very long time since there had been any real conflict between Frank and I. Later in the day, I shared this with Frank ... he assured me he completely understood the decision we'd made. I then tried to explain to him that I was upset because we'd had a conflict - period - not what the conflict was about. He was a bit baffled until we had bedtime conversation later that night, where I explained ... if it had been any other topic, it wouldn't have got to a heated argument stage. I'd have been over knee, bed or whatever, getting my ass whooped, before we ever got to that point ... in conclusion I said "I should have asked you to spank me afterwards" ... 

With this incident I've come to realize just how important our foundation of Domestic Discipline is to our D/s relationship ... and therefore so is spanking ... spanking adds structure, discipline and the ability to wipe a slate clean. It reinforces our dynamic, including our D/s relationship - he is my Dominant yet he is still my HoH. I still am his TiH ... and his submissive. Without spanking, our TTWD wouldn't exist. 

I've gone back and reread the Domestic Discipline definition that resonates with me the most ... an excerpt from this definition reads ... 

"DD is the caring, consensual, consistently fair use of structure, accountability and discipline as a positive way to enhance communication, deepen intimacy and reinforce relationship commitment. The discipline normally includes one of many styles of  disciplinary actions or measures, but first centres around rules of behaviour asked for by one partner and agreed to by the other." 

... and spanking is the most commonly used disciplinary measure.

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Eyes On Me ...

Aroused from the touching, tugging and stroking that happens during our morning ritual, he instructs me to straddle him ... 

A large pillow behind me, between my calves and my thighs, raises me up so I am in his sight ... all of me in his sight. He reaches back and pulls out the favoured vibrator, placing the flat head on my pubic bone ... 

... "Hold it" 

I wrap both hands around it - not daring to turn it on ... waiting for the next instruction ...

He reaches out a forefinger, pushing down on my chin ... 

... "Open your mouth .... and leave it open ... don't close it or I will spank you" ... he warns softly ...

My mouth gapes ... it is a favoured instruction of his ... one that always leaves me feeling awkward and vulnerable ...

He reaches out and turns the vibrator to full, my hips jerking up to meet the pulsations. I close my eyes and throw my head back in response ...

... "Eyes on me, Babygirl ... open your eyes"

I want to keep them closed, so as to revel in the sensations racing through me, but I open them, looking straight into his grey/green eyes ... 

... "Do not close your eyes ... if you close your eyes, I will spank you hard ... look at me ... look right at me"

..."and do .. not .. come"

Why is it those three little words, amp up the need, my need to do what I am told I can't, all the while having to keep mouth and eyes open ... 

My internal muscles, from the floor of my pelvis up, clench at the nothing that is there, driving me higher, while my mind tries to tamp it all down ...

... I need to wait ... I need to wait ... I need to wait ... but I can't ... so I beg ...

... "Please, please, please, please, Sir, may I come" 

It's what he's been waiting for ... the timing just right, as he sends me over the edge with his words ... 

"Come for me, Baby" ...

.... and I do ... 

Talk About Orgasms ...

Blogger, Brigit Delaney, host of the Erotic Journal meme, posted a Reader's Forum question last week ... "Do You Use Orgasm Control". I had a couple of draft posts related to this topic in my files so I figured it was a good time to dig into what this means for Frank and I.

First some tech notes :>)) ... because not everyone out there in Blogland will be in the know ...

What is Orgasm Control? ... overall, it means a Dominant permits or denies a submissive's orgasm(s) as he/she sees fit. It can mean 'edging' ... which is being brought close to 'the edge' of an orgasm and then being held there for a period of time. If it is an extended period of time, the result may be a euphoric sensation, often referred to as 'subspace'. It can mean orgasm denial - denial in the moment of orgasmic arousal, or denial over a period of time - days, weeks, etc ... or denial of any self pleasure. It can also involve 'forced' orgasms, which is the continuation of stimulation post an orgasm, bringing the submissive to one or more additional orgasms, over which they have no control. Forced orgasms may also result in the euphoria of subspace.

Regarding orgasm denial over an extended period time ... not a lot of point there for us ... we are both of the age where 'use it or lose it' is a priority ... more sex begets more sex ... if we were to leave it for too long, for sure my fickle libido would head south.

And forced orgasms ... I doubt that's ever happening for us - I am happy for one orgasm and although there have been a couple of times Frank has dipped into his bag of magic tricks and made one more happen, the end result for me is a second is not as good as the first and I'd rather have one good than more not so good. And on that note ... I elaborated on my orgasmic challenges in a post last year called Frustrated - however, after our D/s reset of a couple of months ago and our subsequent return to our D/s roots and an increased focus on our kink, I am happy to report my libido has since returned, as have my orgasmic abilities. As Frank commented  recently ... "you have your mojo back" ... ha! ... yes, Sir, I do!

For Frank and I ... our orgasm control experience is more of the 'edging' and 'denial' variety. Frank will bring me to the edge and then deny orgasm in the moment, until he decides to give me the go ahead. I've never reached subspace ... but amazing orgasms? ... hell yes!

And finally, for Frank ... a phenomenon of a somewhat unexplained variety, has emerged. With his own physical needs diminishing (a combination of his age and the fact he is 14 years post a prostatectomy), more and more, he finds my pleasure is his pleasure ... he says he loves to watch me 'come alive' :>))

Take what happened a few weeks ago … sated from an intense D/s session, I was sprawled across his chest, recovering, when I kinda muttered something like …

"and what can I do for you, Sir" … to which he responded ...

"nothing, I already came" ... my head popped up …

"what do you mean?!" …

He said he had what he could only describe as a mind orgasm … he felt a charged euphoria which he described as an adrenaline rush (but perhaps more likely was an endorphin rush), plus orgasmic sensations, through assisting and watching me achieve orgasm. A D/s blogger friend has suggested it might be something called 'Top Space' or 'Dom Space' ... more research is required :>)) ... but the concept is mind-blowing in more ways than one ...